Life in Poetry: Dot

Hey there. I just wanted to share a poem I wrote for a girl I use to, okay, maybe I still love her a little, just a tiny bit little left. I dunno, just let it be. Anyways, I guess I was just never ever able to make her a decent poem. I made her a poem once but it was kinda short. This one isn't perfectly made either (kinda rusty in poem making), but I was still able to do it and I think its good enough. So, I hope you guys enjoy it. The title of the poem is "Dot" and I dedicate this poem to Dorothy Ko. I know that I'm not your type and I am just a friend for you, but I am still thankful for all the times that we shared together. I will forever remember you and I will cherish everything about you forever. So here goes...

Dot
by: Noel Yulo

Nothing comes easy when I hear her name
Nor when I see the sight of this beautiful dame
I sometimes close my eyes in disbelief
For God giving me this beauty for my eyes to see
For her face is as gentle as a cold winder breeze
To stare at her beauty will make your body freeze
And every time you hear her voice as she speaks
It's like hearing the calm waters of a peaceful creek
Just to think of her is enough to make your mind jolt
A rare unique of beauty, a girl by the name of Dot

It wasn't a long time ago when our paths have crossed
I knew a little, I've only seen her across school halls
But she always seem to slipped out of my mind
I didn't bother anymore if things about her I couldn't find
Until destiny played a little game with me
Three years after, I was staring near her glorious beauty
"We are classmates", this I thought
"Everything about her, now I can finally sought"
I knew it was a very difficult task at hand
But all worthwhile if someday I could hold her hands

Days have past and weeks have fade
I was still having a hard time staring at her face
But we always find ways to stare eye to eye
With a smile on our faces, we give each other a "Hi"
Little by little we found ways to connect
It was either on chat or in the night we text
And slowly but surely, I was getting to know her more
It was a flowering friendship, like opening a new door
There was more to her beauty than I ever thought
She is quite a bully, yet is still filled with charm

It may seem cliche to easily fall for her
She was the prettiest girl in our class, I have to concur
So I asked myself repeatedly on the head
"Is this infatuation? Or something more than that"
But I quickly took my mind out of the equation
I instead listened to my heart's palpitations
It was just that she was making my heart skip a beat
I couldn't care less if a friend wanted me to quit
I knew that I wanted her and I need to take a chance
Nothing was quite sure, but I wanted to be her man

As months have passed, many things have happened
We were closer than I would have ever imagined
It took some time for me to find a way
To express all in her what I wanted to say
So it was on the 16th of July that we sat on a bench
I was feeling nervous, I was feeling a little dense
But I did what I needed to do and said what I needed to say
I gave a nervous speech and I was feeling the rush in my veins
I utter the the three words for the first time in front of her
"I love you" I said, and then silence in the wind came after

"Basta huwag lang lagi", she simply replied
I was dumbfounded by the words that came by
I couldn't believe that for all that I did
It all went down to a simple jilt
I guess I wasn't the type she was looking for
I thought I was enough, but she wanted more
We were still friends, I assured her that
But I lied about being okay as I cried a lot
I died a little as days passed by
My heart completely shattered as my love was denied

I would be lying if I say for the moment I'm alright
But I understand her truly, so I must do what is right
God has been good to me for giving me the chance to love her
Between me and her and the moments we had I'll forever remember
She is truly a girl quite one in seven billion
That's why I couldn't help but feel nothing but affection
A true beauty that God probably won't duplicate
Someone who you would spend a lifetime to accommodate
She is simply beautiful, elegant, a bully, but sexy and hot
There is really like no other girl, a girl by the name of Dot

:D

The Spirit of Christmas: The True Meaning of Celebrating the 25th of December

This is suppose to blink and light. Anyways, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

It's that time of the year once again where the city is filled with bright lights, children across the globe filled with delight and gifts are on plain sight. Yessir! It's Christmas once again! But before anything else, I would just like to greet you all with a very Merry Christmas!! It's actually been a while since the last time I wrote in my blog. Well, the review really took a lot of my time but board exams were just recently concluded so I finally got some quality time (not really, I still did chores). Anyways, this year is quite different because I really didn't feel Christmas was coming. Sure, the streets and malls were filled with fancy lights, parols were hanged left and right, Christmas trees were planted and Santa Clauses in forms of figurines, posters and decorations were all over the city, but I just never felt Christmas was coming. I tried to enjoy the cool breeze, but the board exam was just really a buzzkill. The moment I answered the last question and step out of the testing center, I finally felt the Christmas breeze.

But as much as December 25th is celebrated as the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ, it is also my birthday!! Yep, my birthday. What? You don't believe me? Yeah, I get that a lot, 70% of the people who I told Dec. 25 is my birthday don't believe me at first (and 10% of them still don't, but whatever). This is already my 2oth Christmas (21 if you included the day I was born, but who's counting). This Christmas is quite different, because, for starters, I'll be leaving the "teen" years and will be starting the "ty" years, which makes me old, 20 years living here in this world, two decades, its a long time. Well, I'll just be celebrating my birthday/Christmas in a simple way, just spend the time with family and few of my closest friends, which is nice (although I'm looking forward for next year 'coz its already my debut and it will be a huge party.....which once again no one will come but just relatives....hmmm....I don't even think my relatives will come). ANYWAYS!! Enough of my birthday because it doesn't matter if my birthday is on the 25th of December. No no no. This is that special time of the year where we truly celebrate the true meaning of Christmas......TONS OF FOOD!!! NYAHAHAHA! But seriously, as much as food is a major factor in celebrating Christmas, there are tons of more reasons why we celebrate Christmas, the true meaning of the spirit of Christmas. So without further ado, let us examine the true meaning, the true Spirit of Christmas.

1. Birthday of Jesus Christ

In this small manger, the child was born.

Everyone knows the story of how Jesus Christ was born. Whenever I see girls and boys selling lanterns on the street, I remember the child in a manger as he sleeps. And yes, its a lyric of a famous Christmas song. But while we think of Christmas as the season of Santa Claus, we often forget that Christmas is all about the birth, the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. It is the celebration of the coming of our savior, who was born in a manger, surrounded by Joseph and Mary, by the animals who occupied the manger and was visited by the three kings. It is an image of what Christmas is truly all about. All togetherness, which leads us next to...

2. Celebrating with the family

Typical Filipino family celebrating Christmas. Not my family by the way.

Majority of us spend the entire year with our family. Yes, at times it's getting tiresome to see your family all the time. Always have to deal with the problems and drama around the house. Sometimes we just like to spend our time with our friends, go out and be far away from them. But for every person who gets tired of their family, there are those who are away and wish to be with their family again. Those who work abroad or has to work for Christmas day for that matter. As much as our family can be a pain for us, our family is still family. And as much as we get to be away from them, deep inside we seek to be with them even for just a day, for a while. And that is why the best people way to celebrate Christmas is always with your family. Just to talk with them, eat with them, share the joy of Christmas with them is a feeling like no other. Just for that one single solitary moment, where everyone is at peace, where everyone in the family forgets the dramas and problems for just one single day, that is why we celebrate it with our family and relatives. Your family eating together, laughing, drinking, just having fun, it feels good right? So go out there and celebrate Christmas with your family (but finish reading this first).

3. Season of giving and sharing

There is nothing like making someone happy for Christmas.

When I was a kid, Christmas automatically meant receiving gifts. I never really imagined myself giving gifts. I've always thought of just receiving gifts until my last Christmas. 20 years passed, and I fully understood the "gift giving process". Christmas is not about receiving gifts, it is about giving. Yes, there are people who give, and people who receive. You may act like a bastard and just act as a receiver, but you aren't getting the full experience of Christmas. It's always about giving and sharing and making someone happy for Christmas. We don't function in the society to just give something to any person we know. We need to prioritize what needs to be prioritize. But on this special occasion, we must give to those people who mean so much to us. So don't think about what gifts you'll receive, think about what you can give this Christmas. Think about making someone happy. The best gift we could ever give Jesus for this birthday is for us to do the act of sharing and be merry all together!

Well, there you have it, the true reasons why we celebrate Christmas, the components of the real spirit of Christmas. I know that there are more things going on for this Christmas. Practically speaking, there are Christmas parties, exchange gifts, preparing noche buena, family reunions , thinking of the gifts you'll get (yep, we ALL do) and just simply having a good time! But even if we don't have these things, just remember that Christmas Day is for Jesus. That we must also celebrate this special occasion importantly with our family, and glorify his name by giving and making someone happy this Christmas, for His birthday, the best thing we could give Jesus. So, only a few hours left before Christmas. I would just like to wish you all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!! May you remember always what Christmas is all about. May the spirit of Christmas live with you always! :D

All Soul's Day: Through the Years

Every November 1, my mother would wake me up every 5:30 in the morning. In the usual time, it would always take me five seconds to analyze why my mother woke me up. And then I realize its the time of the year again. I wouldn't wake up grudgingly mostly at this day. At the usual time as I get up from my bed, I would always ask my mother "Where's breakfast?", with the same common reply of "We'll eat when we come back home." I wouldn't take a bath anymore, just brush my teeth, wash my face, change my clothes, put on cologne, and that's that. Year by year, the routine may change at times, but it's still the same format. But as the years go by, All Soul's Day may have seem to lose its true essence. For me that is.

Philippines: Where everything, and I do mean everything is colorful.

Since I was a kid, it has been a tradition in our family to visit our departed loved ones during this special day. Well, technically speaking, every Filipino family does, or anyone around the world that celebrates All Soul's Day for that matter. But what makes this day special is that Filipino's have a knack of celebrating All Soul's day differently. It's like a Fiesta, family reunions are planned, people will prepare lots of food and the common hobby of Filipino's during "Undas", gambling (or for others, Karaoke). Well, not can be said to all Filipino families. Some just bring flowers and candles, visit their departed loved ones and offer a prayer. That's mostly the highlight of All Soul's Day for them.

For our part, its just mostly my grandpa, grandma, mama, sister and myself. We usually leave around 6AM to save ourselves from traffic. From there, we go visit first the wireless cemetery at top of Bankerohan (forgot the name). We would go first visit my grandpa's parents. At the beginning, my grandfather would actually come with us, but as years passed by and well, the cemetery pathway getting small every year, my grandpa would just wait in the car. It's just a short walk, but the pathway is really small and its hard just to see that the path walk is the actual graveyard for some of the departed (mostly infants). As we reach the grave site, my grandma and mother would arrange the flowers and candles, and then I would lead the prayer. After that, we would go to the another wireless cemetery just near the first one we went to (forgot the name again), and we would visit this time my grandma's parents. It's a shorter walk compared to the first one. Same as usual, my grandma and mother would do the usual decorating and I would do the praying.

So for this year, we mostly did the same thing, but it felt like more of a "thing-I-need-to-do" rather than "paying-respect-and-visiting-your-departed-relatives". And everything seem to just passed by so fast, I didn't notice that we only just spent barely 30 minutes there, quite a record from the past few years. I felt bad for myself as we were going home, I felt that I'm not celebrating this special occasion. I just felt that I went there because I was suppose to come. For the first time, giving importance for the day of the dead just seemed, normal to me. Not a single care, I bowed down and played with my phone. Also, it was a weird morning sky. It was clear, and yet is was raining.

I ain't no cloud expert, but explain to me why there's rain on this sky.

The morning went by and I lay down in my bed studying (sorta). I closed my eyes and reflected about All Soul's Day. After all these years, I thought I knew how special this holiday is. But things have changed, everything just seems flat. I don't know what's wrong. Oh, I know I'm not totally okay, but I don't think it affects my outlook on All Soul's day. Then what has changed? Have I've grown too much? Has this day just turned nothing but ordinary to me? Nothing seems special anymore, it's actually quite hard to take.

I used to be scared when November 1 is coming. Malls would be putting there Halloween decorations. For a kid like me, they were fun, but the real scare was on, uhmmm, on the TV. Shows would be putting their horror special. Every movie showed are horror movies. And the most the scared me the most back then? Noli de Castro, every time he has his yearly Magandang Gabi Bayan Horror special. He would scare the shit out of me (all the ghost effects and scary stories). And of course, the usual, "Oh God oh God, there around, monster's have the reason to come out at night at this day". I was a scaredy cat, hated horror movies, but I guess that made November 1 for me special. It was a different kind of a holiday. Whenever I feel that scare in me, I just know it's that time of the year again.

More than that, my family would celebrate November 1 quite differently back then. In the mother side, it was still quite the same (the routine earlier), but in the father side, we would celebrate it on the cemetery. During those times, my grandpa (paternal side) was still alive, and we would spend the rest of the day at my grandma's (paternal side) parents grave site. My father would put a tent, and beside there, was the grave site of Lolo Thomas, a family friend that was quite close with my great grandparents. With Lolo Thomas' family and our family, it was fun. There were a lot of food, people were playing cards, adults gamble while the kids play kiddie card games. I wasn't that mature back then, but I knew that All Soul's Day was special. The entire Davao Memorial Park is a huge party, every seems to be enjoying themselves. It was more about visiting the dearly departed, but celebrating it with them, as if there were still alive.

"Yeah, yeah, yehehe, it's a party in the cemetery...."

Years passed and things have changed. Despite my grandpa died, we never practiced the whole "let's-put-a-tent-and-just-celebrate-here". We do visit him every Sunday (I don't come usually), but mostly we just skipped this year (due to traffic and it has only been two years). But even before my grandpa died, we never spend that much time anymore at Davao Memorial Park. We go and visit, but that's just it.

Earlier this afternoon, my father decided to visit my late grandpa's site. Of course, since I don't come at Sunday's that much, I wanted to go. Using our bikes, me and my father cycled our way there (it was our 2nd time to do that together, 1st time was I think way back in high school). Anyways, as we were having a hard time going pass by the "human traffic", I would see the usual tents, the happy people celebrating with their dearly departed, and the food that was sold that included pizzas, burger, and even Mang Inasal. At every grave site that me and my father visited, I felt the usual flatness during the morning when I was with my grandparents and mother. I did the usual prayers, but they just doesn't seemed that much deep. It was just more about, praying, rather than showing to them that it's their day.

I guess because of the changes, growing up, not practicing the old practices anymore, All Soul's Day has become just another day to me. But for everything that might have changed, always remember that this day is still for them. Every prayer that I gave, they might not be that deep, but everything came from the heart. I do pray that their soul's will forever rest in peace, that their souls will forever be blessed by God, and that they continue to watch over the families that they have left physically. All in all, I guess what I'm just trying to say, All Soul's Day, through all these years, have changed for me. But if there's one thing that doesn't change, I know that this day is especially for them. For the entire year, this is the day that you not only remember them, but also celebrate with them. Celebrate the death that, was not an end, but an eternity with the presence of the Lord. From me to your dearly departed, may their souls rest in peace, forever be blessed, and look at you and your family always. Happy All Saint's and Soul's Day everyone.

Amen.

3 Stages of Hell

I woke up this morning feeling good. It was a rainy Tuesday morning, not the perfect way to start my 1st day of the week (Monday was Baranggay Elections), but certainly a great morning either way. Feeling the urge just to stay in bed, I decided to lay for a while and "cuddle". After what seems to be a while, I felt that it was time to get-up, I "woke up early" anyways, looking at the clock, it was already 7:15AM. Time to prepare for my 8AM review class. Nothing like a.....SON OF A B-!!! It's already 7:15AM?! Fuck!! Ahhh!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!.... As you can imagine, I missed breakfast, brushed my teeth automatically, took a bath with cold water (with a cold weather, I was freezing to death) and zoomed my clothes as if it was automatically transferred to my body. On the side note though, I really took extra time for my hair. Thinking about the possibility of not making it on time, I checked my alarm why it didn't rang. For the love of, I forgot to set it on AM, my alarm was still to ring at 5:30PM. Still raining, I went out in the house hoping I could still make it on time (being late really didn't mean anything, I just don't want to be caught by our fabulous reviewer). What I thought would be a breeze, I didn't expect that the following events would actually be hell. Not just any hell, but 3 Stages of freaking hell. This what freaki-....oh...fucking happened.

Sorry for my language. It was a fucking situation as hell.

1. Strong Rain Morning

Nothing like a cold rainy morning to ruin your hairdo and make you wet for not the right reasons.

Ah, rain. In a hot country like the Philippines, its quite nice to rain once in a while. But raining is sometimes not cool when it occurs the entire morning. Let alone when you need to hurry up since your late for work or school. But really, its quite nice to have a rainy morning. You always have the urge to just stay in bed. Ah, I wished I just stayed in bed. But I still have review class. But like any human out there waking up in a cold morning, they tend to stay in bed anyways. Which, sadly, includes jeepney drivers. As much as it was bad enough that the rain ruined my hair (I took time making my hair), the rainy morning surely made jeepneys drivers stay in bed. Which caused to have fewer jeeps. Which caused the jeeps full. Which caused me to be stuck for 2o minutes just waiting for a ride. I was really about to give up, just stay home, call it a day despite its still early in the morning, I was late as heck already. But I knew I got to try. Which leads us to....

2. Full Jeepneys

Lucky bastards......wish I thought of that.

So like any other hopeless passenger, I took the jeep with a free seat despite it's not the jeep I was suppose to ride. I ended up taking a Mintal jeep rather than a Toril jeep. I know I have to double ride, so I went down at the Jeepney Stop at Matina. As if my eyes deceive, a lot, and I do mean a lot of people were also waiting for a ride. It was going to be a grueling battle. Its every passenger for himself. Clawing and battling for the right to take the ride. Well, it was a tough one, got another extra 15 minutes just standing there waiting. As I was about to lose hope, I was already deciding to call it quits again and just go back home. Saying my prayers to God, I just said "one last try". And like any miracle in God's own special way, a Toril jeep slowly went to my direction, about to unload a passenger. I followed it without any hassle, and finally, finally, I was able to get a ride. On the side note, it was 8:20AM already. Just the thought that I finally got a ride, I thought my problems would be done. I thought wrong.

3. Traffic

Man's main enemy on the road.

I though traffic would be the least of my problems. Since, I don't know, there was less jeeps. But my day just keeps surprising me. I have to deal with traffic everyday actually. It was just that it occurred in a time I'm late as hell. It occurred to a time where its raining, thus there is flood. It occured not on the best moment. Alas, it just occurred in a wrong timing. I knew I was late, but my hopes of making it around 9AM just went to the drain. I just went to three stages of hell. Three. I knew all hope is lost. I took my headphones, plugged it on my cellphone, and just listen my way to calmness.

-------------------------------------------------------

To be honest, during those stages, I was in contact with a friend of mine (who happens to be a birthday boy). Anyways, I told him that I would be super late (1st Stage), told him to tell me if the reviewer already arrived and if my seat is already taken (2nd Stage). While I was on my third stage of hell, I kept wondering why he hasn't texted yet. Wasn't the reviewer suppose to arrive 30 minutes ago? I kept calling him, and he keeps saying the reviewer hasn't arrived yet. I was only a few miles away when he suddenly missed called. I called him and he told me that the reviewer will be late, got stuck on the plane and will arrived at 9:30AM. It was 8:50Am, and everything just went smoothly.

I arrived at the review center with my hood on (my hair was ruined). I sat at the reserved seat and just plain talked to my friend, telling him what morning I just went through. As I reflected about my morning, from waking up late, having my parents bickering me I woke up late, to the stages of hell I went through, I realized that I was still blessed to make it "on time". Nevertheless, it was a kind of morning I will never forget. My day still went on nicely. It may not seem intense as you read these, but trust me, it was hell like no other, three stages for that matter.

Walking Alone: A NGSB's outlook in life

As I was waiting for my friend who would treat me for pizza at a mall, I decided to stroll around to kill time. It's been a while since I've stroll down a mall all by myself. Walking down the mall, a sudden gush of realization came upon me. As I was looking at the people, they were mostly in groups. Group of students who just came from school, a family who are about to eat dinner inside a certain restaurant, a foreigner with his pinay girlfriend, a bunch of Korean's talking about video games and pretty much everyone who seemed to be in a pack. I quickly realized I was all by myself. I didn't mind it, until I saw a couple holding hands, being sweet together. I shrugged it off and continued walking. I saw another, and then another, until such time, I was seeing couples all around me. My body was moving, but my mind stopped. For a second, my life flashed back at me, as if it was retelling me something. I was all alone, and I probably will for the rest of my life.

I often ask myself how I was never able to get inside a relationship. What things did I do wrong? What areas do I lack? Did I love the wrong girls? Was fate playing on me? Why can't something that is mostly common to others, seem to be alien to me?

All my life, I have only learned to love three girls. As much as I love beautiful girls, often getting a crush on every beautiful girl my eyes lay into, my heart has only learned to love those three . But the fact that with those three girls, I carry the burden of "missing the jackpot" three times. The first one was a high school crush, who probably looked at me as an "annoying admirer". The second one was a college classmate, who never really considered my actions and advances as "courting". The third one was a classmate in another section, the closest one I got in terms of courting, but simply rejected me because I wasn't her "ideal guy". God knows I love them greatly, I would have done everything to at least get a chance. Sadly, I'm never good enough.

I have often accepted that maybe it's not my time yet. Maybe the girl for me hasn't arrive. Or maybe I have met her already, but we just haven't found to connect yet. Or at times, I contemplate to think that maybe the girl for me is just within those three girls that I have loved, that maybe it's not just time yet. But facts stay true, I'm single, think what I want to think, I'm still single.

As I slumbered in my single life, I have watched relationships formed and go. I watched how two people find a way to each other sharing one love, and see couples break out of a relationship that is tangled with lies, cheat and deceit. I often find myself trying to save a relationship, and at times, angry as I find a guy cheating on his girlfriend. Lucky are those people to have shared a love with a special someone, but they just find ways to waste a good chance. Something I wish I had, and something I know I could keep much better.

Love for me has always been a great deal. I sometimes could say I am blessed to have such gift. To love someone unconditionally, I know I possess what others lack. Growing up, I have come up with so many definitions of love either using long sentences to show how great my love is or using flowering words to shop how deep my love can be. I was a romantic, I was born one, to love was my main goal in life. But I have been through so much. My heart got broken, healed at time, got broken hard, patched, loved greatly for the third time, and it shattered. But despite the rejections, I have come to appreciate the undying love from family and friends. But love for me has lose its beauty its true essence. Love to me just simply became "complicated".

I have gone through every defense and coping mechanism. I have heard every advice or comforting words. I have done a lot to forget my dilemma. But at this point of my life, nothing is making me feel alright. Everyday I wake up, I live a lie pretending I am ok when it truth, I have quite loss the urge to keep living. I often forget at times that a lot of people out there are having a much more harder situation than me and forget to appreciate the simple things in my life. But being loveless has taken a toll on me, and I am suffering because of it.

I will never make a girl cry. I will always be faithful to her. I will love her the way she wants to be loved. I will be the right man for her. Words that I have said, words that I know I can keep, but words that I can't prove for the moment.

A friend told me that "Single life is a gift from God". I have always come to appreciate that fact, but living a life without a special someone has broken my spirit. I often could say that I could just get any girl to be my girlfriend. But I know I will just hurt them in the end, and I can't have that on my back. My heart just learns to love one special girl. I sometimes do not choose, my heart just tells me that "She's the one worth fighting for". But things just don't go my way. I think of it everyday. I often think about it more than my upcoming board exam. This is my life, my future, thinking whats its going to be. Maybe I'm just anxious, maybe I've waited for so long. Thoughts and thoughts bicker in my head. Its killing me inside. I want to break free for the moment, the life that has secluded me, the love that I was denied. I opened my eyes....

...And I was standing at the mall. All alone. Still alone. I have been walking with a dead brain. My friend called that he was at the mall already. We caught up with other and proceed to the pizza restaurant. As we were walking, I passed by again another couple. I looked at the girl and the hot chick gave me a small stare. She just found a cuter guy compared to her boyfriend. I smiled and kept on walking. Life has indeed been hard on me, but it must go on. I don't know what tomorrow brings, so I'll just go along with it. Things will just find a way to work out according to my way. But on that moment, I was just so hungry, my mind shifted to just eat a damn pizza.

Less Money, Still More Problems

There was a time in my life where holding a ten peso bill meant that I can buy a lot of stuff already. I could buy all the food that I want to eat. As a kid, all I ever bought was toys found at the stores outside our school and foods from the canteen. Life was good, I thought my life was not that hard with a 10 peso bill in my hand. So when I ask my classmates how much is his baon daily, he said "20 pesos". I asked another classmate, and she said "50 pesos". From there on, I realized I'm a poor kid.

Note, I was a mere Kinder that time. Imagine having that same allowance 'till 2nd year high school. Yep, I grew up learning to save money so I could buy stuff. I would sacrifice anything just for the sake of having the chance to buy something. Because of that, I learned to walk from school going home because I used my money to buy some cards. I wouldn't eat merienda for days just for the sake I could buy a toy. I wouldn't spend my entire allowance for the week, just so I could play at internet cafes for at least an hour at Friday or Saturday. I wouldn't buy food for the day because I prefer to buy ice cream (which if you could complete 4 sticks that has the letters K-I-M-Y, you win a Gameboy Advance). For the sake of wanting something, I have to go through a little (or mostly a stupid) sacrifice just so I could get what I want.

But it wasn't that much hard because my mother would make me bring lunch or a little snack for merienda. Still, having 10 pesos was still hard. I could remember that I have to sacrifice badly two weeks just so I could buy a monthly issue of K-Zone (75 pesos). Things got better when I transferred to Ateneo. My allowance increased from 10 to 20 pesos. Jeep fair isn't included and I still have my own snack and lunch. I know I'm quite poor compared to my Ateneo classmates, but surprisingly, when it comes to playing video games or eating with them, I still had the money to level with them. Not getting to spend your 100 pesos weekly allowance could save you up a lot for at least a day or two of full money-spending activities.

Nevertheless, I was a poor man, limited to stuff that is only a necessity. I couldn't buy stuff anymore. As much as I save, there aren't enough. And I wasn't a kid that asks money from their parents. No, I learned in a young age that everything I ask from my parents they won't give all the time. It was a turning point actually, I learned to depend on myself in terms of money. College came and finally, 80 pesos everyday seemed to be okay. But still, I needed to compromise stuff so I could just compensate with my low allowance. After four years of balancing expenses due to constant playing of video games, requirements, group projects, and more costly "We will collect money for..." from my classmates, I still survived. But of course, I had a lot of financial problems, and my little "business" was the only thing that saved me. My classmates paid me money to make their assignments and requirements. It was actually quite a good business though, didn't save that much, but let's just say, I have money every freaking all the time.

So here's the thing. All my life, I have always had a very small allowance. And through proper saving and hard work, I always had the money to survive. Hey, I even got to buy stuff already for my own without depending on my parents. So what's the hoolah all about? Up to this day, nothing changed.

Nothing ever change between me and money. Oh yeah, so why the heck do I complain when I just said how I survived that kind of dilemma you asked? Because that is it, nothing changed. I'm sick and tired of still having to face financial problems even though I'm just a simple guy with a very very simple allowance. I always believed with the term "Mo' money, Mo' problems". So, shouldn't I have less problems since I have less money? Well, in this case, no, I guess it doesn't apply. I'm just frustrated because at this moment, I have zero money. Why? My parents borrowed it from me. It's not like I could have said no, because my father really needs the money to but a new LCD for his cellphone that he accidentally broke. Money is needed since its an important stuff, but really, leaving me with a zero account? The money borrowed isn't that big, but it was already plenty of money for me. I feel like I could face the world since I have enough money. But now, I feel like a homeless man. What's worst, my allowance really is just 50 pesos per day. Since my review is only half-day, it has stayed that way. I couldn't squeeze a little money from my allowance because it's so small. The sad thing even is that my mother miscalculated the bills, that she couldn't give me another 50 pesos for this Saturday's class. And the worst and worst part of it all, it might be a while before my parents could replace that money.

But what could really pissed me out more, is the fact that its just really a small amount. That small amount, and they needed to borrow it up from me? My only savings, my only money, they had to borrow it? What could be the most worst money problem you could ever had, and I have it, having no money at all. I could go on and fret about how my parents never pushed their careers to the point where they could have lots and lots of money but I'll stay to keep it to myself. It's just that, I can't help not get mad and be dissapointed with them. We ain't rich, were just simple folks, but you got to be kidding me that we still get financial problems to just small problems. If they had great jobs, this problem could have been just an easy fix, heck, my father would have brought a new phone.

I sometimes wish life was the same when I was still in Kinder. I have a small amount of money, but I couldn't care. I could buy stuff, anything I desire. My simplicity made that small amount of money enough for me. But once you realize the money other people have, the needs that you actually have, the needs you can't have but getting to see others fulfilling theirs, you look at your small amount of money and you realize, you got problems. You actually got lots of them.

Nth MS Overkill

Me: What do you think is the secret in getting the right answers in a MS test?

Friend: Anatomy and Physiology. Just consider the normal turning abnormal and you'll know.

Me: Ahhhh.....(great, I really need to understand that?!)

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Me: How do you end up knowing what drug to be administered?
Friend: I just remember stuff.
Me: So I guess I really need to read the Pharma book again.
Friend: No, not really, just know the basic stuff.
Me: Nah, I'll read the book again. Maybe around the long break.
Friend: Yeah.
Me: (great, I have to really read drugs again.)

-----------------------------------------------------------

I guess I could say that in every nurse that likes one thing from the whole Nursing concept, one nurse would end up hating it. Ironically to me, I hate one of the most favorite concept of majority of the nurses. Ironically, I hate the most important concept there is on the side of the Philippine nursing. Medical-Surgical freaking shit. Or shortly known as MS....freaking shit.

I hate MS one way or another. I never liked it, and in a way, it never liked me too. Me and MS? We just never look straight in the eye. I could still remember the 1st MS exam I took. The whole Medical-Surgical Concept was interesting at me at first. The whole Peri operative stuff, members of the surgical team, consent and what not, trust me, I felt it was easy. But I never really understood at first the whole "MS concept.". I didn't realized back then that MS was more than what is happening on the Surgical room, it also deals with every freaking illness and diseases, and how to deal with them. And oh, the reactions inside the body and drugs too. I was quickly shock as I took my 1st MS exam. I felt lost, I didn't knew what I was answering. My mind had no idea what to choose from the options. Still, I finished it with confidence. At that point, I haven't really failed in a major way to my major exams. If I fail, still maybe 50% above. Oh boy, rationalization came and reality gave a big smack on my head. 36/100. That was the lowest score I ever got in an exam in my entire life.

I guess to be able to graduate in nursing meant that I did good enough to graduate. Yes, in a sense there were times I had to have my teachers to save my ass, regardless, I did what I needed to do to pass. I studied even when I don't study too much to get the passing rate. But if there is one thing I haven't accomplish during my college years, that is passing an MS exam. From 3rd year to 4th year, I failed all my MS exams. Every time I did my best and focus hard, the highest I only got was a mere 50/100.

Earlier this day, we had our MS Post-test at the review. I scanned a little on my notes, and I readily took on the test. I know that MS is my weakest concept, so I was just looking forward to get at least 50%. Rationalization went well, I started by getting the correct answers, but as usual, rationalization became more of a torture as it went along. I though I had the right answer, but no, its only the 2nd best answer. I though I rationalize well, but no, I rationalized wrong. As I looked to my friend's paper, I wasn't really quite surprise. Again, my friend is smart, but how the heck can't I even compensate on getting some questions correct? And so, MS overkilled me again. Score was so low, I went home with a cold look (and despite sitting beside a hot chick, I couldn't even feel funky).

In many ways, I have always find MS to be inappropriate for the entire nursing repertoire. First and foremost, it's all about diseases. Isn't it the doctor's responsibility to know these diseases? Aren't we nurses just suppose to learn the procedures and other nursing stuff that nurses should only do? In other countries, the nursing course is only limited to learning the nursing procedures. But no, MS takes the nursing in the Philippines into another level. That is why nursing in the Philippines is quite something. But I don't know, never have been keen about it. Before college, I always thought nursing was just about learning what nurses do, that's why it was kind of a shock to me to find out I have to learn all the diseases, its manifestations and nursing responsibilities. Nsg. responsibilities I can understand, but knowing more about the disease? Too much.

And unlike other concepts, my stock knowledge regarding MS isn't that quite rich. You give me an exam about the other concepts, more or less, I could get 50% without studying. Because the other concepts seem to be fix already. CHN? It's a short process, and even if you have to read a lot about COPAR and IMCI, it could sometimes be just basic knowledge already. Funda? Just learn the different procedures and how they must be done ideally. Psychia? Just know the background of all psychiatric illnesses, the drugs, and how you are suppose to do deal with psychia patients. LMR? Just study the jurisdiction, the research concept, and you are all set. MS? Just study the drugs and know the right nursing interventions to be done in every disease.

Ok, maybe it's just me. MS could be easy if I would just study hard. But I don't know, my brain just won't be stimulated to study MS. I still got enough time to study, but if I can't even get 50% without studying, then I guess its one long studying I guess. One thing about MS is that it's a huge concept, you don't really have that much idea what will come out in the exam, that's why you just have to study a lot. Well, as much as I want to rat out more, I still have a LMR exam tomorrow. For now, I must concentrate on passing that exam. But one way or another, if I want to became a professional nurse, I must pass a MS exam. Along the way, passing a MS exam isn't required, its a necessity.

b7619ec4-6e37-4660-bdbc-b109432f73b7

1.03.01

The pressure is officially ON!

As I stood up from my chair, I exited out of the classroom bearing a tired-looking face. I just took the post-test for our Maternal Nursing.

"What the heck just happened?", "How did I end up screwing it up again? "If only I studied...I could have gotten a higher score", those words flew in my mind like a flock of birds. I kept hearing scores around me, people were taking about the scores they got. Some passed, a lot failed, but their scores are somewhat apart from mine.

"You didn't study, you'll get it next time", I just thought to myself, trying to lift the smallest self-esteem left within me. And I decided to give myself a study-free, day-off for the rest of the day.

As me and my friend took a jeepney ride, going to the ol' school again, the results of that post-exam still bothered me. The fact that I haven't studied shouldn't really bother me at all, but the fact that I failed only showed I still have a lot of studying to do. "What's new?", I said to myself, trying to ease my feelings.

We entered the school with really no intention there. I just wanted to check if a special someone got a duty schedule, while my friend just wanted to use the bathroom. After checking, and apparently a bathroom visit, we went our separate ways and went home.

Honestly, I was hoping there would be freshly baked pudding in NCX. I'm somewhat pissed that I just went to school to use the bathroom.

As I arrived at home, the only thing I thought was to eat lunch and browse the 'net at the same time. Chomping down, I checked my Facebook like any other day. I saw people posting in their walls about the released NLE July 2010 results. My eyes widened, my heart jumped for excitement. Some of my friends took the July 2010 exam, I was anxious what was the result. I felt scared, I know that my time is still yet to come this December, but I was excited for my friends. One by one, I checked their names. One by one, I saw their names. It was a pride of joy like no other for my friends who just became fresh RNs.

I wasted no time, I tagged and congratulated them. I even called one friend of mine, "I won't be happy until I know it's official", she said, as she still felt anxious but happy at the same. I was pumped-up! "Oh my, PARTY!!", I thought to myself. I know their would be a celebration, nevertheless, the thought that my friends finally went over the hump was good enough for me.

As I finished my daily 'net routine, I turned off the computer and went to wash the dishes. As I scrubbed through a plate, I still can't imagine that my friends are finally registered nurses. I went on to imagine myself, checking the results and seeing my name. "Top Baby!", I imagined myself as people congratulate me. My future was a bright one, but then all of a sudden, I felt my heart beating faster. Thoughts about my coming board exam flooded my head. "Will I really pass?" "What would I do if I didn't?", "What would my parents feel?", "How will I hold up if my friends passed and I didn't?", these thoughts circulated my head, much as I was already feeling good that I will pass. And all of a sudden, everything went black, and I suddenly found myself going head first to the floor....

Sometimes I wish.

Of course, I didn't collapse. I just spiced things up since a novel of my day would be boring. Nevertheless, I really felt that sudden rush of anxiety about my future. At one moment, I felt so happy and excited to my friends who are freshly registered nurses. But as the moment shifted about my own future, I really felt scared. The fact that my friends, who were just my classmates a year ago, who I just shared the same experience with, who I graduated with are now RNs. While here I am, still reviewing, still just a mere Bachelor of Science in Nursing. I do envy them that they are feeling heaven right now. I do envy them that they'll finally take their oath. I envy them that they can start their careers now as professional nurses.

I do envy them that....wait...does that guy on the left lower side look like me?!

As I kept on thinking about my future, my mother told me that it's normal to feel scared. She even told me that it was sort of hard during her time. She was already working in a hospital before the results came out. There were no internet back then, so they had to wait for the results in the newspaper. She felt scared because she was already working without a license, so to fail it would result to embarrassment. Yeah, mom, I'll save that story later. The real thing was I got scared because I'm afraid of how I would prepare myself for the future. My mother did told me that during her time, the nursing board exam only happens once a year, which means all of them took the board exam at the same time. She didn't saw her batchmates becoming RNs before her, they all became one at the same time. But she told me to just keep on praying and study. As my mother left, I realized that I still got a lot of time left to study and pray. But the fact that my friends are now RNs, deep inside me, it all bottled down to one thing. I felt the pressure was already rising. I'm freaking pressured.

As in.....PRESSURE!!!!

I am a person that really feels pressure when someone in the same level as me have achieved something that I still have to achieve. I felt pressured to learn to walk when I saw toddlers have begun walking. I felt pressured to own a Gameboy when my friend had one. I felt pressured to try out Starcraft when my friends have finally experienced playing it. I felt pressured when my classmates have finished their subjects when I'm still half way done. I felt pressured when I saw people in my age are already a couple. I felt pressured when my friends slowly had girlfriends when I still have to have one. So to know my friends are already RNs, I suddenly felt pressured, at the same time inspired, to finally become a registered nurse myself.

When my female classmate however had boobs, I wanted to touch them. :D

Yes, the first few weeks of my review have been going along just fine. I have listened well to all the lecturers, read books, practiced answering questionnaires, I'm doing doing well. However, I do have to admit that when I said those things, I didn't meant I do them consistently. There are just really times when I don't feel like studying. Not the "You shouldn't study if your brain doesn't want to study" routine, but the "I won't study, even if I should, nah, I feel tired" routine. I guessed a lot of factors have affected my attitude towards studying these days, but really, I shouldn't bare any excuse not to study. But after this day, I somewhat found the right motivation to really kick the gear-up. To know my friends are now professional nurses, I must do my best to be the next one. To simply know the concepts is not enough, I must really find a way to master it. With the results of my post-test, I could really say that I still have a long ways to go, but I must start now. One lecturer told us that "We shouldn't give our best, we should give everything" And he is absolutely right. Because as much as I can retake the exam, I must always think of it as a "one-time" deal.

Yeah, something like that. Effort counts.

Right now, I feel pumped-up to read books, read my notes, just freaking read everything! The thought of my friends, other batchmates and the thousands of passers who finally became RNs is giving me pressure, but I know that I must use this pressure for my advantage. Yes, the pressure is on. They had their own fair share of countless hours of pure studying, having to face the curiosity of what a board exam feels like, experiencing the anxiety of waiting for the result, and the feeling of finally becoming professional nurses, so now, its our turn, my freaking turn. This is my calling, this is my destiny, no one would go against me but myself only. My only enemy is myself, and I must beat myself if it means grabbing that precious license. So here I am, no more excuses, just got to do and give everything. I believe that the upcoming board exam will be a breeze. I know that when the NLE December 2010 passers list will be released, my name will be there. Ahhh, Noel Christian O. Yulo, RN!!! Bring it!! Bring it!! PRESSURE IS ON AND I'M READY FOR MY DESTINY!!!

But first, party new RNs....PARTEH!!!

And so concludes what was a great friendship....

All I ever wanted was to say I was sorry. All I ever wanted was her to accept my forgiveness. All I ever wanted was for her to forgive me. All I ever wanted was just for both of us to forget about it and just go on with our lives. But sometimes, you can never always get what you want. If you aren't destined to get it in a million years, you'll never get it in a million years, never.

I finally drew the last line between the ongoing sort-of-feud I had with my friend. Last week, I finally had the balls to say all I ever wanted to say. No more short apologies, no more cheap shot friendship quotes to post in Facebook, no more. I sent her a very long message in Facebook, it needs to end. The next day, I saw her status stating that someone had sent her a very long pm. I knew it was me. It was sort of disappointing to know that she looks forward for a "lil talk". Just a little talk for a very long message of mine? She's only going to have a short thing to say. I knew it wasn't going to go well as I thought it would, but I had to hope for the best anyways.

As I was camping again at Facebook, looking for anything fun, I found her online. My hands were itching, I needed to do it. I clicked her name and started to communicate with her. It was kind of nerve cracking waiting if she would reply. She did, and oh boy was it a very interesting one.

..........."i should have prevented this to happen"......"if only we were just plain classmates"......"everything is all good now...."....."......but not the way it was before"......

We did end up having a pretty lengthy conversation I might say. But it ended not in the note I was hoping for. Yeah, we had a great talk, smoke seemed to have been cleared, but the inevitable just happened. The friendship we had between one another was already scarred. She did forgive me, but she can't give me the friendship that we used to have. I didn't understand why. The last thing I did was overly reacted to a thing she did to me. It was a petty fight my friends said, but how could she ever decide to just not let things be the way they were. She regretted that it had to go up to this point. If we could have just been ordinary classmates. If she only didn't trust me. If we just didn't have that friendship that we had. I was confused, and yet, I understood why she said those stuff.

In the end, the sort-of-feud that we have ended. But at the same time, our great friendship was also included. Changes, these are the changes in life that will eventually come. Changes that we will hate, but we must need to accept. Man my life is just so fucked up right now. I thought losing a friend would suck, but having a friend back but not the same as before sucked even more. The more I think about it, the more I lose my sense of living in this world. I'm no suicidal or anything, but God, I just want all of it to stop. But life must go on and on and on no matter how miserable it is. I'll never forget the great times that we had, the moments we shared with one another, the great friendship, no, relationship that we had. Deep inside, I just know that there is no reason that it must end, but its her call. At least, bygones are bygones, but for the record, so was our great friendship, bygone, gone probably forever, forever concluded.

One month ago.....

July 16, 2010.

I though it was the day.

One month then, still, it's a day to remember.

Time seemed to have passed by so fast, a month already has past. It was like it was only yesterday, the two of us sitting on the Roxas bench at school, finally having the talk I've always wanted to have with her. That was it, pressure was on, I had once chance. The moment went on and on and on, and swoosh, it became the day that I would forever remember in my mind. Forever I would be reminded. That on that day, my love for the 3rd time, failed the 3rd time. On that day, the girl I loved the most, rejected me.

It was just like any ordinary Friday. Any kind of day actually. I woke up knowing I still have a lot of paper works to do. Of course, I also knew that we would see each other. We planned to do things with each other that day. Following-up our exhibit forms, it was going to be a great day. But deep inside, I was already getting anxious. I asked her a few weeks past if we could talk, just the two of us. I needed to tell her already, I needed to make things the way I wanted them to be. It was already long due. It was time I propose to her to be my girlfriend.

We planned to start our day by seeing each other in CHDC. We had to have our exhibit forms there signed by the Chief Nurse. I arrive there a little bit early, but I didn't mind waiting for her. What was new? Anyways, she arrived, looking hot with her green t-shirt. And coincidentally, I was wearing the same color of shirt. Deep inside, I had a feeling that that was the day. So we did what we needed to do, and then off we went to school to do other more stuff regarding our forms. It was quite a busy morning, but we managed to accomplished a lot of stuff. But sadly, we still needed to go back in the afternoon. Lunch was approaching fast, and we decided to go home for lunch and see each other again in the afternoon.

We walked together up to Roxas gate, her brother was fetching her. I decided to stay and wait until her brother fetches her. While standing, I couldn't help but remind her of the talk we were suppose to have. For so many times, our planned talk was spoiled with some unseen circumstances. That was the day, there was no way it could be spoiled, so I reminded her. She joked that we shouldn't talk, and then she quickly insisted that we just talk while waiting for her brother to arrive. I didn't expected that, I got pressured all of a sudden. What if I can't say all I want to say? What if I mumbled all my words? All I know is, that was it. The moment I have been waiting for. Sitting on the bench, I started to open my mouth. She listened and kept on smiling. After I talked, she then proceeded to say the words that have seemed to have pierced in my mind forever, "Basta wag lng lagi". My world suddenly stopped spinning. Everything became a blur, everything.....

Fast forward up to this day, here I am, celebrating a monthsarry that is just too painful to bear. To sum everything all that happened within the month, I got depressed, cried, world turned upside down, got hurt so much, and that's it. Its too much to story anymore. I just know that I'll never be okay. The feeling to have your heart shattered into pieces, it's painful to have this empty feeling inside. I should just keep everything bottled up, it won't make me feel better to write down every drama that occurred for the past month. All I know is, a month ago, it would have been the greatest moment of my life. Yes, its Bargaining in depression if I hoped it would have turned the other way around, but I am on Acceptance now. There is nothing more I can do. Nevertheless, this day would forever be part of my life, July 16, 2010, the girl I have truly loved the most, rejected me, one month ago.....

Contemplating for the Board Exam

July 28, 2010.

4:15 PM

As I'm writing this, I only have four months and 12 days left until the December 2010 Philippine Nursing Licensure Examination. If you think about it, I still have enough time to study everything there is to study about Nursing. But there is just this scary feeling within me that I'm slowly running out of time. It's like the pressure is building up as hours and days passed by. My review has already started for two weeks running now. I still haven't reach a quarter of Phase 1, and I still need to go through Phase 2 and 3. I still have a lot of time to get a grip on myself, and yet there is this feeling that I won't be totally prepared on the big day. I don't know how I would end up getting ready for four months? How could I motivate myself to go to my at most limits? How could I push myself to pass the Board Exam? The plan of getting a high grade to top the board is even slipping my mind now. Thoughts of failing to get 50% of the correct answers is already occupying my mind. My mind is already teasing the idea that I may not do it. Me passing the Board Exam should be my destiny, let alone pass it with high marks. But I'm slowly crumbling right now, I'm afraid, I fear for the worst, it feels like it's coming. I don't know if I still have the confidence to believe in myself.

It was only eight hours ago that I took the post-test for our Fundamentals of Nursing in our review. It wasn't suppose to be as we were originally scheduled to have a lecture. Despite this change, we were already finished with our Fundamentals of Nursing lecture. Not everything was taught, but we were expected to know a lot of things already. We are BSN now, we graduated in nursing, we are bound to have known something already. I couldn't find a way yesterday to study a heavy topic in a span of six hours. I had to try, I did. I studied, but it felt like I still didn't study. My efforts to study wasn't enough, I wasn't able to study everything. It was already 1 in the morning, I had to sleep. As I woke up, I tried my best to cram out other aspects in Funda that I can study. I felt that I wasn't prepared as I went to the review center. This wasn't a graded exam. A graded exam back then in college didn't bother me because I knew that even if I fail it, I did well in the other aspects of the subject just enough to pass. But this is different. It's not graded, but it will measure if I learned something, or nothing at all.

I sat down on my chair, just keeping my brain relaxed until the exam started. As it was about to start, I went into a deep concentration. I answered the 1st questions nicely, I felt that I was doing good. I just had to focus and analyze well, and I know I will be able to choose the right answer. But as I went with the exam, I was getting less confident. I didn't knew that much about some stuff asked on the questions. I wasn't quite sure if I was choosing the right answers. I felt that it was hard when it shouldn't be. If I only knew, if I only knew about these topics, it could have been a breeze. No, my knowledge wasn't enough, but I went on. I didn't finish first, but I finished answering it all in my usual average speed, in contrast, is still quite fast. I was sort of confident with my answers. Multiple choice, you always think you picked the right answers. I took a break and played with my friend's PSP while waiting for everyone to finish. Despite my mind was busy playing, I was hoping that at least, without the proper preparation, I would still reach the 60% mark, or even the idea of just getting 50% would do. My aim was 70-80, my ok would be 60, my worst case scenario was 50. That was my condition I put to myself.

The lecturer that was suppose to give the rationalization arrived. I turned off the PSP, looking forward to know how I did for the post-test. As #1 started, I felt good that I got it. it was a no brainer. Then #2 came, I got it again. It looked good. But when my #3 was wrong, I slight feeling came into me. This is going to be a long rationalization. As the question items passed by, I have identified a lot of wrongs then right. The ratio was going 50%. My rights are 50% behind than my wrong. It didn't felt good. As I listened to the rationalization, I kept asking myself how the hell I goofed up a question. Why in the heck I chose this? Why did I chose to answer this? I didn't knew some of this stuff, that's why I got a wrong answer. I felt dumb, knowing that I only got 50% on the first 50 questions. 50 more to go, and I wasn't liking my chances anymore. As much as I have learned a lot in the rationalization, the idea that I got a lot of mistakes overtook my mind. When 10 items were already left, my percentage of correct answers have dropped to 40%. It was embarrassing already, I opted to continue counting my correct answers.

As my seatmates were counting how they did, I went into a deep realization and just said to myself, "I still have a lot of studying to do". Maybe it was a misfortune of getting the set of questions I didn't knew that much. Maybe everything I knew just didn't showed up in the exam. I know a lot, they just didn't show up. Maybe it was because I lacked sleep, my brain was dead tired. Or maybe my whole depressed love life affected me, i still had thoughts about her while I was answering the exams. All points are true, but all are bullshits. I don't know a lot. That's why I failed. It still was just like before, way back in college. I do bad in the exams. My average was getting 40-50%. My highest was always just 58-60%. My lowest was 30%, heck, I remembered I even got 20%. The difference? Back then it was graded, but like I said, other aspects in the subject got me a passing grade. I didn't study, never gave a lot of effort. Why would I? My student life was about having fun and just getting good grades. If I got good grades without giving that much effort in studying, then it's all good. Now? It's not graded. Just a proof that I will screw up in the board exam. Just a proof that studying is now more important than ever. This is for the board exam, this is all on me now. No other aspect will save me. It's all about getting the correct answers. Anyways, my seatmate got 65 items correct over 100. The other one got 62. One was pissed because he was aiming for a higher grade, one was just happy she passed. Both are smart people, but damn it I needed to be smart too if I want to pass the board exam.

I don't know how I will ever face that answer sheet of mine when it will be returned. I know it's a failure, but its already a reflection of what is inside my brain right now. And, it's not good and not that much. I went home reflecting on what I should do. Four months, 12 days, I'll have to read read, read, study, study, study. I know I'm a smart guy. I used to get 95% on my examinations back then. It used to pissed me off because I always aimed to be perfect. Gone are those days, but I need to be like that right now. I still have a lot of studying to do. I can still get up. I just have to make sure that I will know everything there is to know about nursing. That what ever questionnaire I answer, I would be able to answer it. With a clear focus and right analysis, I can find the correct answer among the choices. I must leave no room for error. I must be systematically able to get the correct answer. I must read my books by heart. The shortcuts the lecturers will teach won't be enough, I have to know everything behind those shortcuts. The Board Exam is four months away, but the pressure is on. To pass the board exam is my calling, to top it will be my destiny!!!

But for now, I must resume to my studying. This is no joke. I still got a lot of reading to do. What was suppose to be my "for a while" break has become four hours.

5:20 PM

It changes now.

It's make it or break it time.

May the Lord blessed me.

Let's do this.....:D

Hanging out with your Girl Friends

All of us have different type of friends. We hang out with different group of friends. You have your friends from home. Friends from school. Friends from other places. Categorizing them always to be different from one another. As a guy, you tend to have more guy friends. You hang-out with a group of guy friends. But along the way, you could practically say that you have girl friends, female friends. That you have a group of friends compose of all girls. It's essential that at least sometimes in your life, you need to hang out with them.

Last night, I went to a supposedly house party. One last party before review for the NLE starts. Though as much as I don't believe the idea that we won't have parties or drinking sessions during the span of reviewing, if I want to play my cards right, then this could probably be my last drink or party that I will attend before the review starts. The review composes of five months, so probably I'll have to wait that long to drink or party again. The plan was made two days earlier, and any guy who likes partying and drinking would commit given the right timing, reason and people who will attend. But as the day came (Friday), I was already feeling cautious of the idea that only few will come. Despite the number of people that were invited (C peeps and friends), I have this feeling that only few will come.

So there I was, just finished eating dinner, looking at the clock. Just 45 minutes away from 8PM. It was a cold night, I still haven't got enough sleep because I had an 11-7 duty earlier. But I made a commitment, and when Noel Yulo commits, only a certain reason can bail me out. I had no reason to bail. I had a few excuses made up in my mind, but I had no reason to bail. I asked and told some of my guy friends to come. One was coming because I was coming. My other guy friend was coming because I gave my word I would come. My one faggot guy friend couldn't come because he is sick (it actually surprises me he got sick). So I went, not knowing who will come, just giving my word to some people that "Noel Yulo will be coming".

I took a multicab ride to Ecoland. Went by the Convenience Store to buy Emperador (which would be my contribution for the night). With my hood on, I took a cold walk from there to Camuning St. As I saw my friend's house, I quickly notice some of my other female friends there. Honestly, I was already questioning myself of going there. Noel Yulo being there and Noel Yulo not being there wouldn't make a difference in their night. But this was my friends. As a guy, I really can't sometimes have a long discussion with them. But I had history with these friends of mine. I went inside my "House in Juna", greeted my friend's Ma and Pa, went to the backyard, sat down on the table, looking at my phone reading some textes, and then. Zoom.

Fast forward and I was already about to go home. My ate female friend and his boyfriend were about to go home. She lives in Dacoville, near Toril, so I can have a free ride and drop-off in Bangkal. My other female friend who lives in Gulf View also went with us (I think she was already tipsy). As I went inside my ate friend's car, I looked at the mirror and reflected on what happend on that night. I actually had a good time with my female friends. It wasn't the party I was hoping for, but there were drinks, foods, and we had some laughs. Sure, only 11 of us were there. My girl friends, my ate girl friend's boyfriend, some friends of my girl friends, and us three guys. If you knew us all personally, then you really couldn't imagine how we end up having that line-up, but yeah, it was still fun.

It wasn't the kind of drinking session where we went there to get wasted, get freaking drunk and go crazy. It was just any ordinary house drinking party. We ate junkfood, drank mixed vodka and just talked about anything. Although mostly my girl friends talked with one another and us three guys talking, we still shared one table. It was inevitable we wouldn't be drinking and having a good time together.

As we drove by our street, I went out from the car, gave my last goodbyes and proceed to take another cold walk to our house. I wasn't crazily drunk, nor was tipsy, but I was dead sleepy. I used the PC and net for a while, and then went to sleep. As I woke up, I received two text from my guy friend and girl friend from last night. They had a good time last night, and for me, it was nice. Because despite the fact that only few people came, despite the few reasons why that line-up even got together, we still managed to have a great time. Yes, I really did hope for a better party, wishing more people came. But whoever came last night, good for them. It didn't matter for me, I had a good evening with these guys, and I wouldn't mind doing it again. I guess what I'm trying to say that for a guy, it is also nice to hang out with your girl friends. Yes, in my situation, hanging out with them, I must tend to get a little less crazy, I'm practically quite with these guys. But as long as I can have good conversations with them, drink and eat with them, share a few Ken Salang joke's, then it was all good to me. The fact that all of us appreciate what happened last night is the main reason I'm typing this one out. It wasn't the night or party I was looking forward to, maybe also for them, probably it will be a while again until I hang out with my girl friends again, but hey, a party is still a party no matter how small........the number of people are.

Tarnished Legacy for a Championship

As you may have known by now, Lebron Raymone James has just signed a 5-year sign-and-trade contract with the Miami Heat. Yes, we are all witnesses of the day Lebron tarnished his Legacy.

....of "The Betrayal".

Before all this animosity happened, Lebron was just like your ordinary NBA "Superstar" player. He was in his last year with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He just became a back-2-back NBA Season MVP. He led his team to an impressive 61-21 record, a NBA best, securing them home-court advantage throughout the 2010 Playoffs. This was their championship season. The Cavs bulldoze their way against the Bulls. Everything looked good, until they met this three again.

No picture was available. And no, I don't hate them.

The only difference was that this three are a little older now compared to when they last met in the 2008 Playoffs. So what could possible could go wrong right? The Cavs took Game 1, setting up what could be the last series for this Celtics. Instead, the Celtics humiliate the Cavs on their own home floor with an 104-86 win in Game 2. Yeah, Cleveland took back Game 3 in a 124-95 win, but that was already the last win the Lebron Cavs would take. Boston took the next three games, and well, you know the story. But the big story was really about Game 5, on how Lebron chose not to fight back this old nagging Big Three. He didn't deliver what he was suppose to deliver. The King bowed down, and off he went to the Biggest Free-Agent Market in NBA History. And if I am not mistaken, the NBA named this "Decision 2010". When did the free-agency had a name of such. Never, because Lebron made this bigger.

His got to look good.

Players become free agents on July 1. So when the clock struck 12:01 AM, the whole Free-Agent Market went into a frenzy. James was courted by several teams, most prominently by the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, Miami Heat, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Clippers, as well as his hometown, the Cleveland Cavaliers. Even before the 2009-2010 season begun, teams were already preparing for the 2010 Free-Agency, sacrificing their season to catch the biggest free-agent there is. Saving money for the most expensive jewelry in the NBA box. Different gimmicks, names were used just to lure James away from the suburbs of Ohio. No one had an idea where he will go. New York was the front-runner. At that time, it seemed New York will be getting Bron-bron. But who will he play with? Can he even win a championship there? Outside the basketball sense, Lebron will do good in New York. Bright lights, big city, Lebron would go global. But as the season went by, Lebron chose to shut his mouth to where he wanted to go, only stating that July 1 of 2010 will be a big one. And so it did. Outside New York, teams popped-out, taking their shot to the elusive Lebron James. Expensive dinner dates with team owners, long-day discussions and assurance that money wasn't a problem. They gave Lebron a reason to play with them, they showed Lebron who he can play with, they gave Lebron the confidence he can win a championship on their team. Everyone was guessing where we would end up with. The leads for the front-runner team was changing. But all of this, one thing stands with them all. Lebron has the attention of everyone. Even during the Finals, Lebron stole the show by talking again about the big free agency. As much as great is his talent, also can be said to his ego. He wanted the attention. This was the King with no championship, but all be damn, he wants the attention, and he got it. But set aside the big Lebron chase, was the fact that what made this free-agency more bigger, was because of the other players that were available. I won't get to the context of naming them all, but just the next two, D-Wade, and C-Bosh.

The other big baits.

So with these three around, with no assured teams to sign, they made news all around the world. Chris Bosh, as a lot of people expected, wanted to be out of Toronto. Dwayne Wade, as much as Chicago wanted to take the Chi-town native, was still committed to the Heat organization. The three were having a chess game, waiting for the other to make a move. With talks of the possibility that this three can play together, the possibilities just became endless. Other players such as Paul Pierce and Dirk Nowitzki already re-signed with their respective teams. While Amare Stoudamire and Carlos Boozer already signed with the Knicks and the Bulls, respectively. But the Big Free Agents still yet to decide. But to cut all the crap, Bosh signed with the Heat to form a two-man combo with Wade. Now, everyone was looking at "The King". July 8 (9 here in the Philippines) was the date. ESPN was the channel to watch. Some Boys and Girls foundation were to be used as Lebron's props. This was the day Lebron has waited for. And suddenly, he utter these words: "This fall I am taking my talents to South Beach and play with the Miami Heat. The major factor was the best opportunity for me to win, to win now and for the future also. Winning is the most important thing for me. I feel like this is going to be the best opportunity."

Check....

....and mate.

All across the globe, millions of people instantly became a Heat bandwaggon fan. The possibility, just became possible. It shook the NBA as a whole. Teams, executives, coaches, and players were all stunned with the news. Different reactions came across every NBA or basketball fan. This is the team to beat. This is the team for the ages. Championship Contender, heck the Championship is already being prepared for the Heat. The new Big Three has arrived.

Younger, leaner and less green.

And so the basketball frenzy for the new Heat has arrived. Despite this, the Heat has still a lot of things to do, like for example, I don't know, fill-up the rest 11 slots? Yep, the Heat has a lot of things to do to support this "Superstar Trio". They gave up a lot of players, not resigning them, and trading players to have enough money to cash in the three. So it's a big responsibility of the Heat organization to deliver what is necessary to get the championship. But beyond this, Lebron also did what only a cruel man can do. Leave a beloved for the sake of "Business".

It sucks that they can just burn NBA jerseys. I'm so poor I cant buy one and I want one.

Lebron left the Cleveland Cavaliers to chase a championship. He left everyone in Cleveland with broken hearts. The people that became "Witnesses", supported the "Chosen One" when he stepped in the NBA. The people that looked at him as a god, worshiped him, consider him as the savior of Cleveland, all has their heads bowed down. Because their King betrayed them, their King left them. Because he was no king in the first place. He was no savior. He wasn't some alpha dog "best player in the league" guy. He only showed that he can't win a championship in Cleveland, he needs his buddy Wade and Bosh. And from there, Lebron tarnished his legacy.Truth be told he could have been all those things.

And yet here we are Lebron, and yet here we are.

Despite being a Kobe fan, I'm also Lebron fan. I could still remember just a couple of months ago, playing some tune-up game. I made a strong power dribble, took two big steps going to the rim, with a defender in sight, I adjusted my lay-up and the ball went in despite with contact. And then I said to myself, I played like Lebron, because the time I made the dribble, I had Lebron's mentality to attack the rim. I'm not that great in basketball, but I can say I can pull-off moves based on the players I idolozed. And Lebron is no exception. I have said a lot of times that Lebron is too good not to win a championship. Only during his 4th season, he took his team to the NBA Finals. Despite the fact that they got swept, and the Eastern Conference was weak on that season, it was still impressive for a guy to lead his team of nobodies to the Finals. But Lebron took the easy way out for a chase of the championship.

I know what you're thinking.

Okay I also know that.

Yeah this one too.

Yes, yes, this led into a three-peat.

Okay, you're starting to push it.

Did I say no other picture was available? Anyways, Alright! I get your point!

This is just a reminder who are the back-2-back champs right now.

Okay, no individual can win a championship by himself. Its proven. Its tested. But if you come to think about it, these champions above didn't took the move Lebron took. If you want to compare Lebron-Wade-Bosh to these guys, then Lebron is the Pippen of Jordan, the Shaq of Wade, the Garnett/Allen of Pierce, the Pau of Bryant. Everything that hyped Lebron, all gone. Because he isn't the man on this Heat team, it's Wade. This is Wade's team. Lebron is bringing his talent to Miami to help, "to help", bring Miami a championship. He isn't the "King", "Chosen One", "Greatest Player in the League" or whatever they used to name him. If he wants a legacy of winning championships, then he can forget about it. He doesn't have a legacy anymore. He decided to go to the Heat to give himself an opportunity to win a championship. Even if he has 10 championships with this team, at the end of the day, this means nothing compared to what Magic, Bird, Jordan, and Kobe did.

These three will win a championship. THESE THREE. You can't individualize.

These three are still young. There were all superstars of their own team, made the playoffs, and led their team to the championship (except Bosh), but given some talented teammates, they could have gained a legacy. That is what Magic, Bird, Jordan, Kobe, and even Wade had. They had a legacy of leading a team to the championship. With Lebron, he could have stayed a few more years with the Cavs, giving at least one last push to bring a championship to Cleveland with him on the driver seat. Lebron is still way too young, way too talented, to instantly refer and looked for some help from his friends to win a championship. But he wants to win now, and who can blame him? But them winning because of him, it will never happen. Along the road, Lebron will take over games, will be the main reason why they won a game. But to win the championship, even if he becomes the Finals MVP, don't be ignorant that he is playing with Wade and Bosh. Every game they play will be like an All-Star game. But a three man act.

He may be the most payed, but they are still a three-headed dog.

So here it is. Truth be told, pressure is on them to win. Pressure is on them to prove they can win a championship instantly. I won't be surprise if they won. I won't get pissed if they won. As much as I'm a Laker fan, I'm also a NBA fan, I'm excited to see how this turns out. But if we look back at the once "King", then you could pretty much say that he has tarnished a once promising legacy. He acted cowardly, but made a bold "business" move to win a championship. He left the only home he knew, to a place where he knows a championship is a damn possibility, or you could already say, already an outcome. But you can stop comparing him to Kobe, stop talking about how he can be, or even be greater than Jordan. Because he will never be like Kobe or Jordan. Stats, athleticism, maybe you can still compare him to them. But a life in the NBA means winning championships. Yes, Jordan and Kobe had helped, HAD. Lebron? He became THE HELP to Wade. So to all Lebron fans, this is it. Lebron is about win his first championship. I could already see it now, Heat and the Lakers for the championship. But at the end of the day, Lebron was nothing but a hype.

Probably his 5 championships won't mean anything to just one of the championships Jordan or Kobe own.