I thought it was the day.
Its been a year, and I could still remember it.
Fresh from my mind like it was just yesterday, fucked-up clustered in my deranged mind.
Never been the same since that day, everything just fucking changed.
For those of you who don't know, exactly one year ago I proposed to a girl to be my girlfriend. She was a classmate of mine back in 4th year college, not so long ago. If you read my posts here in my blog, there's a good chance you'll know who I'm talking about. It's not like I can't mention her name, but you know, do you research if the curiosity kills you. But if you are reading this right now, I guess I caught your attention and pretty much you want to know what I'm talking about. But before you proceed, you might want to read here first what I got to say when this thing was just fresh, get an idea on what happened on that day. I wrote about this a month after that single unfaithful day, exactly a month after, like in August.
Done reading it? Sure? Ohh, okay, then lets proceed.
To be quite honest, whenever I try to recall the events on that day, it doesn't sting that much as it used to. But, it can still make me skip a beat whenever I try to have some reminiscing or something. A lot of things happened since that day, but in everyday that passed, every week, every month, there was no single chance that I wasn't thinking about her. Whether it will be for an hour, minute or just a few seconds, no day has passed that I didn't think of her. You might think, "Dude, get over her". I am, definitely. But what makes here special was that she just wasn't an ordinary girl, she created that change in my life. And as much as I want to say I have gotten over her, the reason of your metamorphosis is something you can't easily forget. Sure, you forgive, but sometimes, you'll always remember that guy that gave you that scar or the bitch that made that rumor about you. All in all, some things can be accepted, forgiven, but can never be easily forgotten.
I guess it affected me greatly is because I bank on it too much. Sure, I've corrected some mistakes I have done in the past in regards in courting a girl, didn't give that much, but if you know me well, me not giving that much is still giving too much for some other guys. It was like the biggest gamble I had to make in my life. To get her would have been a jackpot, money in the bank. But to fail, I know it was worst than harakiri, less likely noble than kamikaze, but pretty much, I'll die if I failed. It was the type of risk in which I calculated greatly. Weighing the pros and cons, pretty much I thought I could get a clean shot. I wouldn't really take a shot if I knew I didn't have the chance, but that was the thing, I thought I had the chance. I thought she was the type of girl that might go out in a date with me, a dinner or two. But I just overlooked things, it was foul-proof back then, but now it seems clear that I was heading to a lonely sunset even the moment it started.
Truth is, no one really banked on me succeeding. Everyone has this notion that I go for girls that are just way "out of my league". Well, if you look at my past maybe it is partly true, but in honesty I went for those girls, especially her, because my heart told me to. She wasn't the sexiest girl, not the most beautiful, didn't had the best personality, she wasn't the best overall, but everything about her felt perfect for me. Everyone, in a way, still was rooting for me, for fun's sake I guess. Providing help, both good and bad, in the most unnecessary times. They knew it would be triumphant for me to succeed, but my failure was something they knew was foreseeable. We could debate on this, whether I should or should have not, but I just followed my heart, and damn straight for the good times, it was worth the try.
I don't really wanna dwell on how she is to me, how she is perfect in every aspect for me, but just to summarize everything, she was a girl you would go out and get hurt for you know. She is one in the entire population of this world. She is like no other, and she was something I imagine waking up with in the morning. Don't want to get cheezy because I might be tagged again as a "bitter guy", but it is what it is. She is a huge part on my life, because for every moment my heart cried and giggled with joy, she was the center of it, she was part of it. To be quite honest we haven't talked or text that much lately. Haven't even seen her for a while. But I've heard she already has a boyfriend, in which I am happy for her, I mean, she was single for quite some time so pretty much, I'm glad she has someone to drive her around [Insert Justin Bieber song here]. Joke!
All I know is, every since that day, I have become a stone-cold bastard who doesn't really give that much fuck. Acting all bad-ass, action star loner who rolls around this dog-eat dog world. Maybe because I'm just afraid to acknowledge that maybe, I was traumatized that day. Something inside me died big time. I seemed to have both suppressed and repressed "Love". Ever since that day I've crossed a lot of girls in my life, seemingly gaining the potential to be the next girl I'll write a poem to, but it just never pushed through. Maybe they were not good enough, maybe I just don't want to hurt them, maybe they already have a boyfriend, or maybe I just messed up. All I know is that I've never tried that much since then, and I have that odd feeling that I don't really plan too. Sometimes I think I should just practice single life. Oh, don't worry, I'll still find ways to get me some sugar and some pies but you know, just be single and worry about nothing. I don't know, I tend to be lost in love these days.
Pretty much, a lot of things have happened since that day. One year, wow. If it went the other way, today would have been our anniversary. Leaves me to wonder what we would have been doing right now. Out for a movie? Eating outside? Both at work. Both at home because we don't have money. At her house? At my house? In a bed, doing what? Haha! I don't know. To be honest, that day was so painful that I can't even bare to imagine life with her anymore. Never had the imagination to carry out a pleasant scene in my mind. Every month that passed since that day, I try to remember it, like it was suppose to be our anniversary of sorts. But I think after the 5th month prior that day, I stopped. There was no point of trying to think about it. It was what it was. It happened. My heart isn't shattered right now, it's completely gone and that's why maybe I'm back to my "No reaction" mode again. It doesn't matter what comes next in my life, pretty much I feel like I'm in to deep shit right now, still have to find the light of switch to turn things around, but for now, I'll go where the flow brings me, heaven or hell, whatever, live life as it is.
One thing I would just like to emphasize though, I am happy for her and by any chance I do not keep a grudge. Sure, here I am talking about what happened on that day, but its history for me. Part of something monumental in your life. Will I be ever okay again? I don't know. But the one things that matters is that somewhere out there, whether she is out on a date, with her friends or family, eating or watching TV, as long as she smiles, I smile. God, I love her. Note, not past tense, because I still do, as that special girl that made my heart skip a beat. She was special, and she might have not looked at me as a potential boyfriend or an ideal man, but we had our moments. Yeah, was not able to take her out on a date, but we have shared moments chasing nurses, chief nurses and clinical instructors to sign our exhibit forms. That counts I guess, right? Haha! I don't know if I'll ever see her again. I think I still will, but you know, for drama sakes, sometimes I wish I won't. Because I don't know what I'll do or say if I get to see her again. Maybe its better that way.
I'm a change man. And I'm over this. This has caused me great pain, but I took a chance because I believed in love. Say what you want to say, I did what my heart told me to do. Would I talk about this again? Maybe. But for now, I'm just reminiscing on that unfaithful day. That experience taught me a lot of important thinks in life. I just smile whenever I think about the time when we were already talking in the Roxas benches at our school. Still remember her words, "Basta 'wag lng lagi"(Just don't). She did what she need to do. Maybe I would have done the same. I wasn't good enough for her, simple as that, no need to complicate things. But for all it's worth, I will never ever forget that day. A day that in my life I will forever remember, July 16, 2010, the girl I have truly loved the most, rejected me, one year ago.....
Done reading it? Sure? Ohh, okay, then lets proceed.
To be quite honest, whenever I try to recall the events on that day, it doesn't sting that much as it used to. But, it can still make me skip a beat whenever I try to have some reminiscing or something. A lot of things happened since that day, but in everyday that passed, every week, every month, there was no single chance that I wasn't thinking about her. Whether it will be for an hour, minute or just a few seconds, no day has passed that I didn't think of her. You might think, "Dude, get over her". I am, definitely. But what makes here special was that she just wasn't an ordinary girl, she created that change in my life. And as much as I want to say I have gotten over her, the reason of your metamorphosis is something you can't easily forget. Sure, you forgive, but sometimes, you'll always remember that guy that gave you that scar or the bitch that made that rumor about you. All in all, some things can be accepted, forgiven, but can never be easily forgotten.
I guess it affected me greatly is because I bank on it too much. Sure, I've corrected some mistakes I have done in the past in regards in courting a girl, didn't give that much, but if you know me well, me not giving that much is still giving too much for some other guys. It was like the biggest gamble I had to make in my life. To get her would have been a jackpot, money in the bank. But to fail, I know it was worst than harakiri, less likely noble than kamikaze, but pretty much, I'll die if I failed. It was the type of risk in which I calculated greatly. Weighing the pros and cons, pretty much I thought I could get a clean shot. I wouldn't really take a shot if I knew I didn't have the chance, but that was the thing, I thought I had the chance. I thought she was the type of girl that might go out in a date with me, a dinner or two. But I just overlooked things, it was foul-proof back then, but now it seems clear that I was heading to a lonely sunset even the moment it started.
Truth is, no one really banked on me succeeding. Everyone has this notion that I go for girls that are just way "out of my league". Well, if you look at my past maybe it is partly true, but in honesty I went for those girls, especially her, because my heart told me to. She wasn't the sexiest girl, not the most beautiful, didn't had the best personality, she wasn't the best overall, but everything about her felt perfect for me. Everyone, in a way, still was rooting for me, for fun's sake I guess. Providing help, both good and bad, in the most unnecessary times. They knew it would be triumphant for me to succeed, but my failure was something they knew was foreseeable. We could debate on this, whether I should or should have not, but I just followed my heart, and damn straight for the good times, it was worth the try.
I don't really wanna dwell on how she is to me, how she is perfect in every aspect for me, but just to summarize everything, she was a girl you would go out and get hurt for you know. She is one in the entire population of this world. She is like no other, and she was something I imagine waking up with in the morning. Don't want to get cheezy because I might be tagged again as a "bitter guy", but it is what it is. She is a huge part on my life, because for every moment my heart cried and giggled with joy, she was the center of it, she was part of it. To be quite honest we haven't talked or text that much lately. Haven't even seen her for a while. But I've heard she already has a boyfriend, in which I am happy for her, I mean, she was single for quite some time so pretty much, I'm glad she has someone to drive her around [Insert Justin Bieber song here]. Joke!
All I know is, every since that day, I have become a stone-cold bastard who doesn't really give that much fuck. Acting all bad-ass, action star loner who rolls around this dog-eat dog world. Maybe because I'm just afraid to acknowledge that maybe, I was traumatized that day. Something inside me died big time. I seemed to have both suppressed and repressed "Love". Ever since that day I've crossed a lot of girls in my life, seemingly gaining the potential to be the next girl I'll write a poem to, but it just never pushed through. Maybe they were not good enough, maybe I just don't want to hurt them, maybe they already have a boyfriend, or maybe I just messed up. All I know is that I've never tried that much since then, and I have that odd feeling that I don't really plan too. Sometimes I think I should just practice single life. Oh, don't worry, I'll still find ways to get me some sugar and some pies but you know, just be single and worry about nothing. I don't know, I tend to be lost in love these days.
Pretty much, a lot of things have happened since that day. One year, wow. If it went the other way, today would have been our anniversary. Leaves me to wonder what we would have been doing right now. Out for a movie? Eating outside? Both at work. Both at home because we don't have money. At her house? At my house? In a bed, doing what? Haha! I don't know. To be honest, that day was so painful that I can't even bare to imagine life with her anymore. Never had the imagination to carry out a pleasant scene in my mind. Every month that passed since that day, I try to remember it, like it was suppose to be our anniversary of sorts. But I think after the 5th month prior that day, I stopped. There was no point of trying to think about it. It was what it was. It happened. My heart isn't shattered right now, it's completely gone and that's why maybe I'm back to my "No reaction" mode again. It doesn't matter what comes next in my life, pretty much I feel like I'm in to deep shit right now, still have to find the light of switch to turn things around, but for now, I'll go where the flow brings me, heaven or hell, whatever, live life as it is.
One thing I would just like to emphasize though, I am happy for her and by any chance I do not keep a grudge. Sure, here I am talking about what happened on that day, but its history for me. Part of something monumental in your life. Will I be ever okay again? I don't know. But the one things that matters is that somewhere out there, whether she is out on a date, with her friends or family, eating or watching TV, as long as she smiles, I smile. God, I love her. Note, not past tense, because I still do, as that special girl that made my heart skip a beat. She was special, and she might have not looked at me as a potential boyfriend or an ideal man, but we had our moments. Yeah, was not able to take her out on a date, but we have shared moments chasing nurses, chief nurses and clinical instructors to sign our exhibit forms. That counts I guess, right? Haha! I don't know if I'll ever see her again. I think I still will, but you know, for drama sakes, sometimes I wish I won't. Because I don't know what I'll do or say if I get to see her again. Maybe its better that way.
I'm a change man. And I'm over this. This has caused me great pain, but I took a chance because I believed in love. Say what you want to say, I did what my heart told me to do. Would I talk about this again? Maybe. But for now, I'm just reminiscing on that unfaithful day. That experience taught me a lot of important thinks in life. I just smile whenever I think about the time when we were already talking in the Roxas benches at our school. Still remember her words, "Basta 'wag lng lagi"(Just don't). She did what she need to do. Maybe I would have done the same. I wasn't good enough for her, simple as that, no need to complicate things. But for all it's worth, I will never ever forget that day. A day that in my life I will forever remember, July 16, 2010, the girl I have truly loved the most, rejected me, one year ago.....
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