Contemplating for the Board Exam

July 28, 2010.

4:15 PM

As I'm writing this, I only have four months and 12 days left until the December 2010 Philippine Nursing Licensure Examination. If you think about it, I still have enough time to study everything there is to study about Nursing. But there is just this scary feeling within me that I'm slowly running out of time. It's like the pressure is building up as hours and days passed by. My review has already started for two weeks running now. I still haven't reach a quarter of Phase 1, and I still need to go through Phase 2 and 3. I still have a lot of time to get a grip on myself, and yet there is this feeling that I won't be totally prepared on the big day. I don't know how I would end up getting ready for four months? How could I motivate myself to go to my at most limits? How could I push myself to pass the Board Exam? The plan of getting a high grade to top the board is even slipping my mind now. Thoughts of failing to get 50% of the correct answers is already occupying my mind. My mind is already teasing the idea that I may not do it. Me passing the Board Exam should be my destiny, let alone pass it with high marks. But I'm slowly crumbling right now, I'm afraid, I fear for the worst, it feels like it's coming. I don't know if I still have the confidence to believe in myself.

It was only eight hours ago that I took the post-test for our Fundamentals of Nursing in our review. It wasn't suppose to be as we were originally scheduled to have a lecture. Despite this change, we were already finished with our Fundamentals of Nursing lecture. Not everything was taught, but we were expected to know a lot of things already. We are BSN now, we graduated in nursing, we are bound to have known something already. I couldn't find a way yesterday to study a heavy topic in a span of six hours. I had to try, I did. I studied, but it felt like I still didn't study. My efforts to study wasn't enough, I wasn't able to study everything. It was already 1 in the morning, I had to sleep. As I woke up, I tried my best to cram out other aspects in Funda that I can study. I felt that I wasn't prepared as I went to the review center. This wasn't a graded exam. A graded exam back then in college didn't bother me because I knew that even if I fail it, I did well in the other aspects of the subject just enough to pass. But this is different. It's not graded, but it will measure if I learned something, or nothing at all.

I sat down on my chair, just keeping my brain relaxed until the exam started. As it was about to start, I went into a deep concentration. I answered the 1st questions nicely, I felt that I was doing good. I just had to focus and analyze well, and I know I will be able to choose the right answer. But as I went with the exam, I was getting less confident. I didn't knew that much about some stuff asked on the questions. I wasn't quite sure if I was choosing the right answers. I felt that it was hard when it shouldn't be. If I only knew, if I only knew about these topics, it could have been a breeze. No, my knowledge wasn't enough, but I went on. I didn't finish first, but I finished answering it all in my usual average speed, in contrast, is still quite fast. I was sort of confident with my answers. Multiple choice, you always think you picked the right answers. I took a break and played with my friend's PSP while waiting for everyone to finish. Despite my mind was busy playing, I was hoping that at least, without the proper preparation, I would still reach the 60% mark, or even the idea of just getting 50% would do. My aim was 70-80, my ok would be 60, my worst case scenario was 50. That was my condition I put to myself.

The lecturer that was suppose to give the rationalization arrived. I turned off the PSP, looking forward to know how I did for the post-test. As #1 started, I felt good that I got it. it was a no brainer. Then #2 came, I got it again. It looked good. But when my #3 was wrong, I slight feeling came into me. This is going to be a long rationalization. As the question items passed by, I have identified a lot of wrongs then right. The ratio was going 50%. My rights are 50% behind than my wrong. It didn't felt good. As I listened to the rationalization, I kept asking myself how the hell I goofed up a question. Why in the heck I chose this? Why did I chose to answer this? I didn't knew some of this stuff, that's why I got a wrong answer. I felt dumb, knowing that I only got 50% on the first 50 questions. 50 more to go, and I wasn't liking my chances anymore. As much as I have learned a lot in the rationalization, the idea that I got a lot of mistakes overtook my mind. When 10 items were already left, my percentage of correct answers have dropped to 40%. It was embarrassing already, I opted to continue counting my correct answers.

As my seatmates were counting how they did, I went into a deep realization and just said to myself, "I still have a lot of studying to do". Maybe it was a misfortune of getting the set of questions I didn't knew that much. Maybe everything I knew just didn't showed up in the exam. I know a lot, they just didn't show up. Maybe it was because I lacked sleep, my brain was dead tired. Or maybe my whole depressed love life affected me, i still had thoughts about her while I was answering the exams. All points are true, but all are bullshits. I don't know a lot. That's why I failed. It still was just like before, way back in college. I do bad in the exams. My average was getting 40-50%. My highest was always just 58-60%. My lowest was 30%, heck, I remembered I even got 20%. The difference? Back then it was graded, but like I said, other aspects in the subject got me a passing grade. I didn't study, never gave a lot of effort. Why would I? My student life was about having fun and just getting good grades. If I got good grades without giving that much effort in studying, then it's all good. Now? It's not graded. Just a proof that I will screw up in the board exam. Just a proof that studying is now more important than ever. This is for the board exam, this is all on me now. No other aspect will save me. It's all about getting the correct answers. Anyways, my seatmate got 65 items correct over 100. The other one got 62. One was pissed because he was aiming for a higher grade, one was just happy she passed. Both are smart people, but damn it I needed to be smart too if I want to pass the board exam.

I don't know how I will ever face that answer sheet of mine when it will be returned. I know it's a failure, but its already a reflection of what is inside my brain right now. And, it's not good and not that much. I went home reflecting on what I should do. Four months, 12 days, I'll have to read read, read, study, study, study. I know I'm a smart guy. I used to get 95% on my examinations back then. It used to pissed me off because I always aimed to be perfect. Gone are those days, but I need to be like that right now. I still have a lot of studying to do. I can still get up. I just have to make sure that I will know everything there is to know about nursing. That what ever questionnaire I answer, I would be able to answer it. With a clear focus and right analysis, I can find the correct answer among the choices. I must leave no room for error. I must be systematically able to get the correct answer. I must read my books by heart. The shortcuts the lecturers will teach won't be enough, I have to know everything behind those shortcuts. The Board Exam is four months away, but the pressure is on. To pass the board exam is my calling, to top it will be my destiny!!!

But for now, I must resume to my studying. This is no joke. I still got a lot of reading to do. What was suppose to be my "for a while" break has become four hours.

5:20 PM

It changes now.

It's make it or break it time.

May the Lord blessed me.

Let's do this.....:D

Hanging out with your Girl Friends

All of us have different type of friends. We hang out with different group of friends. You have your friends from home. Friends from school. Friends from other places. Categorizing them always to be different from one another. As a guy, you tend to have more guy friends. You hang-out with a group of guy friends. But along the way, you could practically say that you have girl friends, female friends. That you have a group of friends compose of all girls. It's essential that at least sometimes in your life, you need to hang out with them.

Last night, I went to a supposedly house party. One last party before review for the NLE starts. Though as much as I don't believe the idea that we won't have parties or drinking sessions during the span of reviewing, if I want to play my cards right, then this could probably be my last drink or party that I will attend before the review starts. The review composes of five months, so probably I'll have to wait that long to drink or party again. The plan was made two days earlier, and any guy who likes partying and drinking would commit given the right timing, reason and people who will attend. But as the day came (Friday), I was already feeling cautious of the idea that only few will come. Despite the number of people that were invited (C peeps and friends), I have this feeling that only few will come.

So there I was, just finished eating dinner, looking at the clock. Just 45 minutes away from 8PM. It was a cold night, I still haven't got enough sleep because I had an 11-7 duty earlier. But I made a commitment, and when Noel Yulo commits, only a certain reason can bail me out. I had no reason to bail. I had a few excuses made up in my mind, but I had no reason to bail. I asked and told some of my guy friends to come. One was coming because I was coming. My other guy friend was coming because I gave my word I would come. My one faggot guy friend couldn't come because he is sick (it actually surprises me he got sick). So I went, not knowing who will come, just giving my word to some people that "Noel Yulo will be coming".

I took a multicab ride to Ecoland. Went by the Convenience Store to buy Emperador (which would be my contribution for the night). With my hood on, I took a cold walk from there to Camuning St. As I saw my friend's house, I quickly notice some of my other female friends there. Honestly, I was already questioning myself of going there. Noel Yulo being there and Noel Yulo not being there wouldn't make a difference in their night. But this was my friends. As a guy, I really can't sometimes have a long discussion with them. But I had history with these friends of mine. I went inside my "House in Juna", greeted my friend's Ma and Pa, went to the backyard, sat down on the table, looking at my phone reading some textes, and then. Zoom.

Fast forward and I was already about to go home. My ate female friend and his boyfriend were about to go home. She lives in Dacoville, near Toril, so I can have a free ride and drop-off in Bangkal. My other female friend who lives in Gulf View also went with us (I think she was already tipsy). As I went inside my ate friend's car, I looked at the mirror and reflected on what happend on that night. I actually had a good time with my female friends. It wasn't the party I was hoping for, but there were drinks, foods, and we had some laughs. Sure, only 11 of us were there. My girl friends, my ate girl friend's boyfriend, some friends of my girl friends, and us three guys. If you knew us all personally, then you really couldn't imagine how we end up having that line-up, but yeah, it was still fun.

It wasn't the kind of drinking session where we went there to get wasted, get freaking drunk and go crazy. It was just any ordinary house drinking party. We ate junkfood, drank mixed vodka and just talked about anything. Although mostly my girl friends talked with one another and us three guys talking, we still shared one table. It was inevitable we wouldn't be drinking and having a good time together.

As we drove by our street, I went out from the car, gave my last goodbyes and proceed to take another cold walk to our house. I wasn't crazily drunk, nor was tipsy, but I was dead sleepy. I used the PC and net for a while, and then went to sleep. As I woke up, I received two text from my guy friend and girl friend from last night. They had a good time last night, and for me, it was nice. Because despite the fact that only few people came, despite the few reasons why that line-up even got together, we still managed to have a great time. Yes, I really did hope for a better party, wishing more people came. But whoever came last night, good for them. It didn't matter for me, I had a good evening with these guys, and I wouldn't mind doing it again. I guess what I'm trying to say that for a guy, it is also nice to hang out with your girl friends. Yes, in my situation, hanging out with them, I must tend to get a little less crazy, I'm practically quite with these guys. But as long as I can have good conversations with them, drink and eat with them, share a few Ken Salang joke's, then it was all good to me. The fact that all of us appreciate what happened last night is the main reason I'm typing this one out. It wasn't the night or party I was looking forward to, maybe also for them, probably it will be a while again until I hang out with my girl friends again, but hey, a party is still a party no matter how small........the number of people are.

Tarnished Legacy for a Championship

As you may have known by now, Lebron Raymone James has just signed a 5-year sign-and-trade contract with the Miami Heat. Yes, we are all witnesses of the day Lebron tarnished his Legacy.

....of "The Betrayal".

Before all this animosity happened, Lebron was just like your ordinary NBA "Superstar" player. He was in his last year with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He just became a back-2-back NBA Season MVP. He led his team to an impressive 61-21 record, a NBA best, securing them home-court advantage throughout the 2010 Playoffs. This was their championship season. The Cavs bulldoze their way against the Bulls. Everything looked good, until they met this three again.

No picture was available. And no, I don't hate them.

The only difference was that this three are a little older now compared to when they last met in the 2008 Playoffs. So what could possible could go wrong right? The Cavs took Game 1, setting up what could be the last series for this Celtics. Instead, the Celtics humiliate the Cavs on their own home floor with an 104-86 win in Game 2. Yeah, Cleveland took back Game 3 in a 124-95 win, but that was already the last win the Lebron Cavs would take. Boston took the next three games, and well, you know the story. But the big story was really about Game 5, on how Lebron chose not to fight back this old nagging Big Three. He didn't deliver what he was suppose to deliver. The King bowed down, and off he went to the Biggest Free-Agent Market in NBA History. And if I am not mistaken, the NBA named this "Decision 2010". When did the free-agency had a name of such. Never, because Lebron made this bigger.

His got to look good.

Players become free agents on July 1. So when the clock struck 12:01 AM, the whole Free-Agent Market went into a frenzy. James was courted by several teams, most prominently by the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, Miami Heat, Chicago Bulls, Los Angeles Clippers, as well as his hometown, the Cleveland Cavaliers. Even before the 2009-2010 season begun, teams were already preparing for the 2010 Free-Agency, sacrificing their season to catch the biggest free-agent there is. Saving money for the most expensive jewelry in the NBA box. Different gimmicks, names were used just to lure James away from the suburbs of Ohio. No one had an idea where he will go. New York was the front-runner. At that time, it seemed New York will be getting Bron-bron. But who will he play with? Can he even win a championship there? Outside the basketball sense, Lebron will do good in New York. Bright lights, big city, Lebron would go global. But as the season went by, Lebron chose to shut his mouth to where he wanted to go, only stating that July 1 of 2010 will be a big one. And so it did. Outside New York, teams popped-out, taking their shot to the elusive Lebron James. Expensive dinner dates with team owners, long-day discussions and assurance that money wasn't a problem. They gave Lebron a reason to play with them, they showed Lebron who he can play with, they gave Lebron the confidence he can win a championship on their team. Everyone was guessing where we would end up with. The leads for the front-runner team was changing. But all of this, one thing stands with them all. Lebron has the attention of everyone. Even during the Finals, Lebron stole the show by talking again about the big free agency. As much as great is his talent, also can be said to his ego. He wanted the attention. This was the King with no championship, but all be damn, he wants the attention, and he got it. But set aside the big Lebron chase, was the fact that what made this free-agency more bigger, was because of the other players that were available. I won't get to the context of naming them all, but just the next two, D-Wade, and C-Bosh.

The other big baits.

So with these three around, with no assured teams to sign, they made news all around the world. Chris Bosh, as a lot of people expected, wanted to be out of Toronto. Dwayne Wade, as much as Chicago wanted to take the Chi-town native, was still committed to the Heat organization. The three were having a chess game, waiting for the other to make a move. With talks of the possibility that this three can play together, the possibilities just became endless. Other players such as Paul Pierce and Dirk Nowitzki already re-signed with their respective teams. While Amare Stoudamire and Carlos Boozer already signed with the Knicks and the Bulls, respectively. But the Big Free Agents still yet to decide. But to cut all the crap, Bosh signed with the Heat to form a two-man combo with Wade. Now, everyone was looking at "The King". July 8 (9 here in the Philippines) was the date. ESPN was the channel to watch. Some Boys and Girls foundation were to be used as Lebron's props. This was the day Lebron has waited for. And suddenly, he utter these words: "This fall I am taking my talents to South Beach and play with the Miami Heat. The major factor was the best opportunity for me to win, to win now and for the future also. Winning is the most important thing for me. I feel like this is going to be the best opportunity."

Check....

....and mate.

All across the globe, millions of people instantly became a Heat bandwaggon fan. The possibility, just became possible. It shook the NBA as a whole. Teams, executives, coaches, and players were all stunned with the news. Different reactions came across every NBA or basketball fan. This is the team to beat. This is the team for the ages. Championship Contender, heck the Championship is already being prepared for the Heat. The new Big Three has arrived.

Younger, leaner and less green.

And so the basketball frenzy for the new Heat has arrived. Despite this, the Heat has still a lot of things to do, like for example, I don't know, fill-up the rest 11 slots? Yep, the Heat has a lot of things to do to support this "Superstar Trio". They gave up a lot of players, not resigning them, and trading players to have enough money to cash in the three. So it's a big responsibility of the Heat organization to deliver what is necessary to get the championship. But beyond this, Lebron also did what only a cruel man can do. Leave a beloved for the sake of "Business".

It sucks that they can just burn NBA jerseys. I'm so poor I cant buy one and I want one.

Lebron left the Cleveland Cavaliers to chase a championship. He left everyone in Cleveland with broken hearts. The people that became "Witnesses", supported the "Chosen One" when he stepped in the NBA. The people that looked at him as a god, worshiped him, consider him as the savior of Cleveland, all has their heads bowed down. Because their King betrayed them, their King left them. Because he was no king in the first place. He was no savior. He wasn't some alpha dog "best player in the league" guy. He only showed that he can't win a championship in Cleveland, he needs his buddy Wade and Bosh. And from there, Lebron tarnished his legacy.Truth be told he could have been all those things.

And yet here we are Lebron, and yet here we are.

Despite being a Kobe fan, I'm also Lebron fan. I could still remember just a couple of months ago, playing some tune-up game. I made a strong power dribble, took two big steps going to the rim, with a defender in sight, I adjusted my lay-up and the ball went in despite with contact. And then I said to myself, I played like Lebron, because the time I made the dribble, I had Lebron's mentality to attack the rim. I'm not that great in basketball, but I can say I can pull-off moves based on the players I idolozed. And Lebron is no exception. I have said a lot of times that Lebron is too good not to win a championship. Only during his 4th season, he took his team to the NBA Finals. Despite the fact that they got swept, and the Eastern Conference was weak on that season, it was still impressive for a guy to lead his team of nobodies to the Finals. But Lebron took the easy way out for a chase of the championship.

I know what you're thinking.

Okay I also know that.

Yeah this one too.

Yes, yes, this led into a three-peat.

Okay, you're starting to push it.

Did I say no other picture was available? Anyways, Alright! I get your point!

This is just a reminder who are the back-2-back champs right now.

Okay, no individual can win a championship by himself. Its proven. Its tested. But if you come to think about it, these champions above didn't took the move Lebron took. If you want to compare Lebron-Wade-Bosh to these guys, then Lebron is the Pippen of Jordan, the Shaq of Wade, the Garnett/Allen of Pierce, the Pau of Bryant. Everything that hyped Lebron, all gone. Because he isn't the man on this Heat team, it's Wade. This is Wade's team. Lebron is bringing his talent to Miami to help, "to help", bring Miami a championship. He isn't the "King", "Chosen One", "Greatest Player in the League" or whatever they used to name him. If he wants a legacy of winning championships, then he can forget about it. He doesn't have a legacy anymore. He decided to go to the Heat to give himself an opportunity to win a championship. Even if he has 10 championships with this team, at the end of the day, this means nothing compared to what Magic, Bird, Jordan, and Kobe did.

These three will win a championship. THESE THREE. You can't individualize.

These three are still young. There were all superstars of their own team, made the playoffs, and led their team to the championship (except Bosh), but given some talented teammates, they could have gained a legacy. That is what Magic, Bird, Jordan, Kobe, and even Wade had. They had a legacy of leading a team to the championship. With Lebron, he could have stayed a few more years with the Cavs, giving at least one last push to bring a championship to Cleveland with him on the driver seat. Lebron is still way too young, way too talented, to instantly refer and looked for some help from his friends to win a championship. But he wants to win now, and who can blame him? But them winning because of him, it will never happen. Along the road, Lebron will take over games, will be the main reason why they won a game. But to win the championship, even if he becomes the Finals MVP, don't be ignorant that he is playing with Wade and Bosh. Every game they play will be like an All-Star game. But a three man act.

He may be the most payed, but they are still a three-headed dog.

So here it is. Truth be told, pressure is on them to win. Pressure is on them to prove they can win a championship instantly. I won't be surprise if they won. I won't get pissed if they won. As much as I'm a Laker fan, I'm also a NBA fan, I'm excited to see how this turns out. But if we look back at the once "King", then you could pretty much say that he has tarnished a once promising legacy. He acted cowardly, but made a bold "business" move to win a championship. He left the only home he knew, to a place where he knows a championship is a damn possibility, or you could already say, already an outcome. But you can stop comparing him to Kobe, stop talking about how he can be, or even be greater than Jordan. Because he will never be like Kobe or Jordan. Stats, athleticism, maybe you can still compare him to them. But a life in the NBA means winning championships. Yes, Jordan and Kobe had helped, HAD. Lebron? He became THE HELP to Wade. So to all Lebron fans, this is it. Lebron is about win his first championship. I could already see it now, Heat and the Lakers for the championship. But at the end of the day, Lebron was nothing but a hype.

Probably his 5 championships won't mean anything to just one of the championships Jordan or Kobe own.

3 Wasted Months for the price of 1

You know, I still cling to that very moment where I had the opportunity to finish my DR cases way back in March. I could still feel those two days back to back wherein there is no soul that was going to take that schedule away from me. No soul wrestling with me to get that slot. I needed two cases at that time, six if you don't count the "on-calls". But yes, I thought my on-calls will be fine, I needed two, period. I needed just one DMC sched. March 16, 11-7. That's all I signed up for. It was sad that on that day was a big batch pre-grad party. I forgot, I should have signed for the March 17 sched. It was my only regret on that time. Now, boy, I regret I didn't signed for both when I had the chance. But it was nothing, at that time my duty ended, I knew that I have completed my DR cases. Graduation came, and after that, I wouldn't have thought that the next three months would become a grueling physical and mental slugfest. It's 11 PM as I have typed this entry. I realized that three months already has passed. A lot of things happened. I completed my OR cases, which was good. I started earlier than my other batchmates in preparing the necessary files for the PRC NLE. My plans for completing my cases before June was almost reachable. But one stagnant thing that left me when I think about those three months, is the fact that I tried to get a DMC DR sched, and I payed a price too much for such. With all my efforts, all I got was one. And it's going to be tomorrow, 11-7. And it still sucks. Tomorrow is kinda late. And with all those DMC sched that came by, I should have been sched there. To all those promises that we will get prioritize, all gone when they changed the rules of whoever-is-at-school-at-the-time-the-sched-is-open-is-the-only-person-that-will-get-it. I don't know, I'm losing some sense. It's just that yeah, I got a sched, but I'm not to psych about it. So much time was already wasted. I have lost all desire. Heck, I used to have the desire to hate the persons that made my life a living hell. But I'll let it be. This whole post subjects to nothing, but just a sheer remembrance for me. Three months have passed, different events have transpired that pissed me of so much I don't have the sanity to discuss them. It's just unbelievable how three months were wasted just for asking for one puny DMC DR sched. How much energy was drained from me. This whole DR scenario has taken it's toll on me. I could have ended it all, but three months were already wasted. I got a sched, I got what I asked, from six all I need now is three. It better be worth for those three months. Its just got to be.