Medicine State of Mind

Doctors.
Providing care with their wings and getting rich just like any venomous snake would do.

Being a doctor was something I never consider to have as a profession. When I was still young, being a pilot was something I wanted to be. I didn't really have a reason at first but since my father is assign at the airport, I get to go there a lot and I was always fascinated with the thought of driving a huge plane growing up. I guess every kid is fascinated with the sky and thinking that I can visit my father everyday at work made me considered being a pilot. It was a childish reason but nevertheless it was something I was sure at that time that I wanted to be. After hundreds of "pilot of the coconut" jokes, I wanted to be a computer engineer. Back in grade school, I was exposed to computer games a lot and quite frankly to a lot of electronics as well. I enjoyed the technology that the computer brought into my life, how it works, functionality, the formation, it just blew me away. Of course at that time, I didn't knew I was playing with a console that came out before I was born and getting excited of owning a Playstation when a Playstation 2 was already the cream of the crop. Throughout high school, I still wanted to be a computer engineer. I used the computer and internet so much that if I want to have something as a job, that would be dealing with computers.

Still don't have an idea what a computer engineer does. Cue Mr. Repair Man.

And as everyone knows, I turn out the be a nurse. After four years of being a bachelor of nursing with science and two board exams later, I am finally a professional nurse. Currently I am not practicing my profession. Got a lot of money problems in life and with the current scenario of nursing in the Philippines, the money is not in the bag if you are a nurse here. I still want to be a nurse, I just want to be loaded first before I become one. But while my road of being a nurse might take some time, there was a thought that I seem to have pounded over the past few weeks. I know that it might sound crazy and it might seem tad for my case, but deep inside, I have considered taking med school.

I don't even thing they are real doctors. But if you are one you can take any of them out anytime.

Throughout my high school and college life, I have kept that image of being a "smart guy". Truth be told, even during my grade school years, I was a smart guy. But from high school, it just went downhill from there. I was studying only when I needed the most or if I'm about to fail. I've always depended on my IQ in some ways but with my human shortcomings, I was more dumb rather than genius. Studying that much was just never my means of living a life to the fullest. I wanted to learn things by experience and not much with books or words. Thank God despite taking a bookish nursing course, I was able to pass it. It took a little bit of college ingenuity for me to make it but never have I relayed that much with books. But with med school, it is quite different. Being a doctor meant that you were naturally smart and knows how to drive oneself to study every night, eating books and chugging down coffee. For you to be a good doctor, you need to be a smart doctor. And on top of that, you need to have the funds to take on medicine or be that damn smart to take a scholarship. Being a doctor for some is a dream, but the road there is one topsy-turvy ride.

Checking the heartbeat of a picture of a heart for the sake of medicine.

But despite the trials of being a med student is well-documented, the end note is something that not everyone else can achieve. Simply put, being a professional doctor, a person with a PhD on the end of their name and a consultant is simply a great honor to be. It is about doing something special as a living, getting to cure sickness and save people's lives. Money will always be there, but the ability to create miracles in a daily basis is something you just can compare to any job. You can get the respect of everyone and just the fact alone that you become a doctor is already enough for people to tip their hats even if you haven't treated someone yet. I guess the credibility of being a doctor was something that captivated me. Despite earning a degree as a professional nurse, no one really gives a crap about the professionalism a nurse brings. Nurses don't get professional fees in the Philippines and with all the nurses out there, being a nurse is not much of an achievement, more of a typical stuff. You can say you're proud, I can say I'm proud, but at the end of the day, you or me is just a nurse meeting half-way the needs of life. We're living our calling but we don't have that much to be living. The complications of being a nurse is nothing new, but with medicine, no matter what, being a doctor makes you a somebody. No one will ever take you for granted.

"My stethoscope has more sponsors than you bitch!"

Everyone laughs, even my own mother, when I mention that I consider to be a doctor. My mother knows well that I am not the type of person to sit down and study for a day. And with our current financial situation, med school tuition is too much for my small middle-class family to bare, let alone the cost of books and other stuff, exams, etc. Things is, med school is quite expensive, obviously. Yeah sure being a doctor will help you live a wealthy life, but before that, your parents need to shed some money first before they can invest at you. I guess not everyone is meant to be a doctor. I guess I just look at myself lowly that I want to be somebody a decade from now. I know my friends in med school will be a bunch of rich somebodies 10 years from now, but I guess I'm just bothered with what I am going to be in the future. Reality wise, I guess I'll never be a doctor. But being a doctor just gives me that sense of purpose. I have the abilities to care for people as a doctor, I just don't know if I have the drive to be a doctor. To mold myself to be a doctor is a huge challenge and that it why I am always intimidated to all the doctors all over the world. The road, the path they took is unheard of, on for them to achieve it, I bow my head to them. It's too complicated for me and it will take some extra hard working to become one. Guess I just leave the med life to people who are smart and dedicated to cure people as their calling. I'm just fine with the serving the people and assisting the doctor job. But man, having to cure people, driving around with a neat car, going home in a nice house, getting calls from nurses and hospital directors, trips around the world, life of a doctor is a joy ride. It sure would be sweet, but at the end of the day, someone has got to be famous, which I am trying to be instead, haha!

I could still be a doctor of thugonomics. Word Life with a PhD bitches!!

The Comeback: Redemption, Triumph, and Victory on a 'Game 7' Nursing Board Exam

Before I start, let me just first say take you to a very interesting road of posts that I wrote here in my blog about my thoughts in my review for the NLE Board Exam and the Board Exam itself:

From trying to complete my cases...

My initial thoughts of taking my board exam...

My reaction to friends passing and gearing myself for my own moment...

And some complications during the review...

Although I never got to write about the time I took the board and never got to finish my post when I failed the December 2010 Board, it has been a long road and finally, I can finally write my "victory" post.

It was any ordinary saturday night. I decided to go to the gym and work out. Days before that, I already knew it was the night that the July 2011 results will come out. The day before that on a friday morning, I was already on the 9th day in my fourth straight St. Jude Novena. I had the feeling that God was telling me that the board exam results were coming out. I was prepared, but I was scared, something I wasn't during the first board. I was humbled after failing, and I guess that's what it took for me to seek God more. I almost lost God, but I cling on to that little faith I have. Over time it grew, an it deed. Came Saturday, and my faith was in all time high. I went to the gym to clear of my mind, but while I was lifting weights, I felt that angels were singing to me saying "I am a RN". In which I kept saying to myself, "I am a RN". It was a power of God that I just can't find the right words to explain. And after I was done, I checked my phone and I got six messages and three missed calls. On that moment, I knew it already. I made some calls, replied to some messages, God it was such a great feeling. I was the only one in the locker room, I was jumping wih joy and even my eyes were a little bit teary-eyed.

I came home and I received a hug from my mom. My dad was already drunk since he had a drink with his friends earlier afternoon and shook my hands and congratulated me. It was such an overwhelming feeling. I checked my Facebook and thank everyonethat greeted me. Didn't really got any congratulations to some people but whatever, I couldn't care at that time. A lot of of my already RN friends were spoiling the fun by saying that there is no job waiting, a lot of trainings and seminars to go through, but whatever, it was our moment, this was something they can't take from us. But seriously, I was also not into a frenzy compared to others, I was just happy, but at the same time content. Passing the board was a great achievement but not that impressive knowing there are thousands of RNs out there. I just knew that I was finally on the right track, I didn't have an idea what to do next, all I know is I wanted to get wasted and just celebrate.

Truth be told, I don't know what to say or what to write. Things have changed since then and to be honest, I'm not really in the mood to write but this was something I wanted to do, something I planned to do and I'm not going to miss this moment. Passing the board exam was something that I've always had in my mind since my first day at college of nursing. I know that graduating a BSN was just a preparation, passing the board is the first step to a life as a nurse. It was the validation that you are indeed a professional, a registered nurse. Failing the board taught me that being a registered nurse wasn't all that, I felt that I could succeed in life without having to achieve it. But deep inside, I wanted it, I craved for it. God knows I worked my ass off when I was still in school studying nursing. Sure, I didn't put that much effort to be the most intelligent student nurse at school or even at my class, but I can assure you that in duties, in the hospital, in the community, I worked my ass off. That's why I wanted to pass the board, to be professional, to validate my hard work in college and most of all, to serve God's people as a nurse.

Having to experience failure and passing it made me felt that I had it better than others. It gave me the perspective of having to know two sides of the story. It would have been nice if I pass the first time, but just that how things goes. God had a reason, as all of my friends said, and I guess He did have a reason. I guess that God wanted me to be stronger, to grasp life in a much better way. God wanted me to fall to know how much it takes to get back-up. It wasn't an easy path I tell you, but to finally get it, damn, it was a great feeling. Although with almost all my friends already registered nurses, it didn't had that much impact as I already knew what will transpire and some off them don't even have jobs yet, in truth no one really cared that much I passed. I made my family very happy but for the rest, they've been there and in regards to me passing, meh, it was just a different aura.

If I would have passed the first time, I would have written something special here. It would have been glorious, epic, outstanding. But now, its just feels bland. I'm just glad to know I passed, an anchor was lifted away, but I'm still working in a call center with no signs of leaving yet as I yet to earn and save money. Come to think of it, I want to celebrate with my friends but deep inside I feel like I don't need to celebrate. Life has exhausted me already that having a week off by doing nothing will be fine already for me. I still got a lot of shit to deal with but it damn sure feels like the biggest shit of them all has finally been flushed away.I'm just very thankful that God gave this to me. Now the only question remaining is where do I go from now? I have redeemed myself, I have triumphed over the adversity of becoming a professional nurse and I've gained victory in this "Game 7" Board Exam, what comes next. There are a lot of answers, scenarios, options I could choose but the current situation I have right now doesn't make them easy for me. I've got a lot on my plate right now I can't even write something glorious for me passing the board.

Nevertheless, I can finally say that my road to be a registered nurse is finally complete. Now all I need to focus now is to set a course to be a nurse. I don't know how much it takes, I don't know how it will go, but when I made that promise to God to serve his people as a nurse, even if not for a lifetime and just for a few years, I will find a way to achieve it. Being a nurse was something I wanted to do, but I know myself that I can do more than that. But this is my profession, this is what God wanted me to take. Live or let die, I will be a nurse no matter what. I have achieved first step, and I am on my way again for a road only God knows where it will take me. For my family and friends who have been there for me, thank you. To St. Jude be the glory. And especially to our Almighty God, thank you! Now I know how it feels like to comeback from losing the finals a year ago and winning it the next time. :D