Ending Love Month Loveless

February + the idea of love = $_$

Marketing. For me it is the entire focal point for the month of February. It is the marketing ploy of every business to try and sell the idea of love. You don't need to sell it, love is something that must be showed every day. Or maybe I'm just bitter. Maybe I'm just too clouded to appreciate the month of love. Truth is, February can do a lot of things especially on February 14. Couples go out on dates, strengthen the relationship that they have and for some, rekindle their lost magic. As much as I am a bit scrooge on this month, I have to say, it is indeed the month of love. What a hypocrite.

Today, February 29 shows that we actually are in a leap year. It'll be another four years 'till the next one. And while I don't really care about the leap year that much, today still marks the last day for the month of love. As usual, I end it like any other previous February, loveless. I try not to show to the world that I am bitter on this month. Circumstances dictates that I go solo for this month. No flowers to give. No chocolates to buy. No dates to plan. I just do stuff on my own. But once in a while I get to think how my life would be if I was like any other person who goes along the marketing ploy for this month. Giving someone a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates and having a romantic dinner. I've imagined those for so many times, quite frankly have tried those but just never to the point where I get to do that on a month of February.

I can remember my first February in which I was in love with someone. It was 4th Year high, February 14, 2006. Everyone was busy getting the love aura spread across the school. Guys were preparing their gifts while girls were giggly on what they might receive. I came in to school not knowing if I'll give the girl I like a flower or not. Note I was a fat kid then and she is a beautiful girl in a high school setting plus I had small confidence, you do the math. Basically I chickened out. My two friends were telling me I should have given her something and if I don't do something before my day ends, I'll forever regret it. I ended the day and up to this point I don't regret it perse, but I can only imagine if I only did. What could have happen to me on that day? What would I be today?

College came and pretty much Valentine's sure went up to another level. At that point in my life, on two separate February 14s I did the unthinkable. February 14, 2008, I gave the girl I like at that time a letter and a rose. February 14, 2010, I did the same to a different girl. Both were two different paths, but the same outcome, I didn't end up with any of them. There out probably with their rich boyfriends right now. Looking back on those instances, I might have not handled it correctly. Despite I was going for the hottest girl in the class, I just didn't handle it correctly. Or maybe I was too ambitious. Either way, I simply lack the skills and the correct moves to make the girl fall for me.

So maybe there were times where I wasn't completely loveless on a month of February, but if you check the long-term effect, I still pretty much ended up loveless. I guess I never learned to appreciate the month of love is because I've been a failure on my previous crusades to be in a relationship with a girl. I was once a very romantic-minded person but those heart-ripping rejections might have provided a sour taste in my tongue. Despite the truth that businesses do take advantage on this month, it is still the month of love. I'm just one of those cases that never really got a break on heartbreaks. But remembering those previous February s, you know what, I was in-love during those times. I wouldn't end up writing those poems or having the courage to give those flowers if it wasn't for the month of love. The fact that I chose February 14 as the day I will show my love to those girls meant that for me, February was the month of love. Even if I would still rant about how this month of February is just another month for marketing love next year, I still believe that this month will mean more than that. This month had a meaning for me before, I know it will have another meaning again. And that is to celebrate unconditional genuine love.

Damn right.

Picking Up The Pieces

Trying to fit the pieces again...

There are times that in my young age I think I have figured out life already. In truth, I still got a long ways to go. I don't even know what to do or what to say, I guess despite the times I say I am tired, I still have the urge to live with my life. Sometimes, I feel like I found the solutions to my problems in life but all of a sudden everything turns into a train wreck again. Nevertheless, I'm a fighter through and through. I never give up easily. But I'm just human, I get tired, I fall into weakness, I fall flat in the face of adversary at times. When I look at it on a positive note, despite all the hardships in life I've went through, I'm still alive. God still has kept me alive for some reason. I guess I just don't look at it that way that maybe I do have a greater purpose in life. But I don't know, I'm just human, I can be forgetful in nature.

When your 21 years old and mature for your age (I think I am), you tend to think a lot. And when you think a lot, more or so your life gets problematic. I'm just never contented with the things I have. I always want more than what others have. I want to have greater satisfaction in life than what others get. If I think I can get something even if its too much for me, I'll do my damn best to get it. But whenever I do that, I sometimes go out in control. I lose my grip in life and I just end up messing it up. I keep on chasing things I don't know if I can grab and hold on. A lot of people tell me to slow down, chill, I'm too young to chase on bigger dreams. But I say screw that, I feel like there's no problem trying to hit the big time in a young age. But I think I understand why people around me tell this, because when they look at me or hear my story, they see that I have overworked myself. It has stress me out and they see me unhealthy already. Guess I was too much for my own good, maybe I need to slow down in life and just let time pass by.

My life is filled with gap holes that I want to fill-in. The more holes I have the more its sucking the life out of me. In a sense I shouldn't have this much problems in my life if I just know how to run it. I know the right things to do in life but I never do them. I just don't. I can give advices to people but apparently I can't advise myself to live life properly. Sometimes I want to hit myself in the head so hard it will give me an awakening, a second life of sorts. I keep on using the problems as an excuse to have self pity. Problems come and go, point is I can get over them. Jesus is bigger than any problem but I just can't put that fact in my head. Checking my recent post here, all I talk about is how I'm drowned with problems. I'm getting tired and sick of it that sometimes I just wish I can get out of this hump and just be happy in life. I'd say to myself that "It ain't easy", but a voice inside tells me that actually, it is.

My heart is a dark forest. Need to shed some light in it.

I call myself Deadman Walking, Epitome of Bad-Assery and Greatness Personified. Despite the cool names, I seem to cannot live by the creed those three split personalities have. I'm hypocrite to even call it my personalities because I seem to cannot be those personalities at all times. I feel like I just created characters with such unique personalities. These three is suppose to be me and I guess I should start being them at all times. I need to pick up myself, pick the pieces of my life and start fitting them into pieces. I know that I feel like a broken record when I say this, but I'm on a position to start a new. I just ended an ill-fated relationship, I'm about to get a new job position, the hostility in my environment have slowly calm down. This is the chance that I should take advantage with. I don't think I'll ever be that happy-go-lucky Noel Yulo, but the best I can do is be that simply happy Noel Yulo. I need to give myself a second coming, or third, or fourth. I don't know how many times I've tried to rebuild myself but I guess if its another go around, then its fine by me.

If someone is reading this right now that is having the same issue with me, well, all I can to you is that live up, be strong. I guess I'm not in the right position to say this, but all we can do in times like this is to pick up the pieces in our life, fit it in and go on with life. I believe in new beginnings and it doesn't matter how many times you start anew, you always find a way to be happy in life. If problems get you down, as much as you want to drown yourself in self-pity, shrug it off and rise above it. I got to stop being miserable in life. I know thinking a lot makes life more problematic, but I guess I just need to think on what I can do more to be happy in life. My life is a huge puzzle and the pieces are all over the floor. Its gonna take time to pick them up and fit them again, but hey, I can start on the sides and hopefully, slowly but surely, I'll finish fitting it all and see the clear picture on this puzzle of life.