3 Stages of Hell

I woke up this morning feeling good. It was a rainy Tuesday morning, not the perfect way to start my 1st day of the week (Monday was Baranggay Elections), but certainly a great morning either way. Feeling the urge just to stay in bed, I decided to lay for a while and "cuddle". After what seems to be a while, I felt that it was time to get-up, I "woke up early" anyways, looking at the clock, it was already 7:15AM. Time to prepare for my 8AM review class. Nothing like a.....SON OF A B-!!! It's already 7:15AM?! Fuck!! Ahhh!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!.... As you can imagine, I missed breakfast, brushed my teeth automatically, took a bath with cold water (with a cold weather, I was freezing to death) and zoomed my clothes as if it was automatically transferred to my body. On the side note though, I really took extra time for my hair. Thinking about the possibility of not making it on time, I checked my alarm why it didn't rang. For the love of, I forgot to set it on AM, my alarm was still to ring at 5:30PM. Still raining, I went out in the house hoping I could still make it on time (being late really didn't mean anything, I just don't want to be caught by our fabulous reviewer). What I thought would be a breeze, I didn't expect that the following events would actually be hell. Not just any hell, but 3 Stages of freaking hell. This what freaki-....oh...fucking happened.

Sorry for my language. It was a fucking situation as hell.

1. Strong Rain Morning

Nothing like a cold rainy morning to ruin your hairdo and make you wet for not the right reasons.

Ah, rain. In a hot country like the Philippines, its quite nice to rain once in a while. But raining is sometimes not cool when it occurs the entire morning. Let alone when you need to hurry up since your late for work or school. But really, its quite nice to have a rainy morning. You always have the urge to just stay in bed. Ah, I wished I just stayed in bed. But I still have review class. But like any human out there waking up in a cold morning, they tend to stay in bed anyways. Which, sadly, includes jeepney drivers. As much as it was bad enough that the rain ruined my hair (I took time making my hair), the rainy morning surely made jeepneys drivers stay in bed. Which caused to have fewer jeeps. Which caused the jeeps full. Which caused me to be stuck for 2o minutes just waiting for a ride. I was really about to give up, just stay home, call it a day despite its still early in the morning, I was late as heck already. But I knew I got to try. Which leads us to....

2. Full Jeepneys

Lucky bastards......wish I thought of that.

So like any other hopeless passenger, I took the jeep with a free seat despite it's not the jeep I was suppose to ride. I ended up taking a Mintal jeep rather than a Toril jeep. I know I have to double ride, so I went down at the Jeepney Stop at Matina. As if my eyes deceive, a lot, and I do mean a lot of people were also waiting for a ride. It was going to be a grueling battle. Its every passenger for himself. Clawing and battling for the right to take the ride. Well, it was a tough one, got another extra 15 minutes just standing there waiting. As I was about to lose hope, I was already deciding to call it quits again and just go back home. Saying my prayers to God, I just said "one last try". And like any miracle in God's own special way, a Toril jeep slowly went to my direction, about to unload a passenger. I followed it without any hassle, and finally, finally, I was able to get a ride. On the side note, it was 8:20AM already. Just the thought that I finally got a ride, I thought my problems would be done. I thought wrong.

3. Traffic

Man's main enemy on the road.

I though traffic would be the least of my problems. Since, I don't know, there was less jeeps. But my day just keeps surprising me. I have to deal with traffic everyday actually. It was just that it occurred in a time I'm late as hell. It occurred to a time where its raining, thus there is flood. It occured not on the best moment. Alas, it just occurred in a wrong timing. I knew I was late, but my hopes of making it around 9AM just went to the drain. I just went to three stages of hell. Three. I knew all hope is lost. I took my headphones, plugged it on my cellphone, and just listen my way to calmness.

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To be honest, during those stages, I was in contact with a friend of mine (who happens to be a birthday boy). Anyways, I told him that I would be super late (1st Stage), told him to tell me if the reviewer already arrived and if my seat is already taken (2nd Stage). While I was on my third stage of hell, I kept wondering why he hasn't texted yet. Wasn't the reviewer suppose to arrive 30 minutes ago? I kept calling him, and he keeps saying the reviewer hasn't arrived yet. I was only a few miles away when he suddenly missed called. I called him and he told me that the reviewer will be late, got stuck on the plane and will arrived at 9:30AM. It was 8:50Am, and everything just went smoothly.

I arrived at the review center with my hood on (my hair was ruined). I sat at the reserved seat and just plain talked to my friend, telling him what morning I just went through. As I reflected about my morning, from waking up late, having my parents bickering me I woke up late, to the stages of hell I went through, I realized that I was still blessed to make it "on time". Nevertheless, it was a kind of morning I will never forget. My day still went on nicely. It may not seem intense as you read these, but trust me, it was hell like no other, three stages for that matter.

Walking Alone: A NGSB's outlook in life

As I was waiting for my friend who would treat me for pizza at a mall, I decided to stroll around to kill time. It's been a while since I've stroll down a mall all by myself. Walking down the mall, a sudden gush of realization came upon me. As I was looking at the people, they were mostly in groups. Group of students who just came from school, a family who are about to eat dinner inside a certain restaurant, a foreigner with his pinay girlfriend, a bunch of Korean's talking about video games and pretty much everyone who seemed to be in a pack. I quickly realized I was all by myself. I didn't mind it, until I saw a couple holding hands, being sweet together. I shrugged it off and continued walking. I saw another, and then another, until such time, I was seeing couples all around me. My body was moving, but my mind stopped. For a second, my life flashed back at me, as if it was retelling me something. I was all alone, and I probably will for the rest of my life.

I often ask myself how I was never able to get inside a relationship. What things did I do wrong? What areas do I lack? Did I love the wrong girls? Was fate playing on me? Why can't something that is mostly common to others, seem to be alien to me?

All my life, I have only learned to love three girls. As much as I love beautiful girls, often getting a crush on every beautiful girl my eyes lay into, my heart has only learned to love those three . But the fact that with those three girls, I carry the burden of "missing the jackpot" three times. The first one was a high school crush, who probably looked at me as an "annoying admirer". The second one was a college classmate, who never really considered my actions and advances as "courting". The third one was a classmate in another section, the closest one I got in terms of courting, but simply rejected me because I wasn't her "ideal guy". God knows I love them greatly, I would have done everything to at least get a chance. Sadly, I'm never good enough.

I have often accepted that maybe it's not my time yet. Maybe the girl for me hasn't arrive. Or maybe I have met her already, but we just haven't found to connect yet. Or at times, I contemplate to think that maybe the girl for me is just within those three girls that I have loved, that maybe it's not just time yet. But facts stay true, I'm single, think what I want to think, I'm still single.

As I slumbered in my single life, I have watched relationships formed and go. I watched how two people find a way to each other sharing one love, and see couples break out of a relationship that is tangled with lies, cheat and deceit. I often find myself trying to save a relationship, and at times, angry as I find a guy cheating on his girlfriend. Lucky are those people to have shared a love with a special someone, but they just find ways to waste a good chance. Something I wish I had, and something I know I could keep much better.

Love for me has always been a great deal. I sometimes could say I am blessed to have such gift. To love someone unconditionally, I know I possess what others lack. Growing up, I have come up with so many definitions of love either using long sentences to show how great my love is or using flowering words to shop how deep my love can be. I was a romantic, I was born one, to love was my main goal in life. But I have been through so much. My heart got broken, healed at time, got broken hard, patched, loved greatly for the third time, and it shattered. But despite the rejections, I have come to appreciate the undying love from family and friends. But love for me has lose its beauty its true essence. Love to me just simply became "complicated".

I have gone through every defense and coping mechanism. I have heard every advice or comforting words. I have done a lot to forget my dilemma. But at this point of my life, nothing is making me feel alright. Everyday I wake up, I live a lie pretending I am ok when it truth, I have quite loss the urge to keep living. I often forget at times that a lot of people out there are having a much more harder situation than me and forget to appreciate the simple things in my life. But being loveless has taken a toll on me, and I am suffering because of it.

I will never make a girl cry. I will always be faithful to her. I will love her the way she wants to be loved. I will be the right man for her. Words that I have said, words that I know I can keep, but words that I can't prove for the moment.

A friend told me that "Single life is a gift from God". I have always come to appreciate that fact, but living a life without a special someone has broken my spirit. I often could say that I could just get any girl to be my girlfriend. But I know I will just hurt them in the end, and I can't have that on my back. My heart just learns to love one special girl. I sometimes do not choose, my heart just tells me that "She's the one worth fighting for". But things just don't go my way. I think of it everyday. I often think about it more than my upcoming board exam. This is my life, my future, thinking whats its going to be. Maybe I'm just anxious, maybe I've waited for so long. Thoughts and thoughts bicker in my head. Its killing me inside. I want to break free for the moment, the life that has secluded me, the love that I was denied. I opened my eyes....

...And I was standing at the mall. All alone. Still alone. I have been walking with a dead brain. My friend called that he was at the mall already. We caught up with other and proceed to the pizza restaurant. As we were walking, I passed by again another couple. I looked at the girl and the hot chick gave me a small stare. She just found a cuter guy compared to her boyfriend. I smiled and kept on walking. Life has indeed been hard on me, but it must go on. I don't know what tomorrow brings, so I'll just go along with it. Things will just find a way to work out according to my way. But on that moment, I was just so hungry, my mind shifted to just eat a damn pizza.