As I was waiting for my friend who would treat me for pizza at a mall, I decided to stroll around to kill time. It's been a while since I've stroll down a mall all by myself. Walking down the mall, a sudden gush of realization came upon me. As I was looking at the people, they were mostly in groups. Group of students who just came from school, a family who are about to eat dinner inside a certain restaurant, a foreigner with his pinay girlfriend, a bunch of Korean's talking about video games and pretty much everyone who seemed to be in a pack. I quickly realized I was all by myself. I didn't mind it, until I saw a couple holding hands, being sweet together. I shrugged it off and continued walking. I saw another, and then another, until such time, I was seeing couples all around me. My body was moving, but my mind stopped. For a second, my life flashed back at me, as if it was retelling me something. I was all alone, and I probably will for the rest of my life.
I often ask myself how I was never able to get inside a relationship. What things did I do wrong? What areas do I lack? Did I love the wrong girls? Was fate playing on me? Why can't something that is mostly common to others, seem to be alien to me?
All my life, I have only learned to love three girls. As much as I love beautiful girls, often getting a crush on every beautiful girl my eyes lay into, my heart has only learned to love those three . But the fact that with those three girls, I carry the burden of "missing the jackpot" three times. The first one was a high school crush, who probably looked at me as an "annoying admirer". The second one was a college classmate, who never really considered my actions and advances as "courting". The third one was a classmate in another section, the closest one I got in terms of courting, but simply rejected me because I wasn't her "ideal guy". God knows I love them greatly, I would have done everything to at least get a chance. Sadly, I'm never good enough.
I have often accepted that maybe it's not my time yet. Maybe the girl for me hasn't arrive. Or maybe I have met her already, but we just haven't found to connect yet. Or at times, I contemplate to think that maybe the girl for me is just within those three girls that I have loved, that maybe it's not just time yet. But facts stay true, I'm single, think what I want to think, I'm still single.
As I slumbered in my single life, I have watched relationships formed and go. I watched how two people find a way to each other sharing one love, and see couples break out of a relationship that is tangled with lies, cheat and deceit. I often find myself trying to save a relationship, and at times, angry as I find a guy cheating on his girlfriend. Lucky are those people to have shared a love with a special someone, but they just find ways to waste a good chance. Something I wish I had, and something I know I could keep much better.
Love for me has always been a great deal. I sometimes could say I am blessed to have such gift. To love someone unconditionally, I know I possess what others lack. Growing up, I have come up with so many definitions of love either using long sentences to show how great my love is or using flowering words to shop how deep my love can be. I was a romantic, I was born one, to love was my main goal in life. But I have been through so much. My heart got broken, healed at time, got broken hard, patched, loved greatly for the third time, and it shattered. But despite the rejections, I have come to appreciate the undying love from family and friends. But love for me has lose its beauty its true essence. Love to me just simply became "complicated".
I have gone through every defense and coping mechanism. I have heard every advice or comforting words. I have done a lot to forget my dilemma. But at this point of my life, nothing is making me feel alright. Everyday I wake up, I live a lie pretending I am ok when it truth, I have quite loss the urge to keep living. I often forget at times that a lot of people out there are having a much more harder situation than me and forget to appreciate the simple things in my life. But being loveless has taken a toll on me, and I am suffering because of it.
I will never make a girl cry. I will always be faithful to her. I will love her the way she wants to be loved. I will be the right man for her. Words that I have said, words that I know I can keep, but words that I can't prove for the moment.
A friend told me that "Single life is a gift from God". I have always come to appreciate that fact, but living a life without a special someone has broken my spirit. I often could say that I could just get any girl to be my girlfriend. But I know I will just hurt them in the end, and I can't have that on my back. My heart just learns to love one special girl. I sometimes do not choose, my heart just tells me that "She's the one worth fighting for". But things just don't go my way. I think of it everyday. I often think about it more than my upcoming board exam. This is my life, my future, thinking whats its going to be. Maybe I'm just anxious, maybe I've waited for so long. Thoughts and thoughts bicker in my head. Its killing me inside. I want to break free for the moment, the life that has secluded me, the love that I was denied. I opened my eyes....
...And I was standing at the mall. All alone. Still alone. I have been walking with a dead brain. My friend called that he was at the mall already. We caught up with other and proceed to the pizza restaurant. As we were walking, I passed by again another couple. I looked at the girl and the hot chick gave me a small stare. She just found a cuter guy compared to her boyfriend. I smiled and kept on walking. Life has indeed been hard on me, but it must go on. I don't know what tomorrow brings, so I'll just go along with it. Things will just find a way to work out according to my way. But on that moment, I was just so hungry, my mind shifted to just eat a damn pizza.
I often ask myself how I was never able to get inside a relationship. What things did I do wrong? What areas do I lack? Did I love the wrong girls? Was fate playing on me? Why can't something that is mostly common to others, seem to be alien to me?
All my life, I have only learned to love three girls. As much as I love beautiful girls, often getting a crush on every beautiful girl my eyes lay into, my heart has only learned to love those three . But the fact that with those three girls, I carry the burden of "missing the jackpot" three times. The first one was a high school crush, who probably looked at me as an "annoying admirer". The second one was a college classmate, who never really considered my actions and advances as "courting". The third one was a classmate in another section, the closest one I got in terms of courting, but simply rejected me because I wasn't her "ideal guy". God knows I love them greatly, I would have done everything to at least get a chance. Sadly, I'm never good enough.
I have often accepted that maybe it's not my time yet. Maybe the girl for me hasn't arrive. Or maybe I have met her already, but we just haven't found to connect yet. Or at times, I contemplate to think that maybe the girl for me is just within those three girls that I have loved, that maybe it's not just time yet. But facts stay true, I'm single, think what I want to think, I'm still single.
As I slumbered in my single life, I have watched relationships formed and go. I watched how two people find a way to each other sharing one love, and see couples break out of a relationship that is tangled with lies, cheat and deceit. I often find myself trying to save a relationship, and at times, angry as I find a guy cheating on his girlfriend. Lucky are those people to have shared a love with a special someone, but they just find ways to waste a good chance. Something I wish I had, and something I know I could keep much better.
Love for me has always been a great deal. I sometimes could say I am blessed to have such gift. To love someone unconditionally, I know I possess what others lack. Growing up, I have come up with so many definitions of love either using long sentences to show how great my love is or using flowering words to shop how deep my love can be. I was a romantic, I was born one, to love was my main goal in life. But I have been through so much. My heart got broken, healed at time, got broken hard, patched, loved greatly for the third time, and it shattered. But despite the rejections, I have come to appreciate the undying love from family and friends. But love for me has lose its beauty its true essence. Love to me just simply became "complicated".
I have gone through every defense and coping mechanism. I have heard every advice or comforting words. I have done a lot to forget my dilemma. But at this point of my life, nothing is making me feel alright. Everyday I wake up, I live a lie pretending I am ok when it truth, I have quite loss the urge to keep living. I often forget at times that a lot of people out there are having a much more harder situation than me and forget to appreciate the simple things in my life. But being loveless has taken a toll on me, and I am suffering because of it.
I will never make a girl cry. I will always be faithful to her. I will love her the way she wants to be loved. I will be the right man for her. Words that I have said, words that I know I can keep, but words that I can't prove for the moment.
A friend told me that "Single life is a gift from God". I have always come to appreciate that fact, but living a life without a special someone has broken my spirit. I often could say that I could just get any girl to be my girlfriend. But I know I will just hurt them in the end, and I can't have that on my back. My heart just learns to love one special girl. I sometimes do not choose, my heart just tells me that "She's the one worth fighting for". But things just don't go my way. I think of it everyday. I often think about it more than my upcoming board exam. This is my life, my future, thinking whats its going to be. Maybe I'm just anxious, maybe I've waited for so long. Thoughts and thoughts bicker in my head. Its killing me inside. I want to break free for the moment, the life that has secluded me, the love that I was denied. I opened my eyes....
...And I was standing at the mall. All alone. Still alone. I have been walking with a dead brain. My friend called that he was at the mall already. We caught up with other and proceed to the pizza restaurant. As we were walking, I passed by again another couple. I looked at the girl and the hot chick gave me a small stare. She just found a cuter guy compared to her boyfriend. I smiled and kept on walking. Life has indeed been hard on me, but it must go on. I don't know what tomorrow brings, so I'll just go along with it. Things will just find a way to work out according to my way. But on that moment, I was just so hungry, my mind shifted to just eat a damn pizza.
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