The Recipe for Madness

Sanity is almost flushing out...

Everyday that I walk on this Earth, I go through a lot of emotions. There are days when I am happy and contented, most days I'm dark and gloomy and occasionally I'm crazy as I can be. There are a lot of certain factors that can affect me, it could be my family, friends, work, or life in general. But its given that you really have to face with different moods everyday, this what gives life to your...well, life. Every day is unique and special for you. But lately I have been going through something that I feel like I have never experienced before. It's like drinking a mixture of different alcohols, then you drink it you feel like you just drank a chemical of sorts and its giving you a funny feeling, but in a bad way. I've always been geared on solving my own problems and dilemmas in life, but right now I feel like I'm just a ticking time bomb ready to explode. An as much as I want to say that I'm okay, I can't really hide the fact that I'm not. I'm going through changes and it feels like I'm losing control of myself. It took me some time to realize that I guess, I'm just going through a mixture of bad luck all rolled up together. Taking a gut check, I feel like I'm going mad, mad I tell you. A break or a vacation won't even solve what I'm going through right now. I think death alone won't be the salvation of the madness I'm having right now. You may think I'm exaggerating things, and I think the same way too. I'm just acknowledging the facts that have been bothering me, and these are what I would say the recipe of my madness...

1.) Being burned-out in life

At least a match turns to dust when burned-out. I still need to keep on living.

I feel like a broken record sometimes when I say the reason why I feel like burned-out with life despite my young age (I always say I'm burned-out a lot). You see, after graduating in college on March 2010, I was able to get only a week of rest then after that I was back being busy in life again. Note that while others were going through vacation, I was going back to my school everyday trying to get schedules for hospital duty (I graduated as a nurse and needed cases as a Board Exam requirement). If you read my past blog post in 2010, you'll get to read one of my misadventures and you'll know that it can be frustrating, hell to be exact trying to get a completion. Anyways, I was able to complete my cases, but I had an upcoming review for the board exam. I completed my cases just a mere weekend before 1st day of review classes started, so apparently I was never able to get the rest I needed. The review was very long (and again, you can read my misadventures in my 2010 archives) and in ways it wasn't as stressful as I've expected it to be, but I still got a lot of those days where my brain just get chucked out. The span of my review was like a semester in college. Pretty much it was dragging. Took the board exam and then had to wait for the results. While everyone again was going through their vacation while waiting, I was out scheming on how to get job immediately and earn money. Got a job in a very stressful work place, been there for a year and pretty much you get the juice of the story. I NEVER GOT A FUCKING BREAK. I just went on and one with my life like a rapid train. I was on fire alright, being Mr. Look-at-me-I-am-earning-let-me-treat-you, the guy that keeps on buying expensive stuff and looked what happened, never took a break and I got burned-out.

2.) Setting-up a good career

This is me everyday in a call center. Tired and tired.

What more can I say. Working in a call center is not a walk in a park. Sure, you just sit in front of a computer, talk to someone over your headset and try to assist them whatever you're suppose to assist them with, but still, its not easy as it seems. You are awake at night, and pretty much your body still knows you sleep at night so its always a challenge to drag yourself at work despite doing it five times a week. You talk to irate members who feel like they are superior because they are the "customers". You have stats and bosses to deal with. This is a career I don't really plan to continue, but this is the career I started. I won't go into any details why I went to work in a call center but point is, as the first step of my career as a working adult, pretty much it has taken its toll on me. There are a lot of reason why I stayed, but mainly because despite the stressful working environment, I was having fun. I was meeting new people, making new friends, have a great time with my teammates, and I was earning great, so it felt like it was worth it to stay. But when you take those factors out, when you take the fun out, it just ends up as a job for you. Job are suppose to be fun, and when you're having fun, you stay. If its a job, then go find elsewhere to earn and have fun. Simple equation. I know that I'm a good agent, I can be great on this field, but I guess its just not my thing anymore. I've outgrown it, and the way our account is going, I don't really plan to keep on staying (We need to sell now). And for all those times I was up for promotion, fuck it, my talents were just wasted. I believe in paying dues, but come on, I was performing on a great level every single night at work. Thing is, I just want to get out, and as much as I'll be free, looking for the next job is a daunting task. You see why its complicated for me? I'm leaving a stressful, but an already good paying job for an unstable future. I'm stuck with a dilemma and I alone have to face it. In my age I'm still suppose to be at school, but I'm facing middle-age problems, go figure the math and I hope you get the outcome. Point is, I want to grow as a person, but I need to make sure the next job will be fulfilling, both personally and economically for me.

3.) Heartache

Wherever you are, you are slowly killing me...but I still love you.

Imagine falling in love with someone. Everything is going well. You're taking things slowly. Everything is going through its natural flow. And then all of a sudden that someone suddenly disappears. That someone needed the time to be alone. You get confused, you want to know why, want to know where you will position yourself, you don't get an answer, but you just try to understand. You miss that someone, you keep trying to be in touch, but you just get ignored. You get annoying, and in a way is pissing off that someone, but you apologize but still show affection. Months, weeks passed, that someone never tried to reach out with you anymore. You sit alone to wait, stuck, don't know what to do, singing "Should I give up of just keep on chasing pavements?" Pretty much that's what's going on with my love life right now. Don't get me wrong, having a heartache is not simply being heartbroken. Its something much larger than that. I just want to clarify things, I just want to break free to the chains that bind me to be emotionally free. I don't want to go into details, but this whole scenario has been eating me up inside. And probably the main factor of me turning mad. I just can't focus with my life that much because of this heartache. #1 and 2 reasons I can handle with great focus, but this one, I don't know. I used to have a lot of theories about love, create explanation on how to fix things, but this one got me all silenced up.

..........

With the power of God, I know I can overcome this madness I'm going through. I just need to take things in a step by step process. Take this one dilemma or problem at a time. But I have to acknowledge that I am going through changes, and in the future I know that there will be a point where I will get to drink a mixture of toxic again, maybe the same ingredients or probably new ones. I'm glad in a way that I am still able to keep my sanity through all of this. Everything is affected in my life, every aspect of it. I need to work on this. I've been through a lot of challenges in life, but I guess I'm up to something that whatever the tomorrow it may bring I cannot really foretell, and that is overcoming madness. I'm in a long haul. In a long stretch, I hope I can make it. I hope I can fix this. But trying to seems to be already turning me mad, mad, mad I tell you.

REBIRTH. 2012.

I guess its about time...

21 years. 21 years I've done nothing but be the best son, friend, classmate, employee, heck, a lover that I can be. And for those 21 years, while I got my props from time to time, still don't get the respect I deserve, still don't get the admiration I deserve, still don't get the appreciation that I deserve. And while I try not to be a very important person that much, I just want to be known for something, and that is being the best guy around. I've always made sure that I can be a guy you can count on, someone you would admire for his feats and efforts that I've done. But no. My life was never the sun over the rainbow sort to speak, it has always been a tough life for me. I still get to eat three times a day, get to sleep in a bed, have what you wold call a decent life, but for me, I've always had to go through a life taking shit after shit after shit all the time. I know I shouldn't be complaining, there are more people out there having a worst life than me, but this is my life, I'm selfish in nature, I think I have the worst life in the world.

But I know that I shouldn't be thinking this way. I know that I must do something about it. For the past months I've been thinking of changing my style. Changing the way I live my life. I want to do it in a dramatic manner. And with the new year looming, I thought of repackaging myself for the new year. I rebirth sort to speak. That's why I vowed that the time 2012 comes, there will be a rebirth. It's sort of a new year's resolution, but something I will have to live by for the rest of my life. I've always been that quiet, kind guy but in all honesty, guys like that don't get the respect they deserve. No one gives a crap about them. Come to think of it, people crap on them. Good guys get to be treated like crap, and that's what I'm trying to change. While I can't do that much for the people's perspective over good guys, I'm not going to let myself be treated like crap. It's time for me to face the light and be a better man.

So I vowed to myself, that I will be what I always wanted myself to be, someone who can adapt to any person, any place or ant situation. I want to be someone that people will just have no force but to admire. I want to be someone that keeps on doing good things in life. I want to be amazing. I want to be great. I want to be that damn good in anything I do and people will be left but to like it. I want to be that guy that is not shy and will interact with anybody, call someone as it fits and be the coolest guy around. I don't want to elaborate that much but simply put, I want to be a great person. This doesn't happen overnight, its something that I must work on. It's another year ahead of me. While 2011 was good at most, I went through a lot of shit and I want to make sure that 2012 will be worth it. I might still have to go through a lot of shit but I want to go through it like a boss. People can claim that 2012 is their year, but I guess no hurt can be done if I claim it to myself as well.

So for this 2012, I'm going to be different. I'm going to be the Noel Yulo that people have never known before. Sure, no one would care, but hey, this is my life, I'll do what I want to do. No one can dictate me. I want to be better, badder, stronger than ever. For 21 years, I was a good guy, but no one ever appreciated it. So know, now, I'll be the Noel Yulo that people might hate, but whatever, like I could give a fuck, I'll be what people didn't imagine I'll be. So 2012 marks the beginning, the rebirth of Noel Yulo. I could have been the best son, the best friend, the best classmate, the best employee, the best boyfriend that I could be, but no, I'll let them taste the best Noel Yulo that they'll ever set their eyes upon. I'm not going for the worst, but I'm surely going to be the best at what I do, and trust me, I'll blow heads off when I get the real shit out. REBIRTH. 2012. The new Noel Yulo is coming. And he's doing it, like a boss!