The pressure is officially ON!

As I stood up from my chair, I exited out of the classroom bearing a tired-looking face. I just took the post-test for our Maternal Nursing.

"What the heck just happened?", "How did I end up screwing it up again? "If only I studied...I could have gotten a higher score", those words flew in my mind like a flock of birds. I kept hearing scores around me, people were taking about the scores they got. Some passed, a lot failed, but their scores are somewhat apart from mine.

"You didn't study, you'll get it next time", I just thought to myself, trying to lift the smallest self-esteem left within me. And I decided to give myself a study-free, day-off for the rest of the day.

As me and my friend took a jeepney ride, going to the ol' school again, the results of that post-exam still bothered me. The fact that I haven't studied shouldn't really bother me at all, but the fact that I failed only showed I still have a lot of studying to do. "What's new?", I said to myself, trying to ease my feelings.

We entered the school with really no intention there. I just wanted to check if a special someone got a duty schedule, while my friend just wanted to use the bathroom. After checking, and apparently a bathroom visit, we went our separate ways and went home.

Honestly, I was hoping there would be freshly baked pudding in NCX. I'm somewhat pissed that I just went to school to use the bathroom.

As I arrived at home, the only thing I thought was to eat lunch and browse the 'net at the same time. Chomping down, I checked my Facebook like any other day. I saw people posting in their walls about the released NLE July 2010 results. My eyes widened, my heart jumped for excitement. Some of my friends took the July 2010 exam, I was anxious what was the result. I felt scared, I know that my time is still yet to come this December, but I was excited for my friends. One by one, I checked their names. One by one, I saw their names. It was a pride of joy like no other for my friends who just became fresh RNs.

I wasted no time, I tagged and congratulated them. I even called one friend of mine, "I won't be happy until I know it's official", she said, as she still felt anxious but happy at the same. I was pumped-up! "Oh my, PARTY!!", I thought to myself. I know their would be a celebration, nevertheless, the thought that my friends finally went over the hump was good enough for me.

As I finished my daily 'net routine, I turned off the computer and went to wash the dishes. As I scrubbed through a plate, I still can't imagine that my friends are finally registered nurses. I went on to imagine myself, checking the results and seeing my name. "Top Baby!", I imagined myself as people congratulate me. My future was a bright one, but then all of a sudden, I felt my heart beating faster. Thoughts about my coming board exam flooded my head. "Will I really pass?" "What would I do if I didn't?", "What would my parents feel?", "How will I hold up if my friends passed and I didn't?", these thoughts circulated my head, much as I was already feeling good that I will pass. And all of a sudden, everything went black, and I suddenly found myself going head first to the floor....

Sometimes I wish.

Of course, I didn't collapse. I just spiced things up since a novel of my day would be boring. Nevertheless, I really felt that sudden rush of anxiety about my future. At one moment, I felt so happy and excited to my friends who are freshly registered nurses. But as the moment shifted about my own future, I really felt scared. The fact that my friends, who were just my classmates a year ago, who I just shared the same experience with, who I graduated with are now RNs. While here I am, still reviewing, still just a mere Bachelor of Science in Nursing. I do envy them that they are feeling heaven right now. I do envy them that they'll finally take their oath. I envy them that they can start their careers now as professional nurses.

I do envy them that....wait...does that guy on the left lower side look like me?!

As I kept on thinking about my future, my mother told me that it's normal to feel scared. She even told me that it was sort of hard during her time. She was already working in a hospital before the results came out. There were no internet back then, so they had to wait for the results in the newspaper. She felt scared because she was already working without a license, so to fail it would result to embarrassment. Yeah, mom, I'll save that story later. The real thing was I got scared because I'm afraid of how I would prepare myself for the future. My mother did told me that during her time, the nursing board exam only happens once a year, which means all of them took the board exam at the same time. She didn't saw her batchmates becoming RNs before her, they all became one at the same time. But she told me to just keep on praying and study. As my mother left, I realized that I still got a lot of time left to study and pray. But the fact that my friends are now RNs, deep inside me, it all bottled down to one thing. I felt the pressure was already rising. I'm freaking pressured.

As in.....PRESSURE!!!!

I am a person that really feels pressure when someone in the same level as me have achieved something that I still have to achieve. I felt pressured to learn to walk when I saw toddlers have begun walking. I felt pressured to own a Gameboy when my friend had one. I felt pressured to try out Starcraft when my friends have finally experienced playing it. I felt pressured when my classmates have finished their subjects when I'm still half way done. I felt pressured when I saw people in my age are already a couple. I felt pressured when my friends slowly had girlfriends when I still have to have one. So to know my friends are already RNs, I suddenly felt pressured, at the same time inspired, to finally become a registered nurse myself.

When my female classmate however had boobs, I wanted to touch them. :D

Yes, the first few weeks of my review have been going along just fine. I have listened well to all the lecturers, read books, practiced answering questionnaires, I'm doing doing well. However, I do have to admit that when I said those things, I didn't meant I do them consistently. There are just really times when I don't feel like studying. Not the "You shouldn't study if your brain doesn't want to study" routine, but the "I won't study, even if I should, nah, I feel tired" routine. I guessed a lot of factors have affected my attitude towards studying these days, but really, I shouldn't bare any excuse not to study. But after this day, I somewhat found the right motivation to really kick the gear-up. To know my friends are now professional nurses, I must do my best to be the next one. To simply know the concepts is not enough, I must really find a way to master it. With the results of my post-test, I could really say that I still have a long ways to go, but I must start now. One lecturer told us that "We shouldn't give our best, we should give everything" And he is absolutely right. Because as much as I can retake the exam, I must always think of it as a "one-time" deal.

Yeah, something like that. Effort counts.

Right now, I feel pumped-up to read books, read my notes, just freaking read everything! The thought of my friends, other batchmates and the thousands of passers who finally became RNs is giving me pressure, but I know that I must use this pressure for my advantage. Yes, the pressure is on. They had their own fair share of countless hours of pure studying, having to face the curiosity of what a board exam feels like, experiencing the anxiety of waiting for the result, and the feeling of finally becoming professional nurses, so now, its our turn, my freaking turn. This is my calling, this is my destiny, no one would go against me but myself only. My only enemy is myself, and I must beat myself if it means grabbing that precious license. So here I am, no more excuses, just got to do and give everything. I believe that the upcoming board exam will be a breeze. I know that when the NLE December 2010 passers list will be released, my name will be there. Ahhh, Noel Christian O. Yulo, RN!!! Bring it!! Bring it!! PRESSURE IS ON AND I'M READY FOR MY DESTINY!!!

But first, party new RNs....PARTEH!!!

And so concludes what was a great friendship....

All I ever wanted was to say I was sorry. All I ever wanted was her to accept my forgiveness. All I ever wanted was for her to forgive me. All I ever wanted was just for both of us to forget about it and just go on with our lives. But sometimes, you can never always get what you want. If you aren't destined to get it in a million years, you'll never get it in a million years, never.

I finally drew the last line between the ongoing sort-of-feud I had with my friend. Last week, I finally had the balls to say all I ever wanted to say. No more short apologies, no more cheap shot friendship quotes to post in Facebook, no more. I sent her a very long message in Facebook, it needs to end. The next day, I saw her status stating that someone had sent her a very long pm. I knew it was me. It was sort of disappointing to know that she looks forward for a "lil talk". Just a little talk for a very long message of mine? She's only going to have a short thing to say. I knew it wasn't going to go well as I thought it would, but I had to hope for the best anyways.

As I was camping again at Facebook, looking for anything fun, I found her online. My hands were itching, I needed to do it. I clicked her name and started to communicate with her. It was kind of nerve cracking waiting if she would reply. She did, and oh boy was it a very interesting one.

..........."i should have prevented this to happen"......"if only we were just plain classmates"......"everything is all good now...."....."......but not the way it was before"......

We did end up having a pretty lengthy conversation I might say. But it ended not in the note I was hoping for. Yeah, we had a great talk, smoke seemed to have been cleared, but the inevitable just happened. The friendship we had between one another was already scarred. She did forgive me, but she can't give me the friendship that we used to have. I didn't understand why. The last thing I did was overly reacted to a thing she did to me. It was a petty fight my friends said, but how could she ever decide to just not let things be the way they were. She regretted that it had to go up to this point. If we could have just been ordinary classmates. If she only didn't trust me. If we just didn't have that friendship that we had. I was confused, and yet, I understood why she said those stuff.

In the end, the sort-of-feud that we have ended. But at the same time, our great friendship was also included. Changes, these are the changes in life that will eventually come. Changes that we will hate, but we must need to accept. Man my life is just so fucked up right now. I thought losing a friend would suck, but having a friend back but not the same as before sucked even more. The more I think about it, the more I lose my sense of living in this world. I'm no suicidal or anything, but God, I just want all of it to stop. But life must go on and on and on no matter how miserable it is. I'll never forget the great times that we had, the moments we shared with one another, the great friendship, no, relationship that we had. Deep inside, I just know that there is no reason that it must end, but its her call. At least, bygones are bygones, but for the record, so was our great friendship, bygone, gone probably forever, forever concluded.

One month ago.....

July 16, 2010.

I though it was the day.

One month then, still, it's a day to remember.

Time seemed to have passed by so fast, a month already has past. It was like it was only yesterday, the two of us sitting on the Roxas bench at school, finally having the talk I've always wanted to have with her. That was it, pressure was on, I had once chance. The moment went on and on and on, and swoosh, it became the day that I would forever remember in my mind. Forever I would be reminded. That on that day, my love for the 3rd time, failed the 3rd time. On that day, the girl I loved the most, rejected me.

It was just like any ordinary Friday. Any kind of day actually. I woke up knowing I still have a lot of paper works to do. Of course, I also knew that we would see each other. We planned to do things with each other that day. Following-up our exhibit forms, it was going to be a great day. But deep inside, I was already getting anxious. I asked her a few weeks past if we could talk, just the two of us. I needed to tell her already, I needed to make things the way I wanted them to be. It was already long due. It was time I propose to her to be my girlfriend.

We planned to start our day by seeing each other in CHDC. We had to have our exhibit forms there signed by the Chief Nurse. I arrive there a little bit early, but I didn't mind waiting for her. What was new? Anyways, she arrived, looking hot with her green t-shirt. And coincidentally, I was wearing the same color of shirt. Deep inside, I had a feeling that that was the day. So we did what we needed to do, and then off we went to school to do other more stuff regarding our forms. It was quite a busy morning, but we managed to accomplished a lot of stuff. But sadly, we still needed to go back in the afternoon. Lunch was approaching fast, and we decided to go home for lunch and see each other again in the afternoon.

We walked together up to Roxas gate, her brother was fetching her. I decided to stay and wait until her brother fetches her. While standing, I couldn't help but remind her of the talk we were suppose to have. For so many times, our planned talk was spoiled with some unseen circumstances. That was the day, there was no way it could be spoiled, so I reminded her. She joked that we shouldn't talk, and then she quickly insisted that we just talk while waiting for her brother to arrive. I didn't expected that, I got pressured all of a sudden. What if I can't say all I want to say? What if I mumbled all my words? All I know is, that was it. The moment I have been waiting for. Sitting on the bench, I started to open my mouth. She listened and kept on smiling. After I talked, she then proceeded to say the words that have seemed to have pierced in my mind forever, "Basta wag lng lagi". My world suddenly stopped spinning. Everything became a blur, everything.....

Fast forward up to this day, here I am, celebrating a monthsarry that is just too painful to bear. To sum everything all that happened within the month, I got depressed, cried, world turned upside down, got hurt so much, and that's it. Its too much to story anymore. I just know that I'll never be okay. The feeling to have your heart shattered into pieces, it's painful to have this empty feeling inside. I should just keep everything bottled up, it won't make me feel better to write down every drama that occurred for the past month. All I know is, a month ago, it would have been the greatest moment of my life. Yes, its Bargaining in depression if I hoped it would have turned the other way around, but I am on Acceptance now. There is nothing more I can do. Nevertheless, this day would forever be part of my life, July 16, 2010, the girl I have truly loved the most, rejected me, one month ago.....