Life in Poetry: My Maldita Girl

This seem to be a trend every December 31st, but anyways, you got to do things for love. Anyways, what I have right here is a poem a dedicate to one Emervy Jade Ballener. Pretty much there is nothing more I can say and its that I love this girl so much. She might have broken my heart, but I now she's going through something. I'm optimistic, but I don't know where everything goes from here. But at least, I want to leave this poem out to let her know that I love her. No matter what, you're always special to me. Thank you for the moments we had, I love you you maldita girl, so, here it is...

My Maldita Girl
by: Noel Yulo

I used to think that she can be as sweet as sugar

Lovable, caring, molded the same way as an angel

But little did I know that she is quite special in ways

Ways that would leave me dumbfounded for days

And as much as I would like to think that she's okay

There is just more to her than what people would say

But that's why she's special despite she left me in a twirl

There is really nothing compared to my dear maldita girl

The first time I saw her, her beauty captured me eyes

I wouldn’t thought she would captivate me by surprise

While I didn’t hope that I’ll get a chance to meet her

Destiny seemed to have plans for us to meet each other

My friends would talk to her and shout out my name

I would shy out but a “Hi!” she would always say

I know that she’s only forcing herself to greet an “elder”

But that’s how my interest started for this maldita girl

I didn’t really plan for us to be more than acquaintance

Frankly speaking I always forget what her name was

I went with my life not wondering how or where she is

Until one hot afternoon going home I saw her in a dress

“That’s gotta be the girl I had a crush on during the review”

“Can’t believe we’re just neighbors, who would have known”

From there on knowing her name was a priority, I was on a whirl

I guess I wanted to know more things about this maldita girl

So the determined finally got what he was looking for

I was already on the outside and about to knock on her door

No more hello exchanges, I was about to enter in her life

Didn’t know what to expect but I already had her in my sight

So I added her in Facebook and in few days accepted my request

I sent her out quickly a message not wanting to fail in my quest

I thought she ignored it but after a few days a got a reply from her

I couldn’t believe I was having a conversation with the maldita girl

Not long thereafter we pretty much got to know more each other

She was an interesting girl to say at least and has a sense of humor

I got to ask for her number and she quickly handed it out

God himself was looking down on me that day from above

It went on from days and to conclude it she was a pretty cool chick

Those early moments we had were like the start of a romantic flick

I didn’t want to think more than what was happening between us I swear

But to be honest I got confused if I was already falling for this maldita girl

After a grueling wait I finally found out that I passed the board exam

Of course, I had to checked immediately and called my new found “friend”

It was a blessing indeed when I found out she passed as well

But at that time I was confused, my feelings for her I couldn’t tell

She was having a thanksgiving party and surprisingly I got invited

She didn’t knew me that much yet but I definitely was delighted

Surrounded by her family and close friends, I felt out of place

But I couldn’t care, I got an invite from the maldita girl anyways

We stayed in touch through text and I was always updated about her

She would tell me about her day went as an event organizer

She got acquainted with my friends and they would tease me a lot

“Noel has a new girl again” they would say, but I said she isn’t

My heart got broken for so many times that I was truly afraid

But slowly but surely my heart grew fonder for her every day

She had an interesting past that made me unsure of this girl

But deep inside I wanted to be the future of this maldita girl

I would often visit her at work and we would go out for dinner

At times we would just go out and do things altogether

I’ve never had an experience like this with any other woman

Whenever I’m with her we’d always find ways to have fun

That’s why one evening while we were talking over the phone

Through circumstances I had to say those three damn words

“I Love you, Emervy”, and every feelings went on a swirl

I finally made my feelings clear for the shocked maldita girl

Nothing was automatic, and of course it was a slow process

At first it felt like she rejected me but she just wasn’t sure yet

My heart got broken that night but unlike those times in the past

I didn’t weep for that long and I got up to my feet really fast

She asked me a question before that I applied on to that moment

“Why didn’t you got for a second try to the girls you’ve loved before?”

And I answered, “There was no point on going after again for those girls”

But for this time around, I wanted to fight for my love for the maldita girl

Everything was good on that point, everything felt in place

I was a little bit on a rush but I just have to keep up with her pace

I would forget that moment where we talked in a coffee shop

I got curious and asked her bluntly who I was in her life?

She told me to give her choices and she would just pick one

I was teary-eyed when I found out I’m her special someone

I felt I was in a good place, the best thing just happened to me

I was touching maldita girl’s hand and the moment felt forever

But as everything seem to go into the right direction

Something happened that was out of my expectations

She suddenly disappeared, no single word was said

I looked for her, I wanted to know what happened

She said she was just looking for herself, she’ll be fine

I asked about us, she said you’ll just know in time

At that point she explained to me what a girl she really is

It was at this point she told me what a maldita girl she is

I tried to hang-on, I tried to understand what she was going through

But she left me in a cold position, she just left and gone she flew

I just wanted to know where she would like me to place myself

But she was busy she says, ignored my words like she’s deaf

I was getting annoying, a first time in my life I was

But I love her too much just not to give a fuck

“I’m very busy Noel, please, please stop bugging me”

Her message hit me strong, and from there on it was clear

My love for her was stained, I got confused with my feelings again

I wanted to hate her for treating me like crap, I was going insane

I didn’t want to be on this position again, but she made sure I did

She couldn’t give a two cents anymore if I was dying slowly in my bed

My friends told me to just move on, she’s not worth of my love

But I knew her more than my friends, they didn’t know what’s up

I knew nothing has ended yet, and it took me some time to think about it

I got lost in transition, was down, but I’m finally back on my feet

I miss the times when I would borrow her phone and check her pictures

The times we went out having fun, at times giving one another a lecture

Walking together and getting to hold her hand while we cross the streets

Hugging each other goodbye but secretly going to her head for a kiss

These are the moments that define my love for this girl

I’m pretty much convinced this maldita girl is the girl I’d die for

And nothing is much quite sure right now despite the things I want to hurl

People will think I’m crazy but I'm definitely in love with this maldita girl

She has completely captivated in whole my heart

To give up on her wouldn’t be really smart

No words can ever complete the way I can describe her

More ways than one I’d truly say I’ve fallen again all over

She has ripped me apart but I’m still in love with this fine lady

I miss the Emervy I thought I knew but I’ll still love the real Emervy

I know that there is nothing like her anywhere around the world

I’d keep on fighting if it means finally having her as my maldita girl

Me and the maldita girl. :D

Twas a Grey Christmas

How's my Christmas you ask? Oh, nothing much, greyer than grey.

It doesn't snow in the Philippines. The closest thing you can get to a snowy Christmas morning here is to have a raining Christmas morning. And that's how it was when I woke up in Christmas morning. Dark skies, moderate rain, just like I wanted my Christmas to be. You might be wondering why I wanted my Christmas to be that way. Well to be frank, for the past few months I haven't really been excited for Christmas. Its starting to be just another holiday, another day for me for that matter. Maybe its because of the crap that I've been through. And when you go to a lot of crap, its either you rise, go on and take it as a challenge or you can go down and let it take the colors of your life. For my part, I went through all of those but I ended having the colors of my life taken away from me. Now everything seems to be white and black, I don't feel like doing anything special anymore and worst of all, my outlook in life just turned gray.

Christmas is suppose to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus. While biblical historians have pointed out that Jesus wasn't technically born in December 25, its already an accepted creed for Christians around the world. But despite that, Christmas is also the celebration of giving. This is a season where family reunion happens, where the act of sharing is seen and where there is always extra on everything. Extra food, extra drinks, extra money, everything you can think off is extra on this day (I guess extra love counts too...pfft). Christmas for me has been about the two facts, but unbeknownst to the world, December 25th is also the day where the birth of some guy in the Philippines is celebrated. Yes, it is also my birthday.

While I always put over Jesus' birthday over mine, I guess it won't hurt if people also remember its my birthday. Everyone seems to be born randomly. I don't think parents ever plan when their child will be born (except if you were born in November, then your parents wanted to make you on Feb. 14), but it always feel nice if their child were born on a special date. Imagine what would the parents think if there child was born on All Soul's Day? But while parents, in my opinion, don't matter when their child would be born (maybe if the baby was born on the same date as a past tragedy), then any date will do. Being born in New Year's Day is quite awesome, but if you were born in Christmas, that is just plain extra special. "You're a blessing" or "You're special" seem to be said to anyone born in Christmas. But you can pretty much say it to any new born baby.

In a sense, being named Noel and was born in Christmas seem to give you enough leverage that you are special, that maybe you can do more than what others can. While I don't want to hype myself up, I always get the "amazed" look from people when they found out I was born on Christmas. The past Christmas have been good for me, amazing for some. But as you grow, the inevitable happens. Christmas loses it sense as you grow. Don't get me wrong, its still the most wonderful time of the year. But while other people get to celebrate this day and their birthday, I only get to celebrate those two things in one day. So if that day doesn't play out I wanted it to be, then pretty much everything is a wreck.

This year's Christmas was suppose to be a little bit special. It was my 21st birthday. I didn't expect a huge celebration or anything, but my parents surprised me again. While I am very thankful with the surprise, its a shame as I wasn't able to invite people as I've been downplaying the people around me that I won't be celebrating. But I shouldn't mind that because the important thing is that my closest friends will show up, then again, I was wrong. Only 4 friends dropped by, and pretty much, that was just the nail in the coffin. I don't want to keep grudges, it is what it is. I understand its Christmas, need to spend it with the family, but it was my debut. They didn't miss the past few Christmas, maybe for one last time (I would like to think this would be my last time to have a celebration on my birthday) they could show up. But all I got was a cold shoulder. And to top it all off, I didn't even got that much greetings. While Facebook is kind enough to remind that its your friend's birthday, some couldn't even bother. Like I said, I put Jesus' birthday over mine but it wouldn't hurt to greet someone, even someone you don't personally know a happy birthday. Then again, I'm a good guy, I won't take it against them. I'm just good ol' Noel Yulo.....no one cares. Still, I'm thankful for every person who greeted.

But despite all of that, I'm still thankful of the Christmas I had this year. It marked my 21st birthday and I got to celebrate it with people that matters most, my family. Sure it wasn't the way I could have planned it to be, but hey, as long as you got family around you, its already enough. Best of all, at least despite my "nobody" status, I still got few friends who cared to show up. This wasn't the best Christmas or birthday I ever had, but Christmas is still Christmas and a birthday is still a birthday, I could've had it worst, but I still get to enjoy it and lived to celebrate it. So for every hype that Christmas gets, just like anyone else despite its quite grey for me, you feel sad 'coz its finally over. And after waiting for a months its quite disappointing that it doesn't play out the way you want it to be, but what's done is done. You move one and wait for another 365 days, it isn't that long.

So twas a grey Christmas. Nothing much more you can ask for. Come to think of it, its quite sad that it didn't felt good. I wanted it to be gray, but at the end of the day, I wish it would be as colorful as the Christmas lights on the Christmas tree. In a way, I think I still had a great Christmas. I got to give gifts to my cousins, bought them and wrapped them myself. I practiced the true meaning of Christmas and I didn't forget who we offer this season for, the birth of our savior Jesus Christ. And by the way, I got to celebrate it like a boss. Well, it was another Christmas past. Can't say I'm looking forward for the next one as I still got a year of shit to go through, but I hope you had a very Merry Christmas. And to all, a goodnight!

Taking a bite at an Apple: The Quest to own an iPod

The logo alone makes you wanna shit yourself a walkman.

I have never owned an Apple product ever in my entire life. Come to think of it, I was never close of owning an Apple product. As much as it a great piece of technology, I was able to go on with my life without ever owning one. Ever since I laid my eyes upon the classic iPod back in high school, I already knew it was a beautiful piece of gadgetry. It plays music and it stores pictures, something not normal or common then. Time when pictures were limited to Kodak or when a listening to portable music was just through a discman, the iPod captured the attention of everyone. Of course, being a great piece of technology, Apple's iPod did not come to a cheap price. It was quite expensive, but through it all, despite the technology it offers, man can simply live without it. But time has change since then. The portable technology has expanded greatly. Smartphones suddenly sprout out of nowhere. People want to have the latest piece of technology. And all in all, Apple has evolved to a scary giant in the world of technology.

Shit got really real.

But before anything else, deep insideI have simply yearned for an iPod. I would banished the idea of buying an mp3 player back then, I wanted the top shit. I wanted the measuring stick for all mp3 players, and that was the iPod. Throughout the years the iPod has taken a lot of different versions and went through a lot of changes. There was the Shuffle, the Nano, and from there, the Touch was born. I could still remember the first day I got to borrow the iPod for the first time. I had a classmate that owned an iPod Nano. It didn't bug me at first, but when we were slowly becoming close, one of the things I bravely asked to him is that if I could borrow his iPod. The moment he said yes, I couldn't be happier. The way how I navigated the gadget by the use of the iPod's signature wheel captivated my mind on how such technology was invented. I wasn't pressing a lot of buttons, I was simply circling my thumbs and pressing just one button. From that day on, I knew that if I was going to buy a portable music player, that would be it.

It's so small that you can call it fluffy.

For some reason, instead of finding ways to own one, I simply got contented of just borrowing one. That friend end up being my close and best friend, so pretty much I got to borrow his iPod a lot that it felt like it was mine already. But good things don't last forever. For some reason his iPod got to a wrong end of a washing machine and it was dead for good. Although he got a nice iPod Classic for a replacement, things change that time that I seldom get to borrow his iPod. For some reason, iPod just seemed to be a classy gadget that I don't really need to have or cared to have. My phone can play mp3 music so that was good enough for me. But on the day my eyes laid upon the new iPod version, Apple captured my heart again to get an Apple product. The iPod Touch was released. It was still an iPod, but touch screen, something back then was a little bit rare for a piece of technology. And aside from the features an iPod can do, it let's you play games that look like they came out straight from consoles. Beside that is the released of the iPhone and pretty much at least, you get a product that is like an iPhone, but minus the phone. It was a stand point that time. I had the sudden urge to go on a quest to own an Apple product, an iPod to be exact. Screw the Macs, the iPod Touch simply won over my soul.

You know you want the damn thing.

But with technology growing everyday, gadgets seem to grow a little bit faster. Companies like Apple, Samsung, Blackberry, Nokia, HTC, have a distinct attitude of releasing gadgets for almost every month. Ranging from 6-12 months to create another updated version of a certain gadget. They release too many damn gadgets that consumers are left with hundreds of options and the urge to spend for updated products. It's a bit of a turn-off for a poor consumer like me, but, I want to own a product up to date. That's why I kept on chasing for a fine time to buy the latest gadget. Truth be told, I thought the iPod Touch was not part of this cycle, but I was wrong. I didn't even notice that the iPod Touch was already in the 3rd generation, and then 4th. Simply put, my drive to own the latest iPod left me to become a non-Apple owner for quite some time. You just can't hold on to money for long. And if you want to get the next model, then you need to save ahead of time. With my current savings, I think I am close to own finally an Apple product. But due to circumstances, something inside tells me to prioritize other stuff and wait for the 5th Gen ipod Touch to go on sale. But I dunno, its already been way overdue already. It's now or never, just got to own a damn iPod already.

. . . . . . . . . .

In conclusion, I really do feel that with just enough patience, I will be able to meet my goal. The quest to own an Apple product will be complete. The things that I will do with my new gadget, man, it gets me pump up everyday that I just really need to put up with my crappy job and deal with it just so I get paid and have the means to buy one. The wait will be worthwhile. But looking back, through it all, it took one circular motion in that famous wheel to have the urge to munch on an apple. I can feel the chunks in my mouth already.

You sir, are a genius.

. . . . . . . . . .

In Memory of Steve Jobs
RIP 1955-2011

Drive Away: My Tribute to my Nokia 2730 Classic

Still one sexy classy phone. Even in Magenta.

In my entire existence, I've only used four phones. The first one was a Nokia 5110. It was around grade school and cellphones were slowly becoming a big thing. Technically speaking I didn't own the phone. It was originally from my dad issued to him from his office. But when he was issued a new phone, he gave us the phone so we can text and contact him any time. And since I was the more techy person in the family, I get to use it a lot, almost mine already. I could remember the time when I suddenly pin blocked the sim card and I just shitted in my pants because back then, sim cards where quite expensive. It wasn't long when I was given my own cellphone. When I graduated grade school, my graduation gift was a Nokia 3310. Now, the 3310 was very famous back then. The 5110 was big and heavy, but the 3310 was small and very stylish at that time. It had comfortable keypads and best of all, it had Space Impact, the coolest game ever invited for the cellphone, at that time. It was such a great device that even kindergarten students have one. It was so cool that my classmate even stole it. We got it back but since then, I couldn't remember why I wasn't able to use that phone anymore.

Three years after that, my parents gave me an advance high school gift in a form of the Nokia 6610i. Now around this time, there have been a lot of phones released. Nokia phones were getting rampant and even other cellphone brands were coming out such as Samsung, LG and Sony Erickson. At that time, life was really simple and there was no need for text messaging. Everyone can still live a life without a cellphone, unlike today. But with the sudden ramp of cellphones, and the fact that communication is much more easier with it, everyone was slowly owning one. The coolest things that could be included on a phone on that time is a colored screen and a camera. I like to think back then that as long I have these two combination in my phone, I'm living the current trend no matter what phone it is. At that time, I was a very rpoud owner. It had a camera which means I can take pictures anywhere. On top of that, I can play colored games, which really sucks now but was cool back then. It was a basic stylish phone and I had it until 4th year college. But through out durng college, my 6610i went to a lot of damages. Sure, it still functions now, but the screen has a purple spot and after using that phone for four years, I felt like I need a new one.

Throughout college, technology in cellphones was becoming too advance. Cellphones were getting much more rampant and the sudden rise of "smartphones" emerge. Touch screens were becoming in and as everyone knows, the iPhone was born and rocked the cellphone industry. But with all the advance technology coming out, I was never relly drawn out to own one. As long as I could text and call, there was no need to own one. But I needed an upgrade. My mother decided it's time to own a new phone. Now, my mother's budget was just arond 500 pesos (around $13) so smartphones was heavily out of the question. Not that I mind about it, but I wanted to own a latest phone. It was hard to choose from all the phones available, but one phone caught my attention. It was just recently released and it looked classy and sexy for a very basic phone. It had all the classic features of a phone but re-profiled with new features for the current times. It was the Nokia 2730 Classic, and from there on, I knew what phone I wanted for Christmas.

Now, I do my research to things that I don't have an idea about, so I made a little bit research about the phone. I watched a lot of reviews in YouTube, read reviews and comparisons to different gadget sites. I know it would be hard to judge something without having to try it first, but after countless reviews, I decided that it was it. No more questions ask, that was the phone I wanted. I an still recall the day when I bought it, the Nokia store we went through, the manager that assisted me, it was such a great day. It was just a cellphone, but it was a cellphone that I have anticipated for such a long time I couldn't contain my excitement. When I finally had it, there was nothing on that phone that I didn't explore and utilize. From messaging, music, games, videos and surfing the web, I used that phone to the full capacity. That phone was almost like my brother, we did a lot of things together. It knows all the messages that I have sent and the messages I have kept. I didn't use it as a camera but some of my well made pictures was taken from that phone. And I may not have a PSP, but I filled it with a tons of games. Best of all, I was able to log-in to Facebook there anytime. Throughout my dramatic moments, that phone was with me and I've always felt that I will have that phone for a very long time. That change just a few nights ago.

It was just a typical night. Another night shift, another workday. Now, I was on my bluetooth listening to some music when I realized I was near my workplace already. The jeepney stopped, went out and I was crossing the street. Suddenly, the music disappeared. I reached out to my pocket and I realized that my pone wasn't there anymore. I quickly checked the jeepney and it wasn't there anymore. I checked the other side of the street and maybe I just dropped it and with no luck, it wasn't there anymore. I tried to think about the moment I went out of the jeep and I could swear I checked before I went out. With a little time left before my shift starts, I called my tita to inform my sister and aprents that to call or text my phone to wanr the driver o any passengers and blasted in Facebook to text and call my phone as well. I get replies saying that it only rings. Once I got home after my shift, I checked it myself and there it was, just ringing. I knew that I didn't had that much time left as the phone will be low in battery. From that there on, I was so disappointed with myself that deep inside I knew I could have done something to retrieve my phone. I could have chased the jeep, it was slightly raining that time but I knew I could have chase it. But its too late, the phone cannot be reached anymore whenever I try to call it. It was a good thing that I still have my 6610i phone. Bought a new sim card, which is very cheap these days and started to collect numbers again. Whenever I try to remember my phone, it breaks my heart. It wasn't no iPhone, HTC or whatever smartphone, but that phone meant a lot to me, especially the memories that I have kept there. It is a shame, but just like any death in the family, you move on.

. . . . . . . . . .

Right now I am in the mode again to scout new phones. The difference right now compared to then is that I have a job now. I can set my own budget. And with technology these days, a smartphone is surely on my mind as of now. But there was really nothing like compared my 2730. It had the looks, the features that any guy could just need. It meant a lot to me. It's a shame it wasn't with me for two tears. That phone was with me through my ups and downs. It's just a shame that I lost it. You may find it funny for me to create a tribute to my phone, an inanimate object, but for me it was like brother. I'll never forget that Magenta-colored Nokia 2730 Classic. Thank you for being a useful reliable phone for almost two years. I don't know if I should still buy the same model or find a better replacement, but deep inside you will always be special. Wherever that phone is right now, I hope that it is in good hands. Losing that phone taught me that maybe there are things in life that I must move on too. I lost special saved messages and lost contacts. The important thing is, I have the chance now to create a new beginning. Life would have still been better if I still had that phone, but just like any disappointing thing to occur in life, God always has a purpose and reason. My Nokia 2730 Classic, it was stylish, classy, elegant and simple. Thank you for being with me through my greatest moments and failures. Thank you for taking my best pictures even in 2 Megapixel. Thank you for keeping my most valuable messages. Thank you for being a great phone. You will never be forgotten.

It Was Just Some Party: How I failed my Thanksgiving Party

When Eminem released his 6th album Relapse back in 2009, the hip-hop world was in excitement as Eminem started rapping again. It was well anticipated to hear Em' rap after a long hiatus. I kept on listening to Eminem songs from his old albums that I didn't notice that he hasn't made a song ever for quite some time. Everyone anticipated the album and once it was released, it sold a million records after a few weeks and even won two Grammy and other awards. It didn't had the feel of his old albums but every Eminem album is well-made so as I fan I can't really complain. A few months and Eminem released a new single for his Recovery album entitled Not Afraid. Everyone knows that is a dope song, full of emotion and inspiration. But one line really caught my attention when Em spit out "In fact, let's be honest/ That last Relapse CD was 'ehh'/ Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground/ Relax, I ain't going back to that now". Despite the success that Relapse got, Eminem himself felt that it wasn't really that much good. I researched about it and I found out that for Mr. Mathers, the Relapse CD was just a bunch of rap records. At that time, I realized that even if you get to release or produce something, it may not satisfy you in the end.

Same way I felt when my Thanksgiving Party ended.

A few weeks ago, the results of the July 2011 Nursing Board Exam came out. Thank God, I was finally in the list of passers. At that time, I just want to celebrate and have fun. A couple of drinks with friends, maybe a small dinner with the family, but to be honest, having a Thanksgiving Party was out of the question. I just passed. Sure, I only attended final coaching, but it was already my 2nd take. And to be frank, I just hit the passing mark. I was proud of myself, but not impressed. I felt that I didn't do anything that much, it was all God's will. But of course, I was being selfish and I wasn't thinking that my victory meant more to others than to myself. I already promised to some of my friends that I will have a party and to just wait for my call or text. It took a while for me to set-up a date, but I finally got to set it up for a September 3 date. I only had a week to prepare for it but it was enough in every sense. But of course, like Eminem, I am a bit of a perfectionist as well. It felt like I wanted to make the greatest-party-of-the-year. Of course I know I can't but I wanted to have an awesome party, in the terms I have promised to my friends, to be "barbaric". In retrospective, not all my friends pulled-off a thanksgiving party, so there was no need to pressure myself. But sometimes you just want to go things the right way, it sometimes end up short of your expectations.

I want to be clear, I enjoyed my party. I'm happy I pulled it off. It just that I felt that I could have done something better. Just like Eminem, looking back at his Relapse CD, it was just some rap record for him. For me, it was just some party. People had something to eat, had something to eat, but I don't think they have something to talk about after. I felt that I set a high expectation to my guest that I failed them. Most importantly, I failed myself. I just want to have a bombastic party that I was full of myself. I was kidding myself and I felt that I ran that party to the ground. I know my friends enjoyed it, my family had a good time, but I can just feel that in their minds, I know they have a couple of "Noel could have done better if he...". It took me the entire weekend to think about what I missed and what I could have done better, and here are the three things that I wished I could have fixed:

1. Budget - There have been a lot of parties held in our house. Not once did I ever have to share some money. I've been the crew person, the dishwasher, the maintenance boy, but never did I sponsored money, not even to my previous birthday parties. So I only have a small idea how much a party will cost. And the fact that I am already employed, I am obliged to take responsibility of the expenses for my birthday. To be honest, when it comes to money, I'm sometimes a Scrooge. I don't really want to give money that much. As much as possible, I like to spend less. But of course, I know I have to shed some money if I want my party to be a "parteh". I did take out half of my remaining money. It was already enough, but when I look back at the party, I wished I took out a little bit more cash. It would have meant more food, more drinks, and more drinks. I promised a barbaric party and as much as the food and drinks was enough, enough simply isn't barbaric. Well, despite my Tito and his friends took some food and some drinks, something unforeseen, I felt that I still didn't had the "barbaric"budget to have a shitload of drinks. It's better to have more than to have less. The feeling that the you can't consume all drinks is quite convincing that you had a much wicked party compared to going home dry as a camel in the desert.

2. Preparation - I can't really complain on this one that much. My parents were already able to budget the foods they needed to prepare and the drinks that they needed to buy. I had a long stern discussion with my mom with this because I wanted to invite everyone of my classmates and friends in college but at the same time I was hoping not all can come. I will need a hotel if I that is the case. I just know not all will come and no one really cares about me that much but anything could really happen. That's why I wanted to plan the party scientifically by zeroing-out any possible mishaps. I wanted to have Plan B, C or maybe even a D. I ain't no scientist but at the time, I felt my party would be without that much mishaps. Turns out, it went well, but not without any miscalculations. My mother wanted to start at 6PM as some of my relatives were already there but I informed my friends it would start at 7PM. I know they will be late but at least the party will start at 7. It's a good thing my friend and his girlfriend arrived early so at least I had guest friends already when we started. Slowly my friends were coming but the problem is, my Lechon (roasted pig) was already half-consumed. Other viands were fine but the main course was already gone and majority of my friends haven't arrive yet. Luckily it was enough but just to be on the safe side, I asked my sister to buy extra roasted chicken in case the food may not be enough. On the drinks side, when the session began, it was great as I have a huge icebox of beers in it. But after an unforeseen circumstances, I need to go to the nearest Convenience Store to buy more drinks. If you notice the trend here, I had to but extra food and drinks just so I won't run the party dry. It was just a small mishap but something I wished didn't happen if I only planned it well. And also, I took the responsbility of crown control that I seem to have stressed out myself taking care of everything. Even host have assistants too, I ran the show by myself.

3. Documentation - I guess the main part or the main reason why I felt my party sucked was that it lacked "documentation" or it lacked pictures. I keep bashing my sister for borrowing my camera on her school events and just taking few pictures that I hate myself for only taking few pictures in my own party. My camera ain't no DSLR, but it is one cool camera, top of the line digicam of today. So when I woke up Sunday morning to look at the pics, I just felt that I didn't had enough memories to post in Facebook. I could have taken more pictures of my family and friends. I could have taken pictures with each of my guests. I could have created lots of creativity in my pictures that night that I don't know what happened as the camera spend most of its time inside my pocket. I asked a friend about this and for her the only thing that lacked in my party was really pictures. By the look of my album, the people didn't have that much to talk about since there weren't that much evidences there. Damn I sometimes hate myself for owning a camera. I was used to have someone take my pictures, not me taking pictures. Ugh, it disappoints me big time.

Woooo. There. Sometimes it takes a critic to really teach you a lesson. And I'm a huge critic of myself. I criticize myself for not having a better party. By in any standards, I had a decent party. But I raised the expectations a little bit that when it was all said and done, I wasn't really satisfied. But just like Em' on his line, "Relax, I ain't going back to that now", I ain't going back on this one anymore. It happened. Sure, I wasn't completely satisfied, but I'm happy I pulled it off. I did something that others didn't even bother to do anymore. I could wished a lot of things to change, but it is what it is. For everyone that came, I am thankful that you were there present to celebrate my thanksgiving of becoming a registered nurse. Sometimes you just have to ignore the "What ifs" and be glad to "What happened". At the end of the day, people got something to eat, had something to drink and most importantly had a good time. Couldn't say they really really had a great time, but hey, would they stay up in the morning if they didn't? Hmm, a guy like me is already thankful of that even if it wasn't the greatest-party-of-the-year, it was still a party nevertheless. I'll try to make it up and be barbaric on Christmas.

Medicine State of Mind

Doctors.
Providing care with their wings and getting rich just like any venomous snake would do.

Being a doctor was something I never consider to have as a profession. When I was still young, being a pilot was something I wanted to be. I didn't really have a reason at first but since my father is assign at the airport, I get to go there a lot and I was always fascinated with the thought of driving a huge plane growing up. I guess every kid is fascinated with the sky and thinking that I can visit my father everyday at work made me considered being a pilot. It was a childish reason but nevertheless it was something I was sure at that time that I wanted to be. After hundreds of "pilot of the coconut" jokes, I wanted to be a computer engineer. Back in grade school, I was exposed to computer games a lot and quite frankly to a lot of electronics as well. I enjoyed the technology that the computer brought into my life, how it works, functionality, the formation, it just blew me away. Of course at that time, I didn't knew I was playing with a console that came out before I was born and getting excited of owning a Playstation when a Playstation 2 was already the cream of the crop. Throughout high school, I still wanted to be a computer engineer. I used the computer and internet so much that if I want to have something as a job, that would be dealing with computers.

Still don't have an idea what a computer engineer does. Cue Mr. Repair Man.

And as everyone knows, I turn out the be a nurse. After four years of being a bachelor of nursing with science and two board exams later, I am finally a professional nurse. Currently I am not practicing my profession. Got a lot of money problems in life and with the current scenario of nursing in the Philippines, the money is not in the bag if you are a nurse here. I still want to be a nurse, I just want to be loaded first before I become one. But while my road of being a nurse might take some time, there was a thought that I seem to have pounded over the past few weeks. I know that it might sound crazy and it might seem tad for my case, but deep inside, I have considered taking med school.

I don't even thing they are real doctors. But if you are one you can take any of them out anytime.

Throughout my high school and college life, I have kept that image of being a "smart guy". Truth be told, even during my grade school years, I was a smart guy. But from high school, it just went downhill from there. I was studying only when I needed the most or if I'm about to fail. I've always depended on my IQ in some ways but with my human shortcomings, I was more dumb rather than genius. Studying that much was just never my means of living a life to the fullest. I wanted to learn things by experience and not much with books or words. Thank God despite taking a bookish nursing course, I was able to pass it. It took a little bit of college ingenuity for me to make it but never have I relayed that much with books. But with med school, it is quite different. Being a doctor meant that you were naturally smart and knows how to drive oneself to study every night, eating books and chugging down coffee. For you to be a good doctor, you need to be a smart doctor. And on top of that, you need to have the funds to take on medicine or be that damn smart to take a scholarship. Being a doctor for some is a dream, but the road there is one topsy-turvy ride.

Checking the heartbeat of a picture of a heart for the sake of medicine.

But despite the trials of being a med student is well-documented, the end note is something that not everyone else can achieve. Simply put, being a professional doctor, a person with a PhD on the end of their name and a consultant is simply a great honor to be. It is about doing something special as a living, getting to cure sickness and save people's lives. Money will always be there, but the ability to create miracles in a daily basis is something you just can compare to any job. You can get the respect of everyone and just the fact alone that you become a doctor is already enough for people to tip their hats even if you haven't treated someone yet. I guess the credibility of being a doctor was something that captivated me. Despite earning a degree as a professional nurse, no one really gives a crap about the professionalism a nurse brings. Nurses don't get professional fees in the Philippines and with all the nurses out there, being a nurse is not much of an achievement, more of a typical stuff. You can say you're proud, I can say I'm proud, but at the end of the day, you or me is just a nurse meeting half-way the needs of life. We're living our calling but we don't have that much to be living. The complications of being a nurse is nothing new, but with medicine, no matter what, being a doctor makes you a somebody. No one will ever take you for granted.

"My stethoscope has more sponsors than you bitch!"

Everyone laughs, even my own mother, when I mention that I consider to be a doctor. My mother knows well that I am not the type of person to sit down and study for a day. And with our current financial situation, med school tuition is too much for my small middle-class family to bare, let alone the cost of books and other stuff, exams, etc. Things is, med school is quite expensive, obviously. Yeah sure being a doctor will help you live a wealthy life, but before that, your parents need to shed some money first before they can invest at you. I guess not everyone is meant to be a doctor. I guess I just look at myself lowly that I want to be somebody a decade from now. I know my friends in med school will be a bunch of rich somebodies 10 years from now, but I guess I'm just bothered with what I am going to be in the future. Reality wise, I guess I'll never be a doctor. But being a doctor just gives me that sense of purpose. I have the abilities to care for people as a doctor, I just don't know if I have the drive to be a doctor. To mold myself to be a doctor is a huge challenge and that it why I am always intimidated to all the doctors all over the world. The road, the path they took is unheard of, on for them to achieve it, I bow my head to them. It's too complicated for me and it will take some extra hard working to become one. Guess I just leave the med life to people who are smart and dedicated to cure people as their calling. I'm just fine with the serving the people and assisting the doctor job. But man, having to cure people, driving around with a neat car, going home in a nice house, getting calls from nurses and hospital directors, trips around the world, life of a doctor is a joy ride. It sure would be sweet, but at the end of the day, someone has got to be famous, which I am trying to be instead, haha!

I could still be a doctor of thugonomics. Word Life with a PhD bitches!!

The Comeback: Redemption, Triumph, and Victory on a 'Game 7' Nursing Board Exam

Before I start, let me just first say take you to a very interesting road of posts that I wrote here in my blog about my thoughts in my review for the NLE Board Exam and the Board Exam itself:

From trying to complete my cases...

My initial thoughts of taking my board exam...

My reaction to friends passing and gearing myself for my own moment...

And some complications during the review...

Although I never got to write about the time I took the board and never got to finish my post when I failed the December 2010 Board, it has been a long road and finally, I can finally write my "victory" post.

It was any ordinary saturday night. I decided to go to the gym and work out. Days before that, I already knew it was the night that the July 2011 results will come out. The day before that on a friday morning, I was already on the 9th day in my fourth straight St. Jude Novena. I had the feeling that God was telling me that the board exam results were coming out. I was prepared, but I was scared, something I wasn't during the first board. I was humbled after failing, and I guess that's what it took for me to seek God more. I almost lost God, but I cling on to that little faith I have. Over time it grew, an it deed. Came Saturday, and my faith was in all time high. I went to the gym to clear of my mind, but while I was lifting weights, I felt that angels were singing to me saying "I am a RN". In which I kept saying to myself, "I am a RN". It was a power of God that I just can't find the right words to explain. And after I was done, I checked my phone and I got six messages and three missed calls. On that moment, I knew it already. I made some calls, replied to some messages, God it was such a great feeling. I was the only one in the locker room, I was jumping wih joy and even my eyes were a little bit teary-eyed.

I came home and I received a hug from my mom. My dad was already drunk since he had a drink with his friends earlier afternoon and shook my hands and congratulated me. It was such an overwhelming feeling. I checked my Facebook and thank everyonethat greeted me. Didn't really got any congratulations to some people but whatever, I couldn't care at that time. A lot of of my already RN friends were spoiling the fun by saying that there is no job waiting, a lot of trainings and seminars to go through, but whatever, it was our moment, this was something they can't take from us. But seriously, I was also not into a frenzy compared to others, I was just happy, but at the same time content. Passing the board was a great achievement but not that impressive knowing there are thousands of RNs out there. I just knew that I was finally on the right track, I didn't have an idea what to do next, all I know is I wanted to get wasted and just celebrate.

Truth be told, I don't know what to say or what to write. Things have changed since then and to be honest, I'm not really in the mood to write but this was something I wanted to do, something I planned to do and I'm not going to miss this moment. Passing the board exam was something that I've always had in my mind since my first day at college of nursing. I know that graduating a BSN was just a preparation, passing the board is the first step to a life as a nurse. It was the validation that you are indeed a professional, a registered nurse. Failing the board taught me that being a registered nurse wasn't all that, I felt that I could succeed in life without having to achieve it. But deep inside, I wanted it, I craved for it. God knows I worked my ass off when I was still in school studying nursing. Sure, I didn't put that much effort to be the most intelligent student nurse at school or even at my class, but I can assure you that in duties, in the hospital, in the community, I worked my ass off. That's why I wanted to pass the board, to be professional, to validate my hard work in college and most of all, to serve God's people as a nurse.

Having to experience failure and passing it made me felt that I had it better than others. It gave me the perspective of having to know two sides of the story. It would have been nice if I pass the first time, but just that how things goes. God had a reason, as all of my friends said, and I guess He did have a reason. I guess that God wanted me to be stronger, to grasp life in a much better way. God wanted me to fall to know how much it takes to get back-up. It wasn't an easy path I tell you, but to finally get it, damn, it was a great feeling. Although with almost all my friends already registered nurses, it didn't had that much impact as I already knew what will transpire and some off them don't even have jobs yet, in truth no one really cared that much I passed. I made my family very happy but for the rest, they've been there and in regards to me passing, meh, it was just a different aura.

If I would have passed the first time, I would have written something special here. It would have been glorious, epic, outstanding. But now, its just feels bland. I'm just glad to know I passed, an anchor was lifted away, but I'm still working in a call center with no signs of leaving yet as I yet to earn and save money. Come to think of it, I want to celebrate with my friends but deep inside I feel like I don't need to celebrate. Life has exhausted me already that having a week off by doing nothing will be fine already for me. I still got a lot of shit to deal with but it damn sure feels like the biggest shit of them all has finally been flushed away.I'm just very thankful that God gave this to me. Now the only question remaining is where do I go from now? I have redeemed myself, I have triumphed over the adversity of becoming a professional nurse and I've gained victory in this "Game 7" Board Exam, what comes next. There are a lot of answers, scenarios, options I could choose but the current situation I have right now doesn't make them easy for me. I've got a lot on my plate right now I can't even write something glorious for me passing the board.

Nevertheless, I can finally say that my road to be a registered nurse is finally complete. Now all I need to focus now is to set a course to be a nurse. I don't know how much it takes, I don't know how it will go, but when I made that promise to God to serve his people as a nurse, even if not for a lifetime and just for a few years, I will find a way to achieve it. Being a nurse was something I wanted to do, but I know myself that I can do more than that. But this is my profession, this is what God wanted me to take. Live or let die, I will be a nurse no matter what. I have achieved first step, and I am on my way again for a road only God knows where it will take me. For my family and friends who have been there for me, thank you. To St. Jude be the glory. And especially to our Almighty God, thank you! Now I know how it feels like to comeback from losing the finals a year ago and winning it the next time. :D

It All Ends: My Magical Journey in the World of Harry Potter

What is going to end? We still want Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings!

As I exited the cinema complex, I was somewhat sleepy and hungry at the same time. I didn't really had extra money to find someplace else to eat and pretty much, I just wanted to go home and rest. I dragged my tired body out and then it hit me in the head real quick. It was my last time to walk out on a Harry Potter movie. I just watched the last and final Harry Potter movie. The story of the Boy-Who-Lived has finally ended. To think for a franchise that I was exposed with for 10 years, something that felt like it would never end, has finally came to a conclusion. Come to think of it, half my life, deep inside my retched heart, I was always a Harry Potter fanboy.

It was way back in 2001 when the world was struck by the Harry Potter phenomenon. When the movie came out, everyone was in awe of the story of a boy wizard with a lightning bolt for a scar, who survived a death cruse and seemingly defeated the dark wizard, He-who-must-not-be-named. At that time, I was still a bumbling 10 year old in my final year in Grade school. Back then, any movie that can get the attention of the people and becomes the talk of the town was an instant "must see" for me and my family. Add to the fact that Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was aimed for children, no doubt it was a movie that I wanted to watch. The moment I heard the magical theme intro, I was hooked to it from beginning to end. I grew up always expose to superheroes and cartoons, so a world filled with magic and wizards really was new to me and easily caught the attention of my 10 year old brain.

The only wizard related I have here in our country before Harry Potter.

Coming to school, everyone was talking about Harry Potter. Me and my friends would spend our breaks talking about how cool it is to go to a wizarding school, shouting Wingardium Leviosa at objects by using our fingers as wands, and simply just get fascinated with the different characters, objects and creatures found in the movie. Then, one of my brainy classmates told us that Harry Potter was based on a book and she even brought the book. From there and there, I grew fascinated with the franchise, knowing it was the 1st of seven. But in all honesty, I didn't really thought about reading the books (and at that time I was never really into reading any books, ever) as me and my friends thought that as long as they make movies about it, who needs to read right?

Eight films, always about Harry surviving in the end, it doesn't get any complicated than that.

It has become a yearly tradition for the Harry Potter movies to come out, and it has reached new heights. Harry Potter was becoming popular. Shows, TV skits, magazines, everyone was riding the Harry Potter train. It was a cash cow no doubt. And despite facing another book-based/fantasy film like the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in the box office for a few years, it stood its ground and was clearly the best fantasy movie there is. And being a gamer, Harry Potter video games was something I didn't pass on. I was hooked in every Harry Potter video games I can hold my hands with, whether it is on a Gameboy Color, Playstation or PC, if I get to throw of speels and ride broomsticks, I pop the game and I play it for hours and hours, especially in the Gameboy.

"Or you can just walk it off. You survived a death curse, what is just a mouse bite right?"

Despite being emphasized as a book franchise, reading it was way out of the question for me. For one, I only like reading comic books and I don't even get to barely read all my school books. And then all of a sudden, my uncle sent us a balik-bayan box filled with gifts for us. It was around 2004 and pretty much I was way not into toys anymore. So a gift from my Uncle that time was intriguing. Included on the box was the first four Harry Potter books, instructed to be placed in his room. And then, he had another set of the 1st four books, in which for each book, was assigned to one of us cousins. My eldest cousin got the Chamber of Secrets book, her brother got the Sorcerer's Stone book, my sister got the Prisoner of Azkaban book and out of all the books, I got the thickest, which was the Goblet of Fire. Don't get me wrong, the books are great, but book reading was not really something I want to do. I tried to read it, but just holding the 734 page book really killed any notion for me to read it. The fourth movie wasn't released yet at that time and so my curiosity really pushed me to just read the book. But I needed a way to give me the focus to read it. And for me to take on a book filled with 734 pages, I needed to warm-up by reading the first book.

And I read all of these because I don't want to read my school books.

The moment I read the first sentence of the first book, my mind was simply divulged into the world of Harry Potter. It was more clear, the book had more details and from there and out, I wanted to know the story by reading it word per word. As every chapter past, I didn't notice that I was done with the first book already. And then I started with the second and then on to the third. I've been reading for two weeks straight. And when it was finally the time to read the fourth book, I didn't hesitate to even bother take a break. Every after assignments, I would quickly go to my bed and read the book. After a week, it was finally done. I have accomplished to read the entire four books. It was an accomplishment I never thought I'd be able to accomplish, to have read those books, never thought I'd even have the guts to read one. The Harry Potter books were known to be challenging to read, but no matter, for a non-book lover, I was able to do it. And around that time, the fifth book was released, and not long after, I borrowed one in our library and my reading reached new highs as I was reading the book during breaks at school. Everyone who knew me would never ever expect that I read Harry Potter books.

No one also expected that I watch porn either back then, but hey hey!

After the fifth book, I became what you would call a "Harry Potter Geek" Everything there is to Harry Potter at that point, I knew and I knew by heart like it was on the back of my hand. I familiarize more the history of Hogwarts more than El Filibusterismo. Even the hardest Harry Potter Quizzes felt like adding one number to another. And even before or while watching the movies that came after the third, I would be able catch the flaws, the lapses and tell all the differences. I would show a frowning face whenever someone spit wrong facts and use the knowledge as pick-up lines to girls who ask something about Harry Potter. The Harry Potter Mythology was something I never felt I would be able to master. It was one of my repertoire and strengths and I felt invincible. But of course, college came and things became different. I got busy and I couldn't hold on to the great Potter knowledge that I have. I was still lucky enough to read Half-Blood Prince, but it was rushed, and from there, I was just looking forward to watch the movies. When the final book came out, I got to read it but I jumped in a couple of chapters and read the juice of the story in some other sites like Wikipedia. All in all, I felt like I have outgrown the series. I still love it, but I just wasn't into it that much. Note that I was still a kid when Harry Potter came, it was part of my childhood that I have outgrown since. I've kept my interest at the Harry Potter franchise, but I couldn't remember anymore who is who and who did what. Being a HP geek really didn't last long and I was just back to being a plain fanboy.

. . . . .

Watching the final movie, for me it didn't have that epic feel for a final film of a series but it was still a great finale overall for every Potter fan. I'm not really much that nostalgic, but I am still grateful for the wonderful years that the Harry Potter series has provided for me. Up to this day, the HP series is the only set of fictional books that I have read completely and most probably the only series I will ever read. It has captured my imagination greatly to the point that it encouraged me back then to make a story about Baltazar Crane, a Hogwarts student who is secretly defending Harry Potter from any harm and danger and also has his own adventures around Hogwarts. I also remembered back then when promised that after college, I would take a break for a month and just read all the books but I didn't knew back then what post-college life would be so it never really pushed through. I could tell more stories about my experience with the Potterverse, movie, books, or games, but all in all, it was a great ride. Good things must come to an end and I can't really think of the best words to explain how fun the Harry Potter series has been. One of these days, I might write more stuff about Harry Potter, but for now, I am here to celebrate the success of the franchise. I never really believed that Harry Potter was for nerdy geeks and girls. It didn't matter what age, sex, anyone can enjoy the magic of Harry Potter. I enjoyed it and I am not ashamed of it. Indeed it all ended, but the magic of Harry Potter will never disappear in the hearts of every muggle that has been touched by the awe-inspiring story and bare-witnessed the glory of the Boy-Who-Lived.

And they lived happily ever after. But of course, you can only imagine how they had to clean that up.

One year ago.....

July 16, 2010.

I thought it was the day.

Its been a year, and I could still remember it.

Fresh from my mind like it was just yesterday, fucked-up clustered in my deranged mind.

Never been the same since that day, everything just fucking changed.

For those of you who don't know, exactly one year ago I proposed to a girl to be my girlfriend. She was a classmate of mine back in 4th year college, not so long ago. If you read my posts here in my blog, there's a good chance you'll know who I'm talking about. It's not like I can't mention her name, but you know, do you research if the curiosity kills you. But if you are reading this right now, I guess I caught your attention and pretty much you want to know what I'm talking about. But before you proceed, you might want to read here first what I got to say when this thing was just fresh, get an idea on what happened on that day. I wrote about this a month after that single unfaithful day, exactly a month after, like in August.

Done reading it? Sure? Ohh, okay, then lets proceed.

To be quite honest, whenever I try to recall the events on that day, it doesn't sting that much as it used to. But, it can still make me skip a beat whenever I try to have some reminiscing or something. A lot of things happened since that day, but in everyday that passed, every week, every month, there was no single chance that I wasn't thinking about her. Whether it will be for an hour, minute or just a few seconds, no day has passed that I didn't think of her. You might think, "Dude, get over her". I am, definitely. But what makes here special was that she just wasn't an ordinary girl, she created that change in my life. And as much as I want to say I have gotten over her, the reason of your metamorphosis is something you can't easily forget. Sure, you forgive, but sometimes, you'll always remember that guy that gave you that scar or the bitch that made that rumor about you. All in all, some things can be accepted, forgiven, but can never be easily forgotten.

I guess it affected me greatly is because I bank on it too much. Sure, I've corrected some mistakes I have done in the past in regards in courting a girl, didn't give that much, but if you know me well, me not giving that much is still giving too much for some other guys. It was like the biggest gamble I had to make in my life. To get her would have been a jackpot, money in the bank. But to fail, I know it was worst than harakiri, less likely noble than kamikaze, but pretty much, I'll die if I failed. It was the type of risk in which I calculated greatly. Weighing the pros and cons, pretty much I thought I could get a clean shot. I wouldn't really take a shot if I knew I didn't have the chance, but that was the thing, I thought I had the chance. I thought she was the type of girl that might go out in a date with me, a dinner or two. But I just overlooked things, it was foul-proof back then, but now it seems clear that I was heading to a lonely sunset even the moment it started.

Truth is, no one really banked on me succeeding. Everyone has this notion that I go for girls that are just way "out of my league". Well, if you look at my past maybe it is partly true, but in honesty I went for those girls, especially her, because my heart told me to. She wasn't the sexiest girl, not the most beautiful, didn't had the best personality, she wasn't the best overall, but everything about her felt perfect for me. Everyone, in a way, still was rooting for me, for fun's sake I guess. Providing help, both good and bad, in the most unnecessary times. They knew it would be triumphant for me to succeed, but my failure was something they knew was foreseeable. We could debate on this, whether I should or should have not, but I just followed my heart, and damn straight for the good times, it was worth the try.

I don't really wanna dwell on how she is to me, how she is perfect in every aspect for me, but just to summarize everything, she was a girl you would go out and get hurt for you know. She is one in the entire population of this world. She is like no other, and she was something I imagine waking up with in the morning. Don't want to get cheezy because I might be tagged again as a "bitter guy", but it is what it is. She is a huge part on my life, because for every moment my heart cried and giggled with joy, she was the center of it, she was part of it. To be quite honest we haven't talked or text that much lately. Haven't even seen her for a while. But I've heard she already has a boyfriend, in which I am happy for her, I mean, she was single for quite some time so pretty much, I'm glad she has someone to drive her around [Insert Justin Bieber song here]. Joke!

All I know is, every since that day, I have become a stone-cold bastard who doesn't really give that much fuck. Acting all bad-ass, action star loner who rolls around this dog-eat dog world. Maybe because I'm just afraid to acknowledge that maybe, I was traumatized that day. Something inside me died big time. I seemed to have both suppressed and repressed "Love". Ever since that day I've crossed a lot of girls in my life, seemingly gaining the potential to be the next girl I'll write a poem to, but it just never pushed through. Maybe they were not good enough, maybe I just don't want to hurt them, maybe they already have a boyfriend, or maybe I just messed up. All I know is that I've never tried that much since then, and I have that odd feeling that I don't really plan too. Sometimes I think I should just practice single life. Oh, don't worry, I'll still find ways to get me some sugar and some pies but you know, just be single and worry about nothing. I don't know, I tend to be lost in love these days.

Pretty much, a lot of things have happened since that day. One year, wow. If it went the other way, today would have been our anniversary. Leaves me to wonder what we would have been doing right now. Out for a movie? Eating outside? Both at work. Both at home because we don't have money. At her house? At my house? In a bed, doing what? Haha! I don't know. To be honest, that day was so painful that I can't even bare to imagine life with her anymore. Never had the imagination to carry out a pleasant scene in my mind. Every month that passed since that day, I try to remember it, like it was suppose to be our anniversary of sorts. But I think after the 5th month prior that day, I stopped. There was no point of trying to think about it. It was what it was. It happened. My heart isn't shattered right now, it's completely gone and that's why maybe I'm back to my "No reaction" mode again. It doesn't matter what comes next in my life, pretty much I feel like I'm in to deep shit right now, still have to find the light of switch to turn things around, but for now, I'll go where the flow brings me, heaven or hell, whatever, live life as it is.

One thing I would just like to emphasize though, I am happy for her and by any chance I do not keep a grudge. Sure, here I am talking about what happened on that day, but its history for me. Part of something monumental in your life. Will I be ever okay again? I don't know. But the one things that matters is that somewhere out there, whether she is out on a date, with her friends or family, eating or watching TV, as long as she smiles, I smile. God, I love her. Note, not past tense, because I still do, as that special girl that made my heart skip a beat. She was special, and she might have not looked at me as a potential boyfriend or an ideal man, but we had our moments. Yeah, was not able to take her out on a date, but we have shared moments chasing nurses, chief nurses and clinical instructors to sign our exhibit forms. That counts I guess, right? Haha! I don't know if I'll ever see her again. I think I still will, but you know, for drama sakes, sometimes I wish I won't. Because I don't know what I'll do or say if I get to see her again. Maybe its better that way.

I'm a change man. And I'm over this. This has caused me great pain, but I took a chance because I believed in love. Say what you want to say, I did what my heart told me to do. Would I talk about this again? Maybe. But for now, I'm just reminiscing on that unfaithful day. That experience taught me a lot of important thinks in life. I just smile whenever I think about the time when we were already talking in the Roxas benches at our school. Still remember her words, "Basta 'wag lng lagi"(Just don't). She did what she need to do. Maybe I would have done the same. I wasn't good enough for her, simple as that, no need to complicate things. But for all it's worth, I will never ever forget that day. A day that in my life I will forever remember, July 16, 2010, the girl I have truly loved the most, rejected me, one year ago.....