Life in Poetry: Soulmate

It's been a while since the last time I blogged. I've been busy for the past months, almost the entire year. As much as I wanted to write again, work got in the way and alcohol consumed my weekends so writing really got off my priority list. For the past few years, every time I would decide to write something on December 31st, it is usually about a girl that I fell in love with, that I tried to court and then for some reason broke my heart. Well, today is that day again and it's no exception.  While I like to believe that I am not as emotional or sappy as before, its almost like a tradition for me to take a seat on the last day of the year and reflect on that one person that made my heart skip a beat. But unlike the previous times, I'm not that sad, I'm not that depress. More or so, I'm mature already when it comes to these things. What doesn't change though is the genuine and sincere love that I always show. 

I met this girl a few months ago at work. Got to see a glimpse of her for numerous occasions and I always found her aura so alluring. Until one day I finally got to know her name and did my very best to find a way to meet her. It was a cold night. I went outside our workplace for a while to withdraw money in the ATM. On my way back, I saw a figure standing on a street lamp around the parking lot. For some reason I was palpitating. As I slowly approach that figure, it was that girl. I approached her with a calm demeanor, we talked a little. It was starting to rain so we step aside on a covered area and then we exchanged numbers. We separated ways after that. During that time she was having some ups and downs with her boyfriend. Until such time came when I asked her to go out and she agreed. On our very first date, everything went so well. For the first time in my life I had an awesome time with a girl. Better and greater than the previous times I've been with a girl. Probably the best. Since then a lot of things happened but to cut it short, she still had a hang-up with her ex, or BF, whatever. So, I had no place in her heart and me and her never got to be together. 

Looking back, if there is one thing that can highlight the relationship between the two of us, it's the similarities that we have. Tons of similarities. To the point the she even mentioned that we might be soulmates. So many that I think it freaked her out. Now, I never really believed in soulmates before. But I don't know, with her, everything just seemed right. It is unusual but with the similarities that we have, its really perfect fit that maybe she is my soulmate. She got back with her boyfriend, I went away, but she never went away my mind. I always think about her everyday. With 2013 coming, I don't know what's in store for me. All I know is that for 2012, I met the girl that is probably, or I would like to believe is my soulmate. I'm not quite sure, I don't know. Whatever the case maybe, she will always be special in my heart. So I dedicate this poem to a very special girl by the name of Claudine Gin Young Libre. Wherever you are Claud, I'll always love you...

Soulmate

by: Noel Yulo

I never really believe in soulmates before

They said its true but facts I wanted more

A particular soul that will be with you forever

I shunned the idea but the thought was clever

If someone is meant for you than that's that

If not than accept that as a simple fact

No need to make anything spiritual about it

You might fail in searching and that'll be sad

But if its indeed true then how will you know

If you are feeling funny is it 100% sure?

I wanted to know because I don't know if this is it

Met this girl and suddenly there's a struggle on my beliefs

I look into her eyes and I see something great

Her eyes was something big like an endless space

Beautiful stars align when I stare at them

As if it meant something beyond this realm

We have too many similarities it's actually crazy

I would like to say coincidences but its really freaky

But other than that the simply fact is I love this girl

Not the first love but the first love of my soul

I grind my teeth because I don't want to over think

But it's just something about her that makes me cringe

She is so beautiful as if its a summer's day

 My eyes simply refuse too look away

Her attitude is not perfect but unique as it comes

When I'm around her life is simply joyful and fun

Things may have not work out initially with her

But it seemed that whatever happened didn't matter

She is my soulmate and forever we will be linked

I don't know how the future goes but I'm excited for it

So if you'll ask me if I believe in soulmates 

Well I actually did, when I met Claudine Libre

My only pic of her. Forever a treasure. :)

Ending Love Month Loveless

February + the idea of love = $_$

Marketing. For me it is the entire focal point for the month of February. It is the marketing ploy of every business to try and sell the idea of love. You don't need to sell it, love is something that must be showed every day. Or maybe I'm just bitter. Maybe I'm just too clouded to appreciate the month of love. Truth is, February can do a lot of things especially on February 14. Couples go out on dates, strengthen the relationship that they have and for some, rekindle their lost magic. As much as I am a bit scrooge on this month, I have to say, it is indeed the month of love. What a hypocrite.

Today, February 29 shows that we actually are in a leap year. It'll be another four years 'till the next one. And while I don't really care about the leap year that much, today still marks the last day for the month of love. As usual, I end it like any other previous February, loveless. I try not to show to the world that I am bitter on this month. Circumstances dictates that I go solo for this month. No flowers to give. No chocolates to buy. No dates to plan. I just do stuff on my own. But once in a while I get to think how my life would be if I was like any other person who goes along the marketing ploy for this month. Giving someone a bouquet of flowers, a box of chocolates and having a romantic dinner. I've imagined those for so many times, quite frankly have tried those but just never to the point where I get to do that on a month of February.

I can remember my first February in which I was in love with someone. It was 4th Year high, February 14, 2006. Everyone was busy getting the love aura spread across the school. Guys were preparing their gifts while girls were giggly on what they might receive. I came in to school not knowing if I'll give the girl I like a flower or not. Note I was a fat kid then and she is a beautiful girl in a high school setting plus I had small confidence, you do the math. Basically I chickened out. My two friends were telling me I should have given her something and if I don't do something before my day ends, I'll forever regret it. I ended the day and up to this point I don't regret it perse, but I can only imagine if I only did. What could have happen to me on that day? What would I be today?

College came and pretty much Valentine's sure went up to another level. At that point in my life, on two separate February 14s I did the unthinkable. February 14, 2008, I gave the girl I like at that time a letter and a rose. February 14, 2010, I did the same to a different girl. Both were two different paths, but the same outcome, I didn't end up with any of them. There out probably with their rich boyfriends right now. Looking back on those instances, I might have not handled it correctly. Despite I was going for the hottest girl in the class, I just didn't handle it correctly. Or maybe I was too ambitious. Either way, I simply lack the skills and the correct moves to make the girl fall for me.

So maybe there were times where I wasn't completely loveless on a month of February, but if you check the long-term effect, I still pretty much ended up loveless. I guess I never learned to appreciate the month of love is because I've been a failure on my previous crusades to be in a relationship with a girl. I was once a very romantic-minded person but those heart-ripping rejections might have provided a sour taste in my tongue. Despite the truth that businesses do take advantage on this month, it is still the month of love. I'm just one of those cases that never really got a break on heartbreaks. But remembering those previous February s, you know what, I was in-love during those times. I wouldn't end up writing those poems or having the courage to give those flowers if it wasn't for the month of love. The fact that I chose February 14 as the day I will show my love to those girls meant that for me, February was the month of love. Even if I would still rant about how this month of February is just another month for marketing love next year, I still believe that this month will mean more than that. This month had a meaning for me before, I know it will have another meaning again. And that is to celebrate unconditional genuine love.

Damn right.

Picking Up The Pieces

Trying to fit the pieces again...

There are times that in my young age I think I have figured out life already. In truth, I still got a long ways to go. I don't even know what to do or what to say, I guess despite the times I say I am tired, I still have the urge to live with my life. Sometimes, I feel like I found the solutions to my problems in life but all of a sudden everything turns into a train wreck again. Nevertheless, I'm a fighter through and through. I never give up easily. But I'm just human, I get tired, I fall into weakness, I fall flat in the face of adversary at times. When I look at it on a positive note, despite all the hardships in life I've went through, I'm still alive. God still has kept me alive for some reason. I guess I just don't look at it that way that maybe I do have a greater purpose in life. But I don't know, I'm just human, I can be forgetful in nature.

When your 21 years old and mature for your age (I think I am), you tend to think a lot. And when you think a lot, more or so your life gets problematic. I'm just never contented with the things I have. I always want more than what others have. I want to have greater satisfaction in life than what others get. If I think I can get something even if its too much for me, I'll do my damn best to get it. But whenever I do that, I sometimes go out in control. I lose my grip in life and I just end up messing it up. I keep on chasing things I don't know if I can grab and hold on. A lot of people tell me to slow down, chill, I'm too young to chase on bigger dreams. But I say screw that, I feel like there's no problem trying to hit the big time in a young age. But I think I understand why people around me tell this, because when they look at me or hear my story, they see that I have overworked myself. It has stress me out and they see me unhealthy already. Guess I was too much for my own good, maybe I need to slow down in life and just let time pass by.

My life is filled with gap holes that I want to fill-in. The more holes I have the more its sucking the life out of me. In a sense I shouldn't have this much problems in my life if I just know how to run it. I know the right things to do in life but I never do them. I just don't. I can give advices to people but apparently I can't advise myself to live life properly. Sometimes I want to hit myself in the head so hard it will give me an awakening, a second life of sorts. I keep on using the problems as an excuse to have self pity. Problems come and go, point is I can get over them. Jesus is bigger than any problem but I just can't put that fact in my head. Checking my recent post here, all I talk about is how I'm drowned with problems. I'm getting tired and sick of it that sometimes I just wish I can get out of this hump and just be happy in life. I'd say to myself that "It ain't easy", but a voice inside tells me that actually, it is.

My heart is a dark forest. Need to shed some light in it.

I call myself Deadman Walking, Epitome of Bad-Assery and Greatness Personified. Despite the cool names, I seem to cannot live by the creed those three split personalities have. I'm hypocrite to even call it my personalities because I seem to cannot be those personalities at all times. I feel like I just created characters with such unique personalities. These three is suppose to be me and I guess I should start being them at all times. I need to pick up myself, pick the pieces of my life and start fitting them into pieces. I know that I feel like a broken record when I say this, but I'm on a position to start a new. I just ended an ill-fated relationship, I'm about to get a new job position, the hostility in my environment have slowly calm down. This is the chance that I should take advantage with. I don't think I'll ever be that happy-go-lucky Noel Yulo, but the best I can do is be that simply happy Noel Yulo. I need to give myself a second coming, or third, or fourth. I don't know how many times I've tried to rebuild myself but I guess if its another go around, then its fine by me.

If someone is reading this right now that is having the same issue with me, well, all I can to you is that live up, be strong. I guess I'm not in the right position to say this, but all we can do in times like this is to pick up the pieces in our life, fit it in and go on with life. I believe in new beginnings and it doesn't matter how many times you start anew, you always find a way to be happy in life. If problems get you down, as much as you want to drown yourself in self-pity, shrug it off and rise above it. I got to stop being miserable in life. I know thinking a lot makes life more problematic, but I guess I just need to think on what I can do more to be happy in life. My life is a huge puzzle and the pieces are all over the floor. Its gonna take time to pick them up and fit them again, but hey, I can start on the sides and hopefully, slowly but surely, I'll finish fitting it all and see the clear picture on this puzzle of life.

The Recipe for Madness

Sanity is almost flushing out...

Everyday that I walk on this Earth, I go through a lot of emotions. There are days when I am happy and contented, most days I'm dark and gloomy and occasionally I'm crazy as I can be. There are a lot of certain factors that can affect me, it could be my family, friends, work, or life in general. But its given that you really have to face with different moods everyday, this what gives life to your...well, life. Every day is unique and special for you. But lately I have been going through something that I feel like I have never experienced before. It's like drinking a mixture of different alcohols, then you drink it you feel like you just drank a chemical of sorts and its giving you a funny feeling, but in a bad way. I've always been geared on solving my own problems and dilemmas in life, but right now I feel like I'm just a ticking time bomb ready to explode. An as much as I want to say that I'm okay, I can't really hide the fact that I'm not. I'm going through changes and it feels like I'm losing control of myself. It took me some time to realize that I guess, I'm just going through a mixture of bad luck all rolled up together. Taking a gut check, I feel like I'm going mad, mad I tell you. A break or a vacation won't even solve what I'm going through right now. I think death alone won't be the salvation of the madness I'm having right now. You may think I'm exaggerating things, and I think the same way too. I'm just acknowledging the facts that have been bothering me, and these are what I would say the recipe of my madness...

1.) Being burned-out in life

At least a match turns to dust when burned-out. I still need to keep on living.

I feel like a broken record sometimes when I say the reason why I feel like burned-out with life despite my young age (I always say I'm burned-out a lot). You see, after graduating in college on March 2010, I was able to get only a week of rest then after that I was back being busy in life again. Note that while others were going through vacation, I was going back to my school everyday trying to get schedules for hospital duty (I graduated as a nurse and needed cases as a Board Exam requirement). If you read my past blog post in 2010, you'll get to read one of my misadventures and you'll know that it can be frustrating, hell to be exact trying to get a completion. Anyways, I was able to complete my cases, but I had an upcoming review for the board exam. I completed my cases just a mere weekend before 1st day of review classes started, so apparently I was never able to get the rest I needed. The review was very long (and again, you can read my misadventures in my 2010 archives) and in ways it wasn't as stressful as I've expected it to be, but I still got a lot of those days where my brain just get chucked out. The span of my review was like a semester in college. Pretty much it was dragging. Took the board exam and then had to wait for the results. While everyone again was going through their vacation while waiting, I was out scheming on how to get job immediately and earn money. Got a job in a very stressful work place, been there for a year and pretty much you get the juice of the story. I NEVER GOT A FUCKING BREAK. I just went on and one with my life like a rapid train. I was on fire alright, being Mr. Look-at-me-I-am-earning-let-me-treat-you, the guy that keeps on buying expensive stuff and looked what happened, never took a break and I got burned-out.

2.) Setting-up a good career

This is me everyday in a call center. Tired and tired.

What more can I say. Working in a call center is not a walk in a park. Sure, you just sit in front of a computer, talk to someone over your headset and try to assist them whatever you're suppose to assist them with, but still, its not easy as it seems. You are awake at night, and pretty much your body still knows you sleep at night so its always a challenge to drag yourself at work despite doing it five times a week. You talk to irate members who feel like they are superior because they are the "customers". You have stats and bosses to deal with. This is a career I don't really plan to continue, but this is the career I started. I won't go into any details why I went to work in a call center but point is, as the first step of my career as a working adult, pretty much it has taken its toll on me. There are a lot of reason why I stayed, but mainly because despite the stressful working environment, I was having fun. I was meeting new people, making new friends, have a great time with my teammates, and I was earning great, so it felt like it was worth it to stay. But when you take those factors out, when you take the fun out, it just ends up as a job for you. Job are suppose to be fun, and when you're having fun, you stay. If its a job, then go find elsewhere to earn and have fun. Simple equation. I know that I'm a good agent, I can be great on this field, but I guess its just not my thing anymore. I've outgrown it, and the way our account is going, I don't really plan to keep on staying (We need to sell now). And for all those times I was up for promotion, fuck it, my talents were just wasted. I believe in paying dues, but come on, I was performing on a great level every single night at work. Thing is, I just want to get out, and as much as I'll be free, looking for the next job is a daunting task. You see why its complicated for me? I'm leaving a stressful, but an already good paying job for an unstable future. I'm stuck with a dilemma and I alone have to face it. In my age I'm still suppose to be at school, but I'm facing middle-age problems, go figure the math and I hope you get the outcome. Point is, I want to grow as a person, but I need to make sure the next job will be fulfilling, both personally and economically for me.

3.) Heartache

Wherever you are, you are slowly killing me...but I still love you.

Imagine falling in love with someone. Everything is going well. You're taking things slowly. Everything is going through its natural flow. And then all of a sudden that someone suddenly disappears. That someone needed the time to be alone. You get confused, you want to know why, want to know where you will position yourself, you don't get an answer, but you just try to understand. You miss that someone, you keep trying to be in touch, but you just get ignored. You get annoying, and in a way is pissing off that someone, but you apologize but still show affection. Months, weeks passed, that someone never tried to reach out with you anymore. You sit alone to wait, stuck, don't know what to do, singing "Should I give up of just keep on chasing pavements?" Pretty much that's what's going on with my love life right now. Don't get me wrong, having a heartache is not simply being heartbroken. Its something much larger than that. I just want to clarify things, I just want to break free to the chains that bind me to be emotionally free. I don't want to go into details, but this whole scenario has been eating me up inside. And probably the main factor of me turning mad. I just can't focus with my life that much because of this heartache. #1 and 2 reasons I can handle with great focus, but this one, I don't know. I used to have a lot of theories about love, create explanation on how to fix things, but this one got me all silenced up.

..........

With the power of God, I know I can overcome this madness I'm going through. I just need to take things in a step by step process. Take this one dilemma or problem at a time. But I have to acknowledge that I am going through changes, and in the future I know that there will be a point where I will get to drink a mixture of toxic again, maybe the same ingredients or probably new ones. I'm glad in a way that I am still able to keep my sanity through all of this. Everything is affected in my life, every aspect of it. I need to work on this. I've been through a lot of challenges in life, but I guess I'm up to something that whatever the tomorrow it may bring I cannot really foretell, and that is overcoming madness. I'm in a long haul. In a long stretch, I hope I can make it. I hope I can fix this. But trying to seems to be already turning me mad, mad, mad I tell you.

REBIRTH. 2012.

I guess its about time...

21 years. 21 years I've done nothing but be the best son, friend, classmate, employee, heck, a lover that I can be. And for those 21 years, while I got my props from time to time, still don't get the respect I deserve, still don't get the admiration I deserve, still don't get the appreciation that I deserve. And while I try not to be a very important person that much, I just want to be known for something, and that is being the best guy around. I've always made sure that I can be a guy you can count on, someone you would admire for his feats and efforts that I've done. But no. My life was never the sun over the rainbow sort to speak, it has always been a tough life for me. I still get to eat three times a day, get to sleep in a bed, have what you wold call a decent life, but for me, I've always had to go through a life taking shit after shit after shit all the time. I know I shouldn't be complaining, there are more people out there having a worst life than me, but this is my life, I'm selfish in nature, I think I have the worst life in the world.

But I know that I shouldn't be thinking this way. I know that I must do something about it. For the past months I've been thinking of changing my style. Changing the way I live my life. I want to do it in a dramatic manner. And with the new year looming, I thought of repackaging myself for the new year. I rebirth sort to speak. That's why I vowed that the time 2012 comes, there will be a rebirth. It's sort of a new year's resolution, but something I will have to live by for the rest of my life. I've always been that quiet, kind guy but in all honesty, guys like that don't get the respect they deserve. No one gives a crap about them. Come to think of it, people crap on them. Good guys get to be treated like crap, and that's what I'm trying to change. While I can't do that much for the people's perspective over good guys, I'm not going to let myself be treated like crap. It's time for me to face the light and be a better man.

So I vowed to myself, that I will be what I always wanted myself to be, someone who can adapt to any person, any place or ant situation. I want to be someone that people will just have no force but to admire. I want to be someone that keeps on doing good things in life. I want to be amazing. I want to be great. I want to be that damn good in anything I do and people will be left but to like it. I want to be that guy that is not shy and will interact with anybody, call someone as it fits and be the coolest guy around. I don't want to elaborate that much but simply put, I want to be a great person. This doesn't happen overnight, its something that I must work on. It's another year ahead of me. While 2011 was good at most, I went through a lot of shit and I want to make sure that 2012 will be worth it. I might still have to go through a lot of shit but I want to go through it like a boss. People can claim that 2012 is their year, but I guess no hurt can be done if I claim it to myself as well.

So for this 2012, I'm going to be different. I'm going to be the Noel Yulo that people have never known before. Sure, no one would care, but hey, this is my life, I'll do what I want to do. No one can dictate me. I want to be better, badder, stronger than ever. For 21 years, I was a good guy, but no one ever appreciated it. So know, now, I'll be the Noel Yulo that people might hate, but whatever, like I could give a fuck, I'll be what people didn't imagine I'll be. So 2012 marks the beginning, the rebirth of Noel Yulo. I could have been the best son, the best friend, the best classmate, the best employee, the best boyfriend that I could be, but no, I'll let them taste the best Noel Yulo that they'll ever set their eyes upon. I'm not going for the worst, but I'm surely going to be the best at what I do, and trust me, I'll blow heads off when I get the real shit out. REBIRTH. 2012. The new Noel Yulo is coming. And he's doing it, like a boss!